Sorry if I’m being repetitive, (but not that sorry!) I am so annoyed by conversations and lists in books that label feelings as negative and positive. It’s time to rewrite this fallacy. Feelings are simply feelings. They won’t kill you. They come and they go. They are like the warning lights on the dashboard of your car–here to give you valuable information about your thoughts and your actions or possible actions. Some feelings may be more uncomfortable or unfamiliar than others, but they are not your enemy. You can learn from them.
One of the feelings that has gotten the worst rap is anger. That’s probably because people look at behavior and think behavior is a feeling. If someone is ranting and raving or being a bully or abusive, that behavior is thought to be anger. It’s not. It’s disrespectful behavior, which can be generated by many different feelings. Some people want to eradicate anger completely, and insist there is no such feeling, that anger is only a cover-up for hurt.
Many people are out of touch with their feelings or afraid of them. Anger is one of those feelings that scares people and sometimes is referred to as a “negative” emotion. Anger is a human response to being out of control, over-controlled, powerless, having a lack of control, being bossed, or not getting what one wants. All of these relationship situations can be improved if you stop discounting the angry feeling. If you would like to understand more about your anger and what it is trying to tell you, try the following activity. With increased understanding, you can work on behaving more respectfully to deal with your feelings.
Hold up your hands in front of you. Imagine putting something you are angry about on each of your fingers. You don’t need to remember what is on each finger, other than the last three. This activity helps you get to deeply buried anger issues that rise to the surface after the smaller issues get unloaded. Some people can very quickly think of ten things they are angry at; others take longer; and for those out of touch with their feelings, it can take even longer, but is well worth the effort. Just be patient and encourage yourself by knowing it is okay to take as long as you need.
Here’s an example of what one person came up with for his 10 fingers of anger: I’m angry at my boss because he doesn’t appreciate me; I’m angry because I don’t make enough money; I’m angry because my wife is on me to help the minute I walk in the door; I’m angry because my children are spoiled and expect too much; I’m angry at my parents for not teaching me more skills when I was a kid; I’m angry because I never get to go fishing; I’m angry because when I go fishing I rarely catch any fish (this made him laugh); I’m angry at myself for not standing up for what I want; I’m angry because life isn’t turning out the way I hoped; and finally, I’m angry because I don’t see a way to make things better.
After the activity, ask yourself what you learned from the exercise. Take one of the last anger responses (from finger 8, 9, or 10) and explore how you handle that feeling in real time. Do you ignore it, hold it in, explode, drown the feeling in alcohol and drugs, etc. Any of those behavioral responses are disrespectful to yourself and others and won’t really make the anger go away. In the example above, this guy handles his anger by giving up and blaming others for his life.
There are many ways to deal respectfully with your anger. One is to simply acknowledge it, saying to yourself, “I’m angry, and that’s okay to feel that way.” Or you could say to the person you perceive to be making your life miserable, “I’m angry because__________and I wish___________. ” It’s a simple, yet effective release of anger. Another solution is to look for choices, as anger results often from the belief that you have no choices. If you can’t see alternatives, sometimes it’s helpful to brainstorm with someone else about choices you might have. You can also look for small steps to get yourself moving freely again. Although it may be hard to believe, no one is the boss of you except you, and the only person you can change is yourself!
Back to the example. The angry guy was shocked at how angry he was. He never thought of himself as an angry person, just someone who was unlucky. He decided that he would plan one thing each week that he wanted to do and then he would do it. Surprisingly, some of the things he wanted to do were with his kids and his wife. He told his kids he wanted to go fishing with them, and they agreed. He told his wife he wanted to give her a night off and that he would cook dinner and clean-up. Just from these simple steps, he started to feel better about himself and his life. He realized for the first time that he was more in control of his life than he previously thought. By zeroing in on his anger and acknowledging it, he was able to begin to make his life better.
The mind and body are connected. What we think leads to what we feel, and what we feel is the energy that drives our behavior. If we ignore any part of the human condition, we are missing out on valuable information that can move us toward a more socially interested and respectful, fulfilled life.
