Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

There are two parts to this recording as we got cut off part way through.  rec_dylanparta_20_Jul_2009_13_01_19

rec_dylanpartb_20_Jul_2009_13_11_25 

In part a Dylan talks about a pending felony charge against him and how this incident is helping him step up his game and do some things to improve his life and look better for the court.  We also talked about how angry he is and I attempted helping him identify what he’s angry about by doing an activity called the 10 Fingers of Anger.  Dylan is able to talk about some things that he’s angry about and what he does when he gets angry.  Given how much he represses his feelings or acts them out inappropriately, this was a good start.

 In part b, we continued talking about anger and reviewed information that can help Dylan understand more about his personality (and his Mom’s) and how he deals with anger.  Dylan talked about piercing himself when he’s angry, and I wish I had pursued this more given what happened after our session.  We made a date for another session, but this ended up being our last session, even though Dylan said that the sessions are helpful. 

When I called Dylan for our next appointment on the 29^th as we had agreed, he didn’t answer the phone.  I left a message and later that night, I got an email from his mom saying that the week had been very tough, Dylan had done a lot of drinking, and that he had been cutting himself, something I had not heard before, though Dylan did speak of putting a safety pin through his nose when he was angry.  Sounds like a real nightmare fueled with alcohol and perhaps other drugs.  Dylan’s drinking is clearly out of control and his behavior when he is under the influence is far different from the laughing, cynical but sweet boy on our recordings.  His mom was beside herself with worry and upset.

The next day Dylan’s mom wrote again saying Dylan was home safe and sober and feeling good.   I asked Mom to give Dylan my number so that he could call me if he wanted to do some more work.  A couple weeks later Mom wrote that she hadn’t given Dylan my number yet and that she was “taking her house back” and working on getting Dylan registered at the junior college and dealing with the assault charges.  The court appointed lawyer was working on getting the charges dropped as all evidence showed no willful or malicious conduct on Dylan’s part.  Mom said she’d be in touch when the court problem was over.

Once again, if you prefer listening to the session, follow the link:  mod_rec_dylan_29_Jun_2009_14_03_23

If you prefer a bit of introduction first, read on.  I received an email from Dylan’s mom telling me that one of his friends had died from an overdose.  She thought Dylan might want to talk about it and wanted to alert me.  She must experience the Dylan who, when asked what he’d like to talk about says, “Nothing,” and when asked how he feels, says, “Fine.”  

Since Dylan had given his permission, I also had his mom’s list of other topics she wanted Dylan to explore.  The list included the following:  Dylan said he’s paranoid all the time and guilty about living while others are dying; dealing with his 23 year old cousin; and getting weird thoughts. 

You’ll notice that we jump from topic to topic.  Dylan may think this is his ADHD, but I’d venture a guess that for whatever reason, he’s not that into our session today.  I work at getting Dylan to share his feelings and finally decide that perhaps he’d like to learn something rather than continue this parry back and forth. 

I introduce Dylan to my definition of stress and what it’s like to fall into the land of discouragement where people struggle with issues of identity, power, justice, and skills.  (I’m not sure if any of this is helpful, but later I hear from his Mom that Dylan was trying to teach her what he learned to help her with her stress.) 

Notice that Dylan says he sets the bar low for himself so he doesn’t feel bad about himself.  Not a great solution, really.  He also believes he has power over himself regarding his drinking, but this is an illusion.  (His mother reported a terrifying event on 7/29 where Dylan was so drunk he was threatening his parents and then ripped off his shirt and showed his mom that he had carved “Fuck you’ on his chest.  He’s also been cutting himself and not sleeping much.  I realize that some people think people suffer from other mental illnesses and drink to calm things down, but in my experience, all that Dylan’s mom is reporting goes away when someone stops drinking abusively.)  (more…)

You may simply want to listen to this session and come to your own conclusions.  If so, click on the link and read no farther.  rec_dylan_25_Jun_2009_15_35_23

This was a very tough session. On the one hand, Dylan says he wants to be in therapy, but his actions are those of constant resistance.  I asked Dylan why he would want to talk with me since he loves his life so much.  He reminds me that he’s doing this to help me, which I appreciate, but I suggest that we both want to get something out of this so it’s not one-sided.  (We’re interrupted by the news that Michael Jackson died, which means that Dylan is probably watching TV while we talk.)

When asked what he’d like to talk about, Dylan said that he didn’t have a clue, so I gave a lot of choices and Dylan told me to pick one and surprise him.  I asked, “How will your life be at 22,” to which he replied that he can’t think 5 minutes ahead.  I pushed and asked, “Where do you see yourself living at 22?  Is your current lifestyle what you aspire to?”  Dylan tells me he’d like to learn to live without money and be a vagabond.  I’m not sure if this is the magical thinking of a teen’s rebellion against adult or societal values, or if he’s pulling my leg.

 The conversation about money leads to how much the times were better when Dylan and his family lived with Grandma which began when he was 9.  When she died they were homeless.  Before that, Dylan spent time skate boarding, riding bikes, hanging out, and building a tree house with his dad. (more…)

I wonder if encouragement is on our minds because it’s Fall and the kids have gone back to school?  Whatever the reason, Jane and I want to make the art of encouragement easier for you.  Psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs said, “Children need encouragment like plants need water.”  How right he was.  Especially once school starts.  What Dreikurs didn’t say is that adults need encouragement like plants need water.  There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t worried about being good enough or simply being enough.  Encouragement is what gets us through the down times.  Listen to this discussion that Jane and I had this morning about encouragement to learn more about how important it is and how to do it.  Click on the word “Encouragement” below and then again on the next page that appears to hear our conversation.

