Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

I couldn’t be more excited to share an article with you written for Esquire magazine comparing Barack Obama’s leadership style to Positive Discipline.  Here’s the link:  http://www.esquire.com/features/people-who-matter-2010/barack-obama-father-0210.  The author’s name is Tom Junod, and oh, to have his gifts as a writer.  I love when someone else says what I think better than I could.  I’ve been studying, teaching, writing about, lecturing, and living Positive Discipline for 40 years.  I’m happy to see it get this kind of press.  Regardless of your political leanings, I hope you can share my joy at having someone toot our horn!

It’s a hot topic, right?  Don’t get stressed.  Are you stressed?  How do you feel less stress?  Reduce stress!  Live stress-free, and on and on and on.  Here’s a simple explanation of stress.  Think about it.  If you think life should be one way and it is another way, the space in between those two thoughts is called stress.  Different things stress different people and people handle stress in many different ways.  The trick to reducing stress is to narrow the space between the two lines (see video below).  That involves either changing your expectations or changing your life.  Easier said than done, but possible, and it doesn’t take a pill to do it.  What’s wrong with a pill, you ask?  Maybe nothing, but for many of us, we’d prefer to work on the deeper issues rather than medicate ourselves.  We like to know there are choices, which there are!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KA2Cfee_JPA&feature=youtube_gdata

 A client came to see me because he was experiencing what he called “a nervous breakdown.”  We talked about what had triggered his panicked feelings and about his unmet expectations of himself and others and how the difference between his beliefs about how life should be and how life was were tearing him apart.  He has always looked at depression as a biological event, but after our work together and his processing it, he’s came to find the power of his internal belief system and noticed the problems his old thinking caused. 

 I asked if I could publish his conclusions in my blog as I think what he came to could help others.  He agreed saying, “You may definitely use it if you think it will be helpful; after all, it’s just a reflection of your great work.”  What a charmer!

 These days it’s too easy to look at problems in life as an illness with a corresponding pill to correct things.  But the insight work this client did with his list of suggestions to himself will serve him well and get his life back.  He’s gone the anti-depressant route for years without ever working on his deeper issues, so nothing really changed.  If he reminds himself of his 4 conclusions and practices them, I expect that he’ll experience lasting change and a richer life.  I hope blog readers can benefit from his work, too.

 “Thanks Lynn.  As you might expect, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and what I’ve been going through and trying to make sense of it.  I wanted to share my thinking with you to see if you think I’m on the right track.  I’m a bit desperate to make conclusions/meanings, but don’t want to replace old bad conceptions with new bad ones.  Here’s my current thinking:

 1.  Accept myself for who I am.  I have been feeling like I can’t be successful while still being me, because I am not good enough.  This has led me to push myself beyond my limits to be something I am not and has totally stressed me out.  If I can be aware of this underlying insecurity and calm my inner critic, I think that might be a good direction to start with.

 2.  Establish healthy boundaries.  This seems like the practical implementation of accepting myself, i.e. by asking for what I want/need and saying no to what I am not comfortable with, I can protect myself from unduly stressful situations.  I really see now how I routinely give up my boundaries because I want so badly to be accepted.

 3.  Resist obsessive thinking.  I never really realized it before, but if I look back on my life, I have always obsessed on some external desire as the basis of my happiness: success in sports, drugs, girlfriends, school, nature, and now work.  Just living in the moment and putting one foot in front of the other is really hard for me, but the obsessing has always deprived me of the real joys in life: family, friendships, and simple appreciations.”

 4.  Resist grandiose and catastrophic thinking.  I honestly have felt it is my duty to save the world from itself, and that I could be some kind of pivotal hero (like John Muir or Aldo Leopold).  When reality hits me, I fall flat on my face and feel like a worthless piece of shit.  And, as you noted, make great big meanings out of isolated events (e.g. I failed a test, therefore I will never amount to anything).  I think this more than anything is what I am going through when I feel “depressed”.  Monitoring my thought processes, and stopping myself was a good suggestion.”

If you’d like to know whether you are an eagle, a lion, a chameleon, or a turtle and what difference that makes, go to www.lynnlott.com and click on “Try This.”  You’ll find out all sorts of things about your personality and why you do what you do, want what you want, think what you think, and feel what you feel.  You can also click on the following link where I explain more about this personality profile game on YouTube:  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USq0wIr6NeY&feature=channel

Once you embrace the idea about personality differences or what we call top card you can stop looking at yourself and others as having disabilities, disorders, or diseases and realize that we all have differences and they make life most interesting.

I love this quote and it reminds me of an attitude that I wish parents could adopt when raising teens.  “Biology gives you a brain.  Life turns it into a mind.” (p. 479, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, Picador, 2002.) 

