Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

This might be the first of many posts about the magic of childhood memories.  Then again, it could take another 6 months before I find the time and desire to write again.  This post is about sharing with you one of the most magical and effective tools that you have with you all the time for solving problems.  The tool is your childhood memories.  If you learn to use your memories effectively, you’ll be surprised at how much you can learn about yourself and how much they can help you get unstuck in your current life.

Here’s how it works.  Think of a problem you are currently having that you wish would get better or go away.  Now think of any childhood memory and don’t worry if the memory is related to the problem.  Trust that the first memory you think of is the one that will be filled with magical help you need.  Write down the memory, including your age at the time of the memory, how you felt when the incident happened, what you were thinking, and what you were doing at the time.  Usually what you were doing is what you still do to solve problems, even though you are probably a lot older and “wiser.”  Sometime we refer to this part of the memory as what you were deciding (even though you weren’t aware you were making any decisions at the time).  Memories that begin with, “I remember one time….” work better than memories that start with, “We always used to………..”

Here are some examples:  A woman was feeling constantly unsettled about where she lived and thought it might be time to move, even though the thought of moving was scary.  She was stuck in this emotional place for over a year.  One day she asked herself what her memory was.  Immediately, she pictured a time when she was 11 and her mother was yelling at her father asking where the check was.  He was yelling back, telling her not to be a nag and that the money would be there tomorrow.  She felt scared and worried and unhappy that her parents were fighting.  She decided that her father was right and that her mother was over-reacting and that she’d never behave like her mother.  When she examined what the memory was about, she realized that she didn’t want to live outside her means because she believed it could lead to the kind of problems her parents had.  Since she was living outside her means and raiding her savings, she decided it was time to start looking for a new place.  Though she still had moments of fear, the need to live within her means was much stronger than her worries about change and the unknown.  She felt relieved and had direction for the first time in over a year.

In another instance, a couple was arguing over redecorating their home.  The husband was a designer and felt angry that his wife didn’t take his word for what needed to be done.  She was panicked, thinking that his suggestions might not work out the way he predicted.  The argument was going in circles until she asked herself for  a childhood memory.  She remembered waiting at the mail slot in her living room watching for the mail to come.  When letters would slip through the slot, she’d see her grandmother’s familiar handwriting and be excited knowing that Grandma had sent a letter and that the letter probably contained a stick of gum.  She was 8 years old and felt anticipation and excitement.  She decided that she had to watch closely so that she didn’t miss out on her grandmother’s letters.  As she thought about the memory and how it related to her current issue, she realized that she had to see things and that all the conversations about decorating didn’t substitute for actually physically moving furniture around in different configurations so she could see how the new arrangements would look.  Her husband made the connection, too, and though he hated moving furniture around physically, he knew how important it was to his wife.  She didn’t possess his ability to “move” the pieces around in her mind the way he could.

In another instance,  a woman was struggling over vacation plans, making herself and her family crazy with all her questions and changes.  As she wondered why she was making herself so miserable, she remembered as a kid how her mother catered to her dad, giving in to him even when she didn’t agree.  She realized that she had decided that was her job, so she was catering to her husband by going along with his wishes, but then changing the plans because they didn’t match what she really wanted.  It was no wonder her husband threw up his hands and said, “You always get what you want!”  She realized that it would be okay for her to say (when it was true), “I want my way on this.”  Most of the time she didn’t have such strong feelings and was happy to do what the rest of her family wanted.  By making this change, she experienced much less stress, as did the rest of her family.

In a different case, a client came to me with anxiety attacks and in the course of her work, asked why she was having these awful attacks.  She thought of a childhood memory when she was 8 and her mother had to be hospitalized.  That was very traumatic for her, and she didn’t know why her mom was in the hospital or if and when she’d be coming home.  She decided she couldn’t handle things on her own and was  a lost soul without her mother.  It may seem like a stretch, but with help she realized that she gets into situations with her own children where she feels over her head and her “eight-year-old” who lives inside her is suddenly in charge.  This is terrifying, especially if she’s driving her car with the kids in the backseat.  Even though she’s behind the wheel, her “eight-year-old” is calling the shots, and she’s not even old enough or tall enough to drive.  No wonder she’s filled with anxiety.  Since she had this ah hah, she’s been imagining comforting that little kid within, letting her know that she won’t let her down and that she’ll be there through the tough times and together they’ll work it out.  It’s helping!