Encouragement

Jane Nelsen,parenting guru, and I have written a lot of books together and enjoy working on projects together.  This may be the beginning of something new or the one and only time we record a casual conversation together about our views on issues, clients, and parenting.  I’ve been learning how to use Skype and Pamela for Skype so that I can record some of my therapy sessions and upload them to the web.  The going is slow, but very exciting.  (Wish I were a kid again growing up with all this electronic stuff being a normal part of my life instead of having to try to learn at this age.)  I asked Jane if she’d experiment with me so we could talk about attachment parenting.  If my limited technological skill works, you can listen to our discussion.

Jane Nelson&Lynn Lott on Attachment Parenting

If you start at the end of this conversation instead of the beginning, you’ll get to hear Katie sing one of her songs.  It’s as interesting and compelling as Katie who openly shares about her switch to Electronic High School and how it came about.  For any of you who have kids struggling with school, you might want to check out this conversation.  Katie is also curious about the meaning of her childhood memories.  We explore one of them and get an excellent picture of Katie’s private logic, or operating system, or set of rules that she uses to figure out her life.  Katie’s joy and curiosity about learning about herself are contageous.  As you listen, perhaps you will want to learn more about yourself using your childhood memories as the path to awareness.

Kara and I review information on what it’s like to have a Pleasing Top Card.  You can learn more about your top card by going to www.lynnlott.com and clicking on “try this.”  Kara talks about her discouragement with her teachers and her efforts to solve problems when someone doesn’t treat her nicely.  Like many others, Kara leaves, thus digging a hole for herself that gets harder and harder to climb out of.    Kara reminds us that when kids misbehave, they are discouraged and the adult who understands the discouragement is the person who will make the biggest difference.  When adults react to discouraged behavior, they tend to make the problem bigger.  When they are pro-active, they help the misbehaving person belong and be significant in socially acceptable ways.    Kara wants adults to understand that discouraged kids aren’t bad kids; they simply act out and behave in ways that create problems.  For more information on mistaken goals, check out Do It Yourself Therapy at www.amazon.com.

Childhood memories are the window to the subconscious.  In this lively conversation, Ken and I explore the hidden decisions in his childhood memory and track how those decisions have affected his life.  We also revisit the question, “Is therapy for sissies?”  For more information about understanding childhood memories, you can purchase a copy of Do It Yourself Therapy at Amazon.com.

Ken and I liken the beliefs found in the childhood memories to an operating system that operates inside of every human similar to how an operating system works in your computer.  It plays in the background and organizes information using a set of rules.  You create your operating system before you are 5 years old and it is still running your life even as an adult.  With awareness of your subconscious set of rules, you can have insight and options in your current life.

This conversation is with Ken who was processing his thoughts and feelings after videotaping a two day training his mom and I led called Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way.  We cover a lot of ground in this session, starting with a conversation about Positive Discipline.  For many people, it is a new paradigm, moving away from autocratic parenting (“Do it because I say so!”) and permissive parenting (“Let me take care of everything to make you happy and comfortable.”) to kind and firm parenting.  Positive discipline tools help parents succeed with this new model and give them different ways of looking at behavior.  One of the tools Ken and I talk about is called the Mistaken Goal Chart.  I suggest that you download (for free) a copy of the chart from download@focusingonsolutions.com and follow along while we chat. 

Usually parents and teachers notice behavior and deal with behavior.  Using the mistaken goal chart, we show the adults who live and work with children how to understand the purpose of behavior and see the discouraged and mistaken ways that children think when they don’t feel a sense of belonging and significance.  By using this model, adults can encourage children instead of punish or spoil them.  Adults can discover ways to help children get attention, feel powerful, repair hurt feelings, and have the courage to try again when they think they aren’t good enough.

Ken used the mistaken goal chart to understand more about his 13 year old daughter when he found out she had cut school and was picked up by the truant office.  He said his reactive response would have been to punish and take away privileges.  Instead he pulled out the mistaken goal chart.  Follow along as Ken talks about how he discovered his daughter felt left out and hurt and unloved and was evening the score by skipping school.  Ken dealt with her hurt feelings by understanding, affirming, acknowledging them, and then apologizing for leaving her out (accidentally, of course).  He and his daughter set up iHop Mondays so they could spend some special time together.  Instead of continuing her discouraged behavior, his daughter did an about face and was even made student of the day at her school.

Looking at the purpose of behavior and the mistaken thinking goes against everything that comes naturally to adults who are trying their best to raise responsible children.  Using the positive discipline tools helps adults understand and know how young people are thinking.  Other tools that Ken and I talk about are validating feelings, asking curiosity questions, deciding what you will do, act without talking, and following through.  The Positive Discipline books are filled with tools, and I hope you will check them out to help you be a more proactive and successful parent.  There’s a list of the books with excerpts at my website, www.lynnlott.com.

I’m excited to add something new to my blog.  With the help of Ken Ainge, techie extraordinaire, I’ll be working on publishing a regular feature for LynnLottTherapy Talk.  It’s called “Conversations with Lynn.”  Each week I’ll be interviewing someone who has an issue who, by sharing it on the Internet, would like to help others learn and help themselves in the process.  The interviews can be found at http://feeds.feedburner.com/LynnLottTherapyTalk or can be downloaded for free from iTunes. 

In the first interview, Ken and I talk about therapy (Is it for sissies?), resistence (It’s better to accept or ignore your problems), getting stuck in the either/or lack of clear choices, top card personality test, the joys and woes of avoiding, what is stress and how is it different for everyone, and finally, Ken’s philosophy of right way/wrong way/my way.