It’s hard to trust that teens will learn and grow from their experiences.  What teens do is often frightening to parents and adults, and they probably only know about a quarter of what is really going on.  I remember doing a workshop for a large group of parents of teens and asked them what they did when they were teens that they hid from their parents.  Many of them climbed out windows in the middle of the night to meet friends, “borrow” the family car, or simply roam around the town.  There was a lot of cow tipping and other acts of mischief, and certainly a fair amount of drug and alcohol abuse and sexual experimentation.  

Often my work with adult clients takes us back to their teen years where I hear stories that would have made my hair curl had I been their parent.  Recently, I asked one such client what he would say to a teen if he had one now, and the following is what he told me.  I thought it was wise and kind and respectful and helpful, yet most of the parents of teens I work with would never consider saying such a thing.  They would prefer to believe that they can micro-manage and control their teens and maintain an illusion of control that they rarely have.

 To my teen, if I had one:  “I will always be your parent but that does not mean I have control over your decisions. In fact I know that I have no control over your decisions and that you are going to do whatever you chose to do despite what I tell you, good or bad. I will always try to be there to offer support, to help guide you through your decisions and to give you my own personal perspective on what is right and wrong but ultimately it is your life to live, not mine. You have the power to make your own decisions and so will YOU have the responsibility of living with the consequences of those decisions, good and bad, not me. Very soon you will be an adult and the weight of that responsibility will be all your own, not mine. I will go on making my own choices for my own life and I will not be defined or dictated by the choices you will make in yours. In the end, I will one day be gone, and when you look back on your life you will either have the pleasure of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices or the anguish of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices.”

 Kyle also sent this with permission for me to publish it on my blog with his name attached. 

 A Walk On the Side of My Youth  by Kyle Gentry Kushner

I can smell the innocence in the air…

Before a face worn

I walked the streets of my youth

We drew a line where the sidewalks would end

We drew a line where youth would begin

In the twinkling night we’d see stars fall

and the lights from the cars trail by

Through the alleys we’d roam enhancing our minds

Free, under a twilight sky
Now night falls

As I still walk

Listening to the voices of my past

The friends I once knew

and these sidewalks that grew

Would take our innocence too fast

There are two parts to this recording as we got cut off part way through.  rec_dylanparta_20_Jul_2009_13_01_19

rec_dylanpartb_20_Jul_2009_13_11_25 

In part a Dylan talks about a pending felony charge against him and how this incident is helping him step up his game and do some things to improve his life and look better for the court.  We also talked about how angry he is and I attempted helping him identify what he’s angry about by doing an activity called the 10 Fingers of Anger.  Dylan is able to talk about some things that he’s angry about and what he does when he gets angry.  Given how much he represses his feelings or acts them out inappropriately, this was a good start.

 In part b, we continued talking about anger and reviewed information that can help Dylan understand more about his personality (and his Mom’s) and how he deals with anger.  Dylan talked about piercing himself when he’s angry, and I wish I had pursued this more given what happened after our session.  We made a date for another session, but this ended up being our last session, even though Dylan said that the sessions are helpful. 

When I called Dylan for our next appointment on the 29^th as we had agreed, he didn’t answer the phone.  I left a message and later that night, I got an email from his mom saying that the week had been very tough, Dylan had done a lot of drinking, and that he had been cutting himself, something I had not heard before, though Dylan did speak of putting a safety pin through his nose when he was angry.  Sounds like a real nightmare fueled with alcohol and perhaps other drugs.  Dylan’s drinking is clearly out of control and his behavior when he is under the influence is far different from the laughing, cynical but sweet boy on our recordings.  His mom was beside herself with worry and upset.

The next day Dylan’s mom wrote again saying Dylan was home safe and sober and feeling good.   I asked Mom to give Dylan my number so that he could call me if he wanted to do some more work.  A couple weeks later Mom wrote that she hadn’t given Dylan my number yet and that she was “taking her house back” and working on getting Dylan registered at the junior college and dealing with the assault charges.  The court appointed lawyer was working on getting the charges dropped as all evidence showed no willful or malicious conduct on Dylan’s part.  Mom said she’d be in touch when the court problem was over.

Once again, if you prefer listening to the session, follow the link:  mod_rec_dylan_29_Jun_2009_14_03_23

If you prefer a bit of introduction first, read on.  I received an email from Dylan’s mom telling me that one of his friends had died from an overdose.  She thought Dylan might want to talk about it and wanted to alert me.  She must experience the Dylan who, when asked what he’d like to talk about says, “Nothing,” and when asked how he feels, says, “Fine.”  

Since Dylan had given his permission, I also had his mom’s list of other topics she wanted Dylan to explore.  The list included the following:  Dylan said he’s paranoid all the time and guilty about living while others are dying; dealing with his 23 year old cousin; and getting weird thoughts. 

