Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

This might be the first of many posts about the magic of childhood memories.  Then again, it could take another 6 months before I find the time and desire to write again.  This post is about sharing with you one of the most magical and effective tools that you have with you all the time for solving problems.  The tool is your childhood memories.  If you learn to use your memories effectively, you’ll be surprised at how much you can learn about yourself and how much they can help you get unstuck in your current life.

Here’s how it works.  Think of a problem you are currently having that you wish would get better or go away.  Now think of any childhood memory and don’t worry if the memory is related to the problem.  Trust that the first memory you think of is the one that will be filled with magical help you need.  Write down the memory, including your age at the time of the memory, how you felt when the incident happened, what you were thinking, and what you were doing at the time.  Usually what you were doing is what you still do to solve problems, even though you are probably a lot older and “wiser.”  Sometime we refer to this part of the memory as what you were deciding (even though you weren’t aware you were making any decisions at the time).  Memories that begin with, “I remember one time….” work better than memories that start with, “We always used to………..”

Here are some examples:  A woman was feeling constantly unsettled about where she lived and thought it might be time to move, even though the thought of moving was scary.  She was stuck in this emotional place for over a year.  One day she asked herself what her memory was.  Immediately, she pictured a time when she was 11 and her mother was yelling at her father asking where the check was.  He was yelling back, telling her not to be a nag and that the money would be there tomorrow.  She felt scared and worried and unhappy that her parents were fighting.  She decided that her father was right and that her mother was over-reacting and that she’d never behave like her mother.  When she examined what the memory was about, she realized that she didn’t want to live outside her means because she believed it could lead to the kind of problems her parents had.  Since she was living outside her means and raiding her savings, she decided it was time to start looking for a new place.  Though she still had moments of fear, the need to live within her means was much stronger than her worries about change and the unknown.  She felt relieved and had direction for the first time in over a year.

In another instance, a couple was arguing over redecorating their home.  The husband was a designer and felt angry that his wife didn’t take his word for what needed to be done.  She was panicked, thinking that his suggestions might not work out the way he predicted.  The argument was going in circles until she asked herself for  a childhood memory.  She remembered waiting at the mail slot in her living room watching for the mail to come.  When letters would slip through the slot, she’d see her grandmother’s familiar handwriting and be excited knowing that Grandma had sent a letter and that the letter probably contained a stick of gum.  She was 8 years old and felt anticipation and excitement.  She decided that she had to watch closely so that she didn’t miss out on her grandmother’s letters.  As she thought about the memory and how it related to her current issue, she realized that she had to see things and that all the conversations about decorating didn’t substitute for actually physically moving furniture around in different configurations so she could see how the new arrangements would look.  Her husband made the connection, too, and though he hated moving furniture around physically, he knew how important it was to his wife.  She didn’t possess his ability to “move” the pieces around in her mind the way he could.

In another instance,  a woman was struggling over vacation plans, making herself and her family crazy with all her questions and changes.  As she wondered why she was making herself so miserable, she remembered as a kid how her mother catered to her dad, giving in to him even when she didn’t agree.  She realized that she had decided that was her job, so she was catering to her husband by going along with his wishes, but then changing the plans because they didn’t match what she really wanted.  It was no wonder her husband threw up his hands and said, “You always get what you want!”  She realized that it would be okay for her to say (when it was true), “I want my way on this.”  Most of the time she didn’t have such strong feelings and was happy to do what the rest of her family wanted.  By making this change, she experienced much less stress, as did the rest of her family.

In a different case, a client came to me with anxiety attacks and in the course of her work, asked why she was having these awful attacks.  She thought of a childhood memory when she was 8 and her mother had to be hospitalized.  That was very traumatic for her, and she didn’t know why her mom was in the hospital or if and when she’d be coming home.  She decided she couldn’t handle things on her own and was  a lost soul without her mother.  It may seem like a stretch, but with help she realized that she gets into situations with her own children where she feels over her head and her “eight-year-old” who lives inside her is suddenly in charge.  This is terrifying, especially if she’s driving her car with the kids in the backseat.  Even though she’s behind the wheel, her “eight-year-old” is calling the shots, and she’s not even old enough or tall enough to drive.  No wonder she’s filled with anxiety.  Since she had this ah hah, she’s been imagining comforting that little kid within, letting her know that she won’t let her down and that she’ll be there through the tough times and together they’ll work it out.  It’s helping!

