Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

Years ago someone asked me, “If your partner never changed from how he is today, would you want to spend the rest of your life with him?”  At the time I heard this question, I protested about the question rather than answering it.  I justified the answer and the question, just as I did my relationship. 

After spending 22 years in a second marriage, if you asked me that question today, I wouldn’t hesitate answering it.  Of course I would want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, and if there is such a thing as future lives, I’d be just fine spending those with him, too.

Hardly a day goes by that someone doesn’t ask me the question, “How do I know if it’s time to leave my relationship?”  It’s as difficult a decision for them as it was for me.  I’d say that the struggle is necessary to learn about yourself and what it means to you to feel and show love.  There are no easy answers.

This helped me.  If 75% of your time is awful and 25% is good, that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship.  If you can flip that around and notice that 75% of your time together is great and that there are struggles 25% of the time, you have a better chance of being in the right relationship.  It also helped me to listen to my feelings instead of my head.  My head was filled with logic about why it was the good and right thing to do to stay.  My heart and my gut and other ideas.  When I started listening to them, the information I got was important, yet scary.

It takes courage to be a human being, and it took courage and a leap of faith for me to make the decision to stay or to leave.  If you are in this struggle, listen to your feelings and trust that there is life after divorce.

living the dream in your fast food nation
giving your hard earned cash to the major corperations               
you work nine to five, just to stay alive
your life takes a dive, as the rich folks thrive
 
it’s like a giant game of monopoly
‘cept you go to jail longer and the parkings not free
rights are just privleges if they can be taken away
“freedom” doesn’t exist in the US of A
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
 
healthcare and hospitals turning people away
all because of of their inability to pay
they’ll leave you there to suffer and die
as the CEO’s joke and all the families cry
 
they kill innocent people in other countries/ overseas
to pay off and kiss ass to oil companies
for coperate funding and endorsement in the next election
man, money gives some mother fuckers a serious erection
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
  
Yes, teens are rebellious.  Yes, teens see the world in black and white.  And yes, teens can be extremely critical of their “elders.”  But this poem touched my heart and made me wonder how many teens feel so let down and disillusioned by the world they live in.  It made me want to know what teens who are this upset and discouraged might be deciding to do about this “messed up” world they live in.  Will they give up in despair, figuring it’s all too hopeless and impossible to change?  Will they strike back, causing chaos and revenge, striking out at others who they will “blame” for this state of affairs?  Will they punish themselves with drugs and alcohol, figuring the whole thing is meaningless, so why even bother?  Will they write amazing poetry and songs to alert their peers and the rest of us to this dismal view of our world, hoping to get our attention so we can do something to make things better?  What kind of encouragement do they need?

Sure, I know some of you are thinking, ”We walked to school barefoot through the snow to get to school and worked meaingless jobs for 5 cents an hour to have spending money when we were kids.  We never sassed the adults or questioned their veracity.  So why don’t these kids appreciate all they have and stop blaming and casting stones?” Personally, I think we need to listen and find ways to let them know we hear them and with their help, find ways to bridge the gap.  My hope is that they won’t give up on us or themselves, and that they’ll find ways to make positive contributions that will help our world small step by small step.

In the weeks to come, I’m going to be having conversations with the author of this poem.  If I can figure out the logistics, I’ll tape and then upload our conversations so you can listen to them if you like.  I have his permission, so all I’m missing is confidence in my own technical expertise.  Cross your fingers for me!

A group of teachers spent a day in a Positive Discipline in the Classroom  workshop.  One of the activities they did was on top card, which was an opportunity to learn more about their personality style.  (You can learn more about Top Card by reviewing previous posts or visiting www.lynnlott.com and click on Try This.)  The idea was to look at the assets of their top card in the classroom as well as their top card liabilities as teachers.  After they brainstormed these two lists, they asked people who look at the world through different filters to give them feedback about what they could work on in the classroom.  Three of the four top cards were represented in the workshop:  Control, Pleasing, and Superiority.  Here are their lists:

Control Assets:  Take charge by establishing routines and being organized; multi-taks with the ability to accomplish a lot and work with individual groups; crisis manager who can maintain order, safety and first aid; the ability to wing-it and think fast on their feet and make things up as they go; accountability; trustworthy; patient with others; able to take time for self.  Their bumper sticker might say:  But enough about me; what do you think about me?

Control Liabilities:  Invite power struggles, procrastinate by putting off correcting homework or planning; make mountains out of mole hills; get overwhelmed; judgmental and critical; not patient with selves; expect too much of selves; withdraw; catastrophize; deal with other people’s issues instead of their own; bossy; flustered when kids are off task or loud.

Suggestions from other top card personalities:  Just tell us what you want so we can figure out how to deal with you and solve the problem.   Tell us when you’re getting overwhelmed instead of acting it out.  The response was:  If only we could.