This may all seem overly-simplistic or too confusing, but don’t give up.  What is required is making that leap of faith that your memories are more than the stories of your past.  They are also metaphors of how you think, feel, and solve problems today.  The more you work with them, the better you’ll get at unlocking the clues and using them to solve problems.

Sorry if I’m being repetitive, (but not that sorry!)  I am so annoyed by conversations and lists in books that label feelings as negative and positive.  It’s time to rewrite this fallacy.  Feelings are simply feelings.  They won’t kill you.   They come and they go.  They are like the warning lights on the dashboard of your car–here to give you valuable information about your thoughts and your actions or possible actions.   Some feelings may be more uncomfortable or unfamiliar than others, but they are not your enemy.  You can learn from them.

One of the feelings that has gotten the worst rap is anger.  That’s probably because people look at behavior and think behavior is a feeling.  If someone is ranting and raving or being a bully or abusive, that behavior is thought to be anger.  It’s not.  It’s disrespectful behavior, which can be generated by many different feelings.  Some people want to eradicate anger completely, and insist there is no such feeling, that anger is only a cover-up for hurt. 

Many people are out of touch with their feelings or afraid of them.  Anger is one of those feelings that scares people and sometimes is referred to as a “negative” emotion. Anger is a human response to being out of control, over-controlled, powerless, having a lack of control, being bossed, or not getting what one wants.  All of these relationship situations can be improved if you stop discounting the angry feeling. If you would like to understand more about your anger and what it is trying to tell you, try the following activity.  With increased understanding, you can work on behaving more respectfully to deal with your feelings.

Hold up your hands in front of you.  Imagine putting something you are angry about on each of your fingers. You don’t need to remember what is on each finger, other than the last three.  This activity helps you get to deeply buried anger issues that rise to the surface after the smaller issues get unloaded.    Some people can very quickly think of ten things they are angry at; others take longer; and for those out of touch with their feelings,  it can take even longer, but is well worth the effort.  Just be patient and encourage yourself  by knowing it is okay to take as long as you need.

Here’s an example of what one person came up with for his 10 fingers of anger:  I’m angry at my boss because he doesn’t appreciate me; I’m angry because I don’t make enough money; I’m angry because my wife is on me to help the minute I walk in the door; I’m angry because my children are spoiled and expect too much; I’m angry at my parents for not teaching me more skills when I was a kid; I’m angry because I never get to go fishing; I’m angry because when I go fishing I rarely catch any fish (this made him laugh); I’m angry at myself for not standing up for what I want; I’m angry because life isn’t turning out the way I hoped; and finally, I’m angry because I don’t see a way to make things better.

 After the activity, ask yourself what you learned from the exercise.  Take one of the last anger responses (from finger 8, 9, or 10) and explore how you handle that feeling in real time.  Do you ignore it, hold it in, explode, drown the feeling in alcohol and drugs, etc.  Any of those behavioral responses are disrespectful to yourself and others and won’t really make the anger go away.   In the example above, this guy handles his anger by giving up and blaming others for his life.

 There are many ways to deal respectfully with your anger.  One is to simply acknowledge it, saying to yourself, “I’m angry, and that’s okay to feel that way.”  Or you could say to the person you perceive to be making your life miserable, “I’m angry because__________and I wish___________. ” It’s a simple, yet effective release of anger.  Another solution is to look for choices, as anger results often from the belief that you have no choices.  If you can’t see alternatives, sometimes it’s helpful to brainstorm with someone else about choices you might have.  You can also look for small steps to get yourself moving freely again.  Although it may be hard to believe, no one is the boss of you except you, and the only person you can change is yourself! 

Back to the example.  The angry guy was shocked at how angry he was.  He never thought of himself as an angry person, just someone who was unlucky.  He decided that he would plan one thing each week that he wanted to do and then he would do it.  Surprisingly, some of the things he wanted to do were with his kids and his wife.  He told his kids he wanted to go fishing with them, and they agreed.  He told his wife he wanted to give her a night off and that he would cook dinner and clean-up.  Just from these simple steps, he started to feel better about himself and his life.  He realized for the first time that he was more in control of his life than he previously thought.  By zeroing in on his anger and acknowledging it, he was able to begin to make his life better.

The mind and body are connected.  What we think leads to what we feel, and what we feel is the energy that drives our behavior.  If we ignore any part of the human condition, we are missing out on valuable information that can move us toward a more socially interested and respectful, fulfilled life.

Years ago someone asked me, “If your partner never changed from how he is today, would you want to spend the rest of your life with him?”  At the time I heard this question, I protested about the question rather than answering it.  I justified the answer and the question, just as I did my relationship. 