This may all seem overly-simplistic or too confusing, but don’t give up.  What is required is making that leap of faith that your memories are more than the stories of your past.  They are also metaphors of how you think, feel, and solve problems today.  The more you work with them, the better you’ll get at unlocking the clues and using them to solve problems.

Sorry if I’m being repetitive, (but not that sorry!)  I am so annoyed by conversations and lists in books that label feelings as negative and positive.  It’s time to rewrite this fallacy.  Feelings are simply feelings.  They won’t kill you.   They come and they go.  They are like the warning lights on the dashboard of your car–here to give you valuable information about your thoughts and your actions or possible actions.   Some feelings may be more uncomfortable or unfamiliar than others, but they are not your enemy.  You can learn from them.

One of the feelings that has gotten the worst rap is anger.  That’s probably because people look at behavior and think behavior is a feeling.  If someone is ranting and raving or being a bully or abusive, that behavior is thought to be anger.  It’s not.  It’s disrespectful behavior, which can be generated by many different feelings.  Some people want to eradicate anger completely, and insist there is no such feeling, that anger is only a cover-up for hurt. 

Many people are out of touch with their feelings or afraid of them.  Anger is one of those feelings that scares people and sometimes is referred to as a “negative” emotion. Anger is a human response to being out of control, over-controlled, powerless, having a lack of control, being bossed, or not getting what one wants.  All of these relationship situations can be improved if you stop discounting the angry feeling. If you would like to understand more about your anger and what it is trying to tell you, try the following activity.  With increased understanding, you can work on behaving more respectfully to deal with your feelings.

Hold up your hands in front of you.  Imagine putting something you are angry about on each of your fingers. You don’t need to remember what is on each finger, other than the last three.  This activity helps you get to deeply buried anger issues that rise to the surface after the smaller issues get unloaded.    Some people can very quickly think of ten things they are angry at; others take longer; and for those out of touch with their feelings,  it can take even longer, but is well worth the effort.  Just be patient and encourage yourself  by knowing it is okay to take as long as you need.

Here’s an example of what one person came up with for his 10 fingers of anger:  I’m angry at my boss because he doesn’t appreciate me; I’m angry because I don’t make enough money; I’m angry because my wife is on me to help the minute I walk in the door; I’m angry because my children are spoiled and expect too much; I’m angry at my parents for not teaching me more skills when I was a kid; I’m angry because I never get to go fishing; I’m angry because when I go fishing I rarely catch any fish (this made him laugh); I’m angry at myself for not standing up for what I want; I’m angry because life isn’t turning out the way I hoped; and finally, I’m angry because I don’t see a way to make things better.

 After the activity, ask yourself what you learned from the exercise.  Take one of the last anger responses (from finger 8, 9, or 10) and explore how you handle that feeling in real time.  Do you ignore it, hold it in, explode, drown the feeling in alcohol and drugs, etc.  Any of those behavioral responses are disrespectful to yourself and others and won’t really make the anger go away.   In the example above, this guy handles his anger by giving up and blaming others for his life.

 There are many ways to deal respectfully with your anger.  One is to simply acknowledge it, saying to yourself, “I’m angry, and that’s okay to feel that way.”  Or you could say to the person you perceive to be making your life miserable, “I’m angry because__________and I wish___________. ” It’s a simple, yet effective release of anger.  Another solution is to look for choices, as anger results often from the belief that you have no choices.  If you can’t see alternatives, sometimes it’s helpful to brainstorm with someone else about choices you might have.  You can also look for small steps to get yourself moving freely again.  Although it may be hard to believe, no one is the boss of you except you, and the only person you can change is yourself! 

Back to the example.  The angry guy was shocked at how angry he was.  He never thought of himself as an angry person, just someone who was unlucky.  He decided that he would plan one thing each week that he wanted to do and then he would do it.  Surprisingly, some of the things he wanted to do were with his kids and his wife.  He told his kids he wanted to go fishing with them, and they agreed.  He told his wife he wanted to give her a night off and that he would cook dinner and clean-up.  Just from these simple steps, he started to feel better about himself and his life.  He realized for the first time that he was more in control of his life than he previously thought.  By zeroing in on his anger and acknowledging it, he was able to begin to make his life better.

The mind and body are connected.  What we think leads to what we feel, and what we feel is the energy that drives our behavior.  If we ignore any part of the human condition, we are missing out on valuable information that can move us toward a more socially interested and respectful, fulfilled life.