Pleasing Assets:  We make things fun and create ways for people to be involved while making learning painless; empathetic by taking time to listen and understand others’ needs and give them what they need; positivity with lots of encouragement, give hope, don’t hold grudges, and stress that everyday is a fresh start; good listeners and open minded by respecting and eliciting others’ opinions and drawing them out as well as being willing to be wrong and apologize.

Pleasing Liabilities in the classroom:  not being open and honest; holding back opinions or ideas because we want to be liked; retreating from conflict and pretending everything is fine when it’s not; focusing on pleasing the most negative person which results in taking away time and energy from well behaving students.

Suggestions from other top card personalities:  Say what’s on your mind and remember that others like you regardless of your opinions.  Be brave, take a deep breath, and say “NO.”

Superiority Assets:  We know everything; we have clear boundaries; we get everything done; we’re always revising to make things better; we’re reflective; tolerant; creative; humorous; we have high standards.

Superiority Liabilities:  sometimes we don’t hear/acknowledge others expertise; perfection; expect too much; don’t ask for help; insulting/rude; crash because we don’t take care of what we should; avoidance of uncomfortable tasks; overachieve; too much pressure on ourselves/students; intolerant of people/students who don’t push themselves or whom we perceive as “ignorant” or lazy.

Suggestions from other top cards:  Have an agreement that others can tell you when you’re playing your top card to help you be aware; use the expression, “I notice” instead of being critical or judgmental.  Make it safe for the kids to make mistakes and try again.

In this day of diagnoses, I guess I’d rate at the very least opositional defiant.  I prefer to think of myself as someone who marches to my own drummer and will only follow rules that make sense to me.  I was born upside down and backwards, and have been spending a lifetime trying to get folks to see the world from my point of view.  When I’m successful, I’m not oppositional at all. 

Many years ago our office of therapists decided to do a “ropes” course together, sometimes known as an adventure challenge course.  I couldn’t have been more excited and wanted to try everything out.  There was an activity with some sort of mesh type trampoline.  The instructions were given for all of us to line up on the side of the trampoline.  I rushed to the side as instructed, waiting for everyone else to join me, and couldn’t understand why the rest of our group (around 10 people) were all standing on the other side.   It never occured to me that I was the one who mis-heard the directions and not them.  I wasn’t trying to be opositional and actually thought I was doing as instructed, but the group was so used to me having a different point of view that, to this day, I think they still believed I was goofing off and trying to be difficult.

When I met my husband Hal, I told him that I was like a wild horse.  If someone tried to fence me in, I’d jump the fence to escape.  If they left me to my own devices, I’d be joining everyone else most of the time because it’s what I prefer.  Hal has been the best at never fencing me in.  Ahhh, how I wish I were as good at extending the kindness back to him, but alas, he’s much nicer than I am.

You may be wondering why I’m writing this and what’s my point.  Well, obviously, I may be breaking a few rules that don’t make sense to me.  The rules make so little sense, I’m not even sure what they are, but I’m intent on being my own person and doing what in my mind is the right thing.  It’s taken a lot of years, but I accept who I am and hope that my differences have added more to the world than they’ve taken away.  Or at least I’d like to think so!  And I wish for all those kids who march to their own drummer that folks stop building “fences” to hold them back and have some faith that they want to belong and contribute in spite of their difference.

I think I’m clear, but obviously, I’m not as clear as I think I am.  I’ve been making some assumptions.  When I say “parent” or “teacher”, I am sure the listener knows I’m talking about leadership, though I may not use that word.  When I talk about parenting styles or classroom management, I’m sure the listener knows that I’m talking about the leader in the family or the classroom.  You can imagine my surprise when I heard from two parents who have been working diligently with me to implement Positive Discipline, that they had no idea I was referring to leadership.  So let me make it perfectly clear as to what I think:  if you are the teacher, you are the leader in your classroom.  If you are a parent, you are the leader in your family. 

As a leader, I encourage you to be both kind and firm rather than a dictator or a pushover.  I hope that you have more maturity than your kids and aren’t afraid to set the parameters in the family while leaving room for flexibility and learning from your kids.  I expect you to think long and hard about your goals as a classroom leader and/or family leader and constantly question whether your methods are moving things in the direction you want.  My wish is that you will never use punishment or criticism or shaming or blaming to help young people grow into empowered, encouraged, capable, resilient, responsible, loving beings.  Naturally, I encourage you to read any and all of the Positive Discipline books to accomplish this if you need some help.

A kind and firm leader knows how to listen for feelings, offer choices, use family and class meetings to involve kids in decision making.  A kind and firm leader isn’t afraid to say, “No,” or “I understand how you feel, but it’s time for…”  The suggestions are too many for this blog, but if you are curious, go to my website, www.lynnlott.com and check out the list of books available.  I have excerpts from all of them to give you a taste of what you might learn by reading them.

I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, as you read my books, you’ll actually find the word “leader” somewhere within.  If you don’t, throw another egg on my face!

