Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

There are two parts to this recording as we got cut off part way through.  rec_dylanparta_20_Jul_2009_13_01_19

rec_dylanpartb_20_Jul_2009_13_11_25 

In part a Dylan talks about a pending felony charge against him and how this incident is helping him step up his game and do some things to improve his life and look better for the court.  We also talked about how angry he is and I attempted helping him identify what he’s angry about by doing an activity called the 10 Fingers of Anger.  Dylan is able to talk about some things that he’s angry about and what he does when he gets angry.  Given how much he represses his feelings or acts them out inappropriately, this was a good start.

 In part b, we continued talking about anger and reviewed information that can help Dylan understand more about his personality (and his Mom’s) and how he deals with anger.  Dylan talked about piercing himself when he’s angry, and I wish I had pursued this more given what happened after our session.  We made a date for another session, but this ended up being our last session, even though Dylan said that the sessions are helpful. 

When I called Dylan for our next appointment on the 29^th as we had agreed, he didn’t answer the phone.  I left a message and later that night, I got an email from his mom saying that the week had been very tough, Dylan had done a lot of drinking, and that he had been cutting himself, something I had not heard before, though Dylan did speak of putting a safety pin through his nose when he was angry.  Sounds like a real nightmare fueled with alcohol and perhaps other drugs.  Dylan’s drinking is clearly out of control and his behavior when he is under the influence is far different from the laughing, cynical but sweet boy on our recordings.  His mom was beside herself with worry and upset.

The next day Dylan’s mom wrote again saying Dylan was home safe and sober and feeling good.   I asked Mom to give Dylan my number so that he could call me if he wanted to do some more work.  A couple weeks later Mom wrote that she hadn’t given Dylan my number yet and that she was “taking her house back” and working on getting Dylan registered at the junior college and dealing with the assault charges.  The court appointed lawyer was working on getting the charges dropped as all evidence showed no willful or malicious conduct on Dylan’s part.  Mom said she’d be in touch when the court problem was over.

On 6/4/09 seventeen year old Dylan and I began an experiment.  I had an idea that some of my clients might be willing to give permission for others to listen in on our sessions.  My thinking was that since so many things that happen in a session are issues lots of people have, sharing the sessions might be a way of helping others who weren’t in therapy. 

After speaking with Dylan’s mom about this project, she suggested I ask Dylan if he would be willing to help me as I learned how to record sessions and upload them to my blog.  Dylan said he would like to do that and was fully aware that the sessions we did together would be made public.  He was comfortable with that and gave his full permission (as did his mom).  Dylan’s willingness to help outshone my ability to accomplish the technical part of this transaction.  It’s now November and I’m finally ready to post our sessions to my blog.  What we’re ending up with are 4 sessions, one of which I summarize because it didn’t get recorded due to my technological inexperience.

 Both the sessions and the technical parts have been a big challenge for me.  There are clients with whom I work fluidly and success starts right in the first few interactions I have with them.  There are other clients who, for any variety of reasons, are a tougher sell.  Dylan fell into that category, so the progress was so tiny that there were times it was barely observable.  Sometimes it seemed that Dylan was as resistant to therapy as I was to learning the technical aspects of the project.    

 Even though the sessions don’t represent a typical experience in therapy, over the years I’ve come to trust the process of therapy, knowing that people do get something from the experience that is positive and life changing for them, even if it’s not always exactly what I had in mind.  My hope is that Dylan will experience the positives and that you as a listener will learn something helpful, too.

living the dream in your fast food nation
giving your hard earned cash to the major corperations               
you work nine to five, just to stay alive
your life takes a dive, as the rich folks thrive
 
it’s like a giant game of monopoly
‘cept you go to jail longer and the parkings not free
rights are just privleges if they can be taken away
“freedom” doesn’t exist in the US of A
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
 
healthcare and hospitals turning people away
all because of of their inability to pay
they’ll leave you there to suffer and die
as the CEO’s joke and all the families cry
 
they kill innocent people in other countries/ overseas
to pay off and kiss ass to oil companies
for coperate funding and endorsement in the next election
man, money gives some mother fuckers a serious erection
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
  
Yes, teens are rebellious.  Yes, teens see the world in black and white.  And yes, teens can be extremely critical of their “elders.”  But this poem touched my heart and made me wonder how many teens feel so let down and disillusioned by the world they live in.  It made me want to know what teens who are this upset and discouraged might be deciding to do about this “messed up” world they live in.  Will they give up in despair, figuring it’s all too hopeless and impossible to change?  Will they strike back, causing chaos and revenge, striking out at others who they will “blame” for this state of affairs?  Will they punish themselves with drugs and alcohol, figuring the whole thing is meaningless, so why even bother?  Will they write amazing poetry and songs to alert their peers and the rest of us to this dismal view of our world, hoping to get our attention so we can do something to make things better?  What kind of encouragement do they need?

Sure, I know some of you are thinking, ”We walked to school barefoot through the snow to get to school and worked meaingless jobs for 5 cents an hour to have spending money when we were kids.  We never sassed the adults or questioned their veracity.  So why don’t these kids appreciate all they have and stop blaming and casting stones?” Personally, I think we need to listen and find ways to let them know we hear them and with their help, find ways to bridge the gap.  My hope is that they won’t give up on us or themselves, and that they’ll find ways to make positive contributions that will help our world small step by small step.