After spending 22 years in a second marriage, if you asked me that question today, I wouldn’t hesitate answering it.  Of course I would want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, and if there is such a thing as future lives, I’d be just fine spending those with him, too.

Hardly a day goes by that someone doesn’t ask me the question, “How do I know if it’s time to leave my relationship?”  It’s as difficult a decision for them as it was for me.  I’d say that the struggle is necessary to learn about yourself and what it means to you to feel and show love.  There are no easy answers.

This helped me.  If 75% of your time is awful and 25% is good, that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship.  If you can flip that around and notice that 75% of your time together is great and that there are struggles 25% of the time, you have a better chance of being in the right relationship.  It also helped me to listen to my feelings instead of my head.  My head was filled with logic about why it was the good and right thing to do to stay.  My heart and my gut and other ideas.  When I started listening to them, the information I got was important, yet scary.

It takes courage to be a human being, and it took courage and a leap of faith for me to make the decision to stay or to leave.  If you are in this struggle, listen to your feelings and trust that there is life after divorce.

One of the fun parts of my job as a therapist is learning from my clients.  They are such great teachers.  The other day, one of them said, “I just want to make new mistakes instead of making the same ones over and over again.”  What a concept.  We all know it’s non-productive to keep doing what doesn’t work over and over expecting a different outcome.  It’s magical thinking, time wasting, and insanity!  Hopefully we also know that making mistakes is a way to learn, so giving ourselves permission to make new mistakes is giving permission to be a learner.  This comment came from someone who has lived her life trying to cover all the bases so she would never make a mistake.  Not only is that impossible, but it’s certainly stopped her growth.  Now she’s got a plan that will work for her and a way to encourage herself to grow and change. 

Another client thanked me for the navigational tools she’s learned in therapy.  It’s not an expression I would have used, but I love it, because that’s really what happens in therapy when it’s working.  It’s one thing to create awareness and acceptance in my office; it’s another thing to take what my clients have learned out into the real world to help them navigate life. 

One of the navigational tools folks learn when they work with me is called top card, which is all about personality differences and how to be accepting and appreciative of them.  Another navigational tool is to be aware of their feelings and learn how to name them, express them, and honor them without damaging others in the process.  Acceptance and objectiveness and humor are other tools.  When they’re working, my clients can step back and look at themselves and others with amusement, fascination, and curiosity.  Many of my clients work with their childhood memories, but not in the way you might think.  What we’re looking for is the information hidden in the memory that can help them be more realistic about who they are and how they view life, others, and what their game plan for living is.

A third client said to me after working her way through a session, “So what you’re saying is that I have to tell people what I need?”  When I stopped and thought about it, yes, it was exactly what I was saying, but not in such a consice and helpful way.  Since she mentioned it, that expression has helped many others who have come through my door as well as helping me get clearer in my own relationships.

The Two Tongues

Since I’m on the parenting track this morning, here’s another little story I found in my files that I still love and hope you will, too.  It’s not easy to let go.  It requires a lot of courage and faith and even a bit of patience.  But the benefits are great for everyone.

“The first time my son wanted to climb to the top of the slide was the first time I remember experiencing the feeling of letting go.  He was ready, but I was not.  He was a careful kid who didn’t try things unless he thought he could do them.  I remembered Dreikur’s words, “A bruised knee can mend, but bruised courage lasts a lifetime.”  I took a deep breath and moved away from the slide—far enough to give him a sense of confidence and close enough to grab onto him if he fell.  Of course he did just fine, and so did I. 

That event wasn’t any easier than the time he was late for school and I hid in the bushes while he walked crying into the building, or the time he was ready to cross the alley without my help and I hid behind the plants watching from a safe distance, ready to leap in front of him if a car should happen along.  As he got older the letting go opportunities multiplied along with his courage and self-confidence and my faith that he would grow to be an old man. Of course I did create an imaginary golden net to protect him when I wasn’t nearby, and so far it’s working just fine!”

I was browsing through Positive Discipline A-Z, a book I wrote with Jane Nelsen and Steve Glenn, when I came across this story.  My grandson is now 5 and much more sophisticated, but the story still makes me laugh.  For those of you who are struggling with “bad language” with your toddlers, you might find a bit of help or at least a chuckle.

“When I was a kid, if we used “bad” language we were threatened to have our mouths washed out with soap. I’m not sure our parents ever did the dastardly dead, but I’ve certainly worked with enough clients who experienced the soapy bubbles as a punishment for swearing.