If you start at the end of this conversation instead of the beginning, you’ll get to hear Katie sing one of her songs.  It’s as interesting and compelling as Katie who openly shares about her switch to Electronic High School and how it came about.  For any of you who have kids struggling with school, you might want to check out this conversation.  Katie is also curious about the meaning of her childhood memories.  We explore one of them and get an excellent picture of Katie’s private logic, or operating system, or set of rules that she uses to figure out her life.  Katie’s joy and curiosity about learning about herself are contageous.  As you listen, perhaps you will want to learn more about yourself using your childhood memories as the path to awareness.

I’m looking for a clever, witty answer to that question while I wonder why two complete strangers have asked it of me recently.  When I look in the mirror, I do see an older version of the person who lives inside my head…but not that old!  I must look like I’m about 90 and just don’t realize.  Otherwise, why would someone ask such a strange question of a complete stranger?  I could respond with, “Why do you ask?” or “Do I look old to you?” or “Are you kidding me,” but none of those retorts have the edge I’m looking for. 

I’m pretty sure none of my clients would ask that question.  I’m guessing they hope I’ll live to a ripe old age and continue seeing clients till they tire of me or until I can’t hear them anymore.  I love my work and enjoy helping others, so I have no plans for retirement at this time.  Actually, I have enough balance in my life and have had for years that I consider the last 20 years my retirement even though I have worked full time. 

Perhaps I’m experiencing age discrimination and am simply too dense to know it.  In the meantime, if anyone can think of a clever reply, let me know.  I’ll be too busy working to spend much time on it.

Kara and I review information on what it’s like to have a Pleasing Top Card.  You can learn more about your top card by going to www.lynnlott.com and clicking on “try this.”  Kara talks about her discouragement with her teachers and her efforts to solve problems when someone doesn’t treat her nicely.  Like many others, Kara leaves, thus digging a hole for herself that gets harder and harder to climb out of.    Kara reminds us that when kids misbehave, they are discouraged and the adult who understands the discouragement is the person who will make the biggest difference.  When adults react to discouraged behavior, they tend to make the problem bigger.  When they are pro-active, they help the misbehaving person belong and be significant in socially acceptable ways.    Kara wants adults to understand that discouraged kids aren’t bad kids; they simply act out and behave in ways that create problems.  For more information on mistaken goals, check out Do It Yourself Therapy at www.amazon.com.

Childhood memories are the window to the subconscious.  In this lively conversation, Ken and I explore the hidden decisions in his childhood memory and track how those decisions have affected his life.  We also revisit the question, “Is therapy for sissies?”  For more information about understanding childhood memories, you can purchase a copy of Do It Yourself Therapy at Amazon.com.

Ken and I liken the beliefs found in the childhood memories to an operating system that operates inside of every human similar to how an operating system works in your computer.  It plays in the background and organizes information using a set of rules.  You create your operating system before you are 5 years old and it is still running your life even as an adult.  With awareness of your subconscious set of rules, you can have insight and options in your current life.

This conversation is with Ken who was processing his thoughts and feelings after videotaping a two day training his mom and I led called Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way.  We cover a lot of ground in this session, starting with a conversation about Positive Discipline.  For many people, it is a new paradigm, moving away from autocratic parenting (”Do it because I say so!”) and permissive parenting (”Let me take care of everything to make you happy and comfortable.”) to kind and firm parenting.  Positive discipline tools help parents succeed with this new model and give them different ways of looking at behavior.  One of the tools Ken and I talk about is called the Mistaken Goal Chart.  I suggest that you download (for free) a copy of the chart from download@focusingonsolutions.com and follow along while we chat. 

Usually parents and teachers notice behavior and deal with behavior.  Using the mistaken goal chart, we show the adults who live and work with children how to understand the purpose of behavior and see the discouraged and mistaken ways that children think when they don’t feel a sense of belonging and significance.  By using this model, adults can encourage children instead of punish or spoil them.  Adults can discover ways to help children get attention, feel powerful, repair hurt feelings, and have the courage to try again when they think they aren’t good enough.

Ken used the mistaken goal chart to understand more about his 13 year old daughter when he found out she had cut school and was picked up by the truant office.  He said his reactive response would have been to punish and take away privileges.  Instead he pulled out the mistaken goal chart.  Follow along as Ken talks about how he discovered his daughter felt left out and hurt and unloved and was evening the score by skipping school.  Ken dealt with her hurt feelings by understanding, affirming, acknowledging them, and then apologizing for leaving her out (accidentally, of course).  He and his daughter set up iHop Mondays so they could spend some special time together.  Instead of continuing her discouraged behavior, his daughter did an about face and was even made student of the day at her school.

Looking at the purpose of behavior and the mistaken thinking goes against everything that comes naturally to adults who are trying their best to raise responsible children.  Using the positive discipline tools helps adults understand and know how young people are thinking.  Other tools that Ken and I talk about are validating feelings, asking curiosity questions, deciding what you will do, act without talking, and following through.  The Positive Discipline books are filled with tools, and I hope you will check them out to help you be a more proactive and successful parent.  There’s a list of the books with excerpts at my website, www.lynnlott.com.