You’ll notice that we jump from topic to topic.  Dylan may think this is his ADHD, but I’d venture a guess that for whatever reason, he’s not that into our session today.  I work at getting Dylan to share his feelings and finally decide that perhaps he’d like to learn something rather than continue this parry back and forth. 

I introduce Dylan to my definition of stress and what it’s like to fall into the land of discouragement where people struggle with issues of identity, power, justice, and skills.  (I’m not sure if any of this is helpful, but later I hear from his Mom that Dylan was trying to teach her what he learned to help her with her stress.) 

Notice that Dylan says he sets the bar low for himself so he doesn’t feel bad about himself.  Not a great solution, really.  He also believes he has power over himself regarding his drinking, but this is an illusion.  (His mother reported a terrifying event on 7/29 where Dylan was so drunk he was threatening his parents and then ripped off his shirt and showed his mom that he had carved “Fuck you’ on his chest.  He’s also been cutting himself and not sleeping much.  I realize that some people think people suffer from other mental illnesses and drink to calm things down, but in my experience, all that Dylan’s mom is reporting goes away when someone stops drinking abusively.)  (more…)

You may simply want to listen to this session and come to your own conclusions.  If so, click on the link and read no farther.  rec_dylan_25_Jun_2009_15_35_23

This was a very tough session. On the one hand, Dylan says he wants to be in therapy, but his actions are those of constant resistance.  I asked Dylan why he would want to talk with me since he loves his life so much.  He reminds me that he’s doing this to help me, which I appreciate, but I suggest that we both want to get something out of this so it’s not one-sided.  (We’re interrupted by the news that Michael Jackson died, which means that Dylan is probably watching TV while we talk.)

When asked what he’d like to talk about, Dylan said that he didn’t have a clue, so I gave a lot of choices and Dylan told me to pick one and surprise him.  I asked, “How will your life be at 22,” to which he replied that he can’t think 5 minutes ahead.  I pushed and asked, “Where do you see yourself living at 22?  Is your current lifestyle what you aspire to?”  Dylan tells me he’d like to learn to live without money and be a vagabond.  I’m not sure if this is the magical thinking of a teen’s rebellion against adult or societal values, or if he’s pulling my leg.

 The conversation about money leads to how much the times were better when Dylan and his family lived with Grandma which began when he was 9.  When she died they were homeless.  Before that, Dylan spent time skate boarding, riding bikes, hanging out, and building a tree house with his dad. (more…)

Best laid plans and all that…this session didn’t get taped.  I got stuck trying to figure out the internal microphone and hadn’t bought a headset yet.  Dylan was unruffled which helped.  In fact Dylan is a live and let live guy most of the time, but when he’s not, well, you’ll see.  But since this was my first session with Dylan, I’ll highlight what we talked about during our hour. 

Dylan told me about his recent hospitalization from April 10 to May 30.  He had a bacterial infection that shut down all of his systems.  He lost all muscle memory and had to relearn to talk, walk, eat, and more.  He faced his own immortality which according to him has made him into a hypochondriac now.  Even a little sore throat freaks him out, which is only natural.  Most people would find a trauma like this to be life-altering.  For Dylan, it didn’t seem to interrupt his path of defiance, anger, and teenage acting out.  (more…)

On 6/4/09 seventeen year old Dylan and I began an experiment.  I had an idea that some of my clients might be willing to give permission for others to listen in on our sessions.  My thinking was that since so many things that happen in a session are issues lots of people have, sharing the sessions might be a way of helping others who weren’t in therapy. 

After speaking with Dylan’s mom about this project, she suggested I ask Dylan if he would be willing to help me as I learned how to record sessions and upload them to my blog.  Dylan said he would like to do that and was fully aware that the sessions we did together would be made public.  He was comfortable with that and gave his full permission (as did his mom).  Dylan’s willingness to help outshone my ability to accomplish the technical part of this transaction.  It’s now November and I’m finally ready to post our sessions to my blog.  What we’re ending up with are 4 sessions, one of which I summarize because it didn’t get recorded due to my technological inexperience.

 Both the sessions and the technical parts have been a big challenge for me.  There are clients with whom I work fluidly and success starts right in the first few interactions I have with them.  There are other clients who, for any variety of reasons, are a tougher sell.  Dylan fell into that category, so the progress was so tiny that there were times it was barely observable.  Sometimes it seemed that Dylan was as resistant to therapy as I was to learning the technical aspects of the project.    

 Even though the sessions don’t represent a typical experience in therapy, over the years I’ve come to trust the process of therapy, knowing that people do get something from the experience that is positive and life changing for them, even if it’s not always exactly what I had in mind.  My hope is that Dylan will experience the positives and that you as a listener will learn something helpful, too.