When my nephews were little, my sister and I spent hours with them in the car trying to get them to stop using potty talk. All of our attempts failed until we decided to join them and talk like a couple of four year olds. They were so disgusted and annoyed with us they stopped.

My grandson discovered that when he talked potty talk at school he had to sit in a special place and take some space until he was ready to try again using better language.  The word “stupid” made the rounds at pre-school and was considered a bad and hurtful word.  Any kid using that word got a lot of attention, even if the attention was negative.  The attention didn’t seem to diminish the use of the word.  One day my daughter asked if I could talk to my grandson about the use of that word.  Here’s our discussion:

Me:  Z, I understand that you like to say the word “stupid” and that it gets you in trouble at home and at school.

Z:  Yes, Grandma.  That’s a bad word and we’re not supposed to say it.

Me:  You know, I don’t think words are good or bad.  I think the problem is in where and how you use them.  If you say, “Stupid.” to hurt someone’s feelings, that’s a problem.  If you say “stupid” around people who don’t like to hear that word, that’s a problem, too.  Personally, I don’t mind if you say the word around me, but I have discovered something that happens whenever I hear the word.

Z:  What’s that, Grandma?

Me:  It makes my hands need to tickle someone and I can’t seem to make them stop till the person stops saying that word.  Want to try it out?

Z:  Okay.

Z said, “Stupid” and I tickled him till he asked me to stop.  Eventually he decided that he wouldn’t use that word around me.  It was his choice.

On another occasion he burst out with a flood of potty talk which he calls potty mouth.  He looked at me and said, “Grandma, I can say those words around you, right?”  I think he got the message about appropriate places to use certain language.  When he tried out the “F” word on me (age 4), saying he was sure he could use that word around me, I said, “You could use that word, but I prefer “Holy Schlamoley.”  We spent the rest of the day saying “Holy Schlamoley” to everything and that was the end of the “F” word.”

Do you ever get into that black and white thinking, certain there are only two choices to a given situation?  It’s not unusual with my clients, and since they normally hate either choice, they feel trapped and stuck, unable to move forward.  Normally, when I think there are only two choices, I remember there’s grey and look for more options which are almost always lurking around the corner.  So it was a surprise to me to realize that I had fallen into the trap while on my road trip, and hadn’t realized that was the situation.  My husband and I were laughing about how I worked so hard to either find a campsite that had an electrical outlet near the picnic table OR find a campsite where the table wasn’t so far from the outlet that I could physically maneuver the table (with great difficulty) closer to the outlet.  There I was, in that old either/or, black or white thinking.  My husband asked me why I didn’t simply buy an extension cord, and the suggestion caught me completely by surprise.  It was so simple and so obvious and so do-able, but it had never occurred to me.  I had limited my options in my mind and had forgotten that there could be a “grey” choice.

Often those “grey” choices aren’t quite as easy to find, but they do exist.  If you’re stuck between a rock and a hard spot, it might help to tell someone else your thinking and ask for their help to find more options.  Surely, there will be “an extension cord” just around the corner for you, too.

Corny title, I know, but it sort of fits for me.  Sometimes I learn a lot after the fact, as I tend to be very much in the moment most of the time.  I took a road trip and kept a journal on my trip.  I would have blogged, but I hadn’t figured out how to set up the site yet.  After the trip, I went back over the journal and put headings in.  As I reviewed the headings, I realized I had accidentally created a list of 15 Suggestions to Improve Your Life.  Had I created the list before my trip and tried to create the experiences, it probably wouldn’t have worked.  But I do like these suggestions and think they might give you pause for thought.  I know I’ll look at the list when I’m feeling down and trying to figure out some action that can give me a jump start out of the blues.   Here’s the list:

Follow your dreams…sort of!

Surround yourself with people who know and support you.

Even the best laid plans can fall apart, so be ready to turn mistakes into adventures.

Connect with family.

Find it, save it. Think it, do it.

Make time for friends.

Be ready for surprises since things aren’t always what you think they’ll be.

Begging and whining (and other childish habits) have their place, so go for it!

Create routines that work for you.

Make time to play…and learn.

Meditate and gain insight.

Welcome the unexpected.

Revisit the familiar.

Bad is bad, so don’t sugar coat it.

Life is a circle and endings are rarely the end.

The trip journal called Roadtrip is long and may be boring to anyone who didn’t take the trip, but you might want to search for some of the suggestions from the above list and see if you could create that behavior in your life.  When you change what you do, it changes how you feel and how you think about yourself.  Go for it!