In the weeks to come, I’m going to be having conversations with the author of this poem.  If I can figure out the logistics, I’ll tape and then upload our conversations so you can listen to them if you like.  I have his permission, so all I’m missing is confidence in my own technical expertise.  Cross your fingers for me!

If you start at the end of this conversation instead of the beginning, you’ll get to hear Katie sing one of her songs.  It’s as interesting and compelling as Katie who openly shares about her switch to Electronic High School and how it came about.  For any of you who have kids struggling with school, you might want to check out this conversation.  Katie is also curious about the meaning of her childhood memories.  We explore one of them and get an excellent picture of Katie’s private logic, or operating system, or set of rules that she uses to figure out her life.  Katie’s joy and curiosity about learning about herself are contageous.  As you listen, perhaps you will want to learn more about yourself using your childhood memories as the path to awareness.

Kara and I review information on what it’s like to have a Pleasing Top Card.  You can learn more about your top card by going to www.lynnlott.com and clicking on “try this.”  Kara talks about her discouragement with her teachers and her efforts to solve problems when someone doesn’t treat her nicely.  Like many others, Kara leaves, thus digging a hole for herself that gets harder and harder to climb out of.    Kara reminds us that when kids misbehave, they are discouraged and the adult who understands the discouragement is the person who will make the biggest difference.  When adults react to discouraged behavior, they tend to make the problem bigger.  When they are pro-active, they help the misbehaving person belong and be significant in socially acceptable ways.    Kara wants adults to understand that discouraged kids aren’t bad kids; they simply act out and behave in ways that create problems.  For more information on mistaken goals, check out Do It Yourself Therapy at www.amazon.com.

Childhood memories are the window to the subconscious.  In this lively conversation, Ken and I explore the hidden decisions in his childhood memory and track how those decisions have affected his life.  We also revisit the question, “Is therapy for sissies?”  For more information about understanding childhood memories, you can purchase a copy of Do It Yourself Therapy at Amazon.com.

Ken and I liken the beliefs found in the childhood memories to an operating system that operates inside of every human similar to how an operating system works in your computer.  It plays in the background and organizes information using a set of rules.  You create your operating system before you are 5 years old and it is still running your life even as an adult.  With awareness of your subconscious set of rules, you can have insight and options in your current life.

This conversation is with Ken who was processing his thoughts and feelings after videotaping a two day training his mom and I led called Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way.  We cover a lot of ground in this session, starting with a conversation about Positive Discipline.  For many people, it is a new paradigm, moving away from autocratic parenting (“Do it because I say so!”) and permissive parenting (“Let me take care of everything to make you happy and comfortable.”) to kind and firm parenting.  Positive discipline tools help parents succeed with this new model and give them different ways of looking at behavior.  One of the tools Ken and I talk about is called the Mistaken Goal Chart.  I suggest that you download (for free) a copy of the chart from download@focusingonsolutions.com and follow along while we chat. 

Usually parents and teachers notice behavior and deal with behavior.  Using the mistaken goal chart, we show the adults who live and work with children how to understand the purpose of behavior and see the discouraged and mistaken ways that children think when they don’t feel a sense of belonging and significance.  By using this model, adults can encourage children instead of punish or spoil them.  Adults can discover ways to help children get attention, feel powerful, repair hurt feelings, and have the courage to try again when they think they aren’t good enough.

Ken used the mistaken goal chart to understand more about his 13 year old daughter when he found out she had cut school and was picked up by the truant office.  He said his reactive response would have been to punish and take away privileges.  Instead he pulled out the mistaken goal chart.  Follow along as Ken talks about how he discovered his daughter felt left out and hurt and unloved and was evening the score by skipping school.  Ken dealt with her hurt feelings by understanding, affirming, acknowledging them, and then apologizing for leaving her out (accidentally, of course).  He and his daughter set up iHop Mondays so they could spend some special time together.  Instead of continuing her discouraged behavior, his daughter did an about face and was even made student of the day at her school.

Looking at the purpose of behavior and the mistaken thinking goes against everything that comes naturally to adults who are trying their best to raise responsible children.  Using the positive discipline tools helps adults understand and know how young people are thinking.  Other tools that Ken and I talk about are validating feelings, asking curiosity questions, deciding what you will do, act without talking, and following through.  The Positive Discipline books are filled with tools, and I hope you will check them out to help you be a more proactive and successful parent.  There’s a list of the books with excerpts at my website, www.lynnlott.com.

I’m excited to add something new to my blog.  With the help of Ken Ainge, techie extraordinaire, I’ll be working on publishing a regular feature for LynnLottTherapy Talk.  It’s called “Conversations with Lynn.”  Each week I’ll be interviewing someone who has an issue who, by sharing it on the Internet, would like to help others learn and help themselves in the process.  The interviews can be found at http://feeds.feedburner.com/LynnLottTherapyTalk or can be downloaded for free from iTunes. 

In the first interview, Ken and I talk about therapy (Is it for sissies?), resistence (It’s better to accept or ignore your problems), getting stuck in the either/or lack of clear choices, top card personality test, the joys and woes of avoiding, what is stress and how is it different for everyone, and finally, Ken’s philosophy of right way/wrong way/my way.