It’s a hot topic, right?  Don’t get stressed.  Are you stressed?  How do you feel less stress?  Reduce stress!  Live stress-free, and on and on and on.  Here’s a simple explanation of stress.  Think about it.  If you think life should be one way and it is another way, the space in between those two thoughts is called stress.  Different things stress different people and people handle stress in many different ways.  The trick to reducing stress is to narrow the space between the two lines (see video below).  That involves either changing your expectations or changing your life.  Easier said than done, but possible, and it doesn’t take a pill to do it.  What’s wrong with a pill, you ask?  Maybe nothing, but for many of us, we’d prefer to work on the deeper issues rather than medicate ourselves.  We like to know there are choices, which there are!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KA2Cfee_JPA&feature=youtube_gdata

If you’d like to know whether you are an eagle, a lion, a chameleon, or a turtle and what difference that makes, go to www.lynnlott.com and click on “Try This.”  You’ll find out all sorts of things about your personality and why you do what you do, want what you want, think what you think, and feel what you feel.  You can also click on the following link where I explain more about this personality profile game on YouTube:  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USq0wIr6NeY&feature=channel

Once you embrace the idea about personality differences or what we call top card you can stop looking at yourself and others as having disabilities, disorders, or diseases and realize that we all have differences and they make life most interesting.

I’m not sure if I’ve taken the opportunity to use my blog to whine, but that’s what I’m about to do.  If you can’t stand whiners and whining, stop reading right now.  There are times that whining is the best solution for me.  Once I finish, not only do I feel better, but I am ready for more constructive solutions.  Whining is a behavior, and all behavior has a purpose, so my purpose is to purge while informing others of a perceived hurt.

I’m going to whine about being invisible, and if you’ve ever experienced the same thing, I’m sure you’ll relate.  Sometimes I think it’s my karma to be invisible.  I can wait with others at a counter and be seemingly invisible while other people get service long before I do.  Granted, I am part chameleon, but that’s no excuse!  Not getting service is a minor irritant, however, compared to how I feel when I am invisible as an author, which happens constantly.  I like writing books with others and think that a book that two (or three) write is better than a book written by one.  I love the blending of ideas, the sharing of responsibility, the creativity that emerges from a good disagreement.  I have 18 published books and I have chosen to be a co-author in almost all of them.  That does not mean that I chose to be invisible.  So when someone refers to one of my books without referring to me, I see red, and then I feel sorry for myself.

Case in point, though this is representative of thousands of similar situations:  check out this link http://talig.blogspot.com/2009/10/positive-discipline-for-teenagers.html.  First let me say that I am thrilled and grateful that “Ramblings from the Frozen North” loves and recommends our book.  But the example is too perfect to pass up, because it’s representative of what happens when there are co-authors.  Jane Nelsen and I wrote this book together.  In fact, it was the first of many books we wrote together.  It was a collaborative process from beginning to end.  Maybe each of us could have written a book about teens without a co-author, but I sincerely doubt the book would have been as rich and helpful as this one ended up being.  And I know I wouldn’t have had as much fun.  What I don’t understand is why, when a book has two authors, only one is mentioned.  (At this point, even I’m getting sick of my own whining and thinking about hitting the delete button.)

Okay, I got that off my chest, so now it’s time for more productive solutions.  Bless her heart, Jane already commented on the website and then sent the link to me.  I commit to taking the time today to leave a comment, too.  Probably a lot more constructive than all this boo-hoo-ing.  But hey, thanks for listening!

I wonder if encouragement is on our minds because it’s Fall and the kids have gone back to school?  Whatever the reason, Jane and I want to make the art of encouragement easier for you.  Psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs said, “Children need encouragment like plants need water.”  How right he was.  Especially once school starts.  What Dreikurs didn’t say is that adults need encouragement like plants need water.  There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t worried about being good enough or simply being enough.  Encouragement is what gets us through the down times.  Listen to this discussion that Jane and I had this morning about encouragement to learn more about how important it is and how to do it.  Click on the word “Encouragement” below and then again on the next page that appears to hear our conversation.

Encouragement

living the dream in your fast food nation
giving your hard earned cash to the major corperations               
you work nine to five, just to stay alive
your life takes a dive, as the rich folks thrive
 
it’s like a giant game of monopoly
‘cept you go to jail longer and the parkings not free
rights are just privleges if they can be taken away
“freedom” doesn’t exist in the US of A
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
 
healthcare and hospitals turning people away
all because of of their inability to pay
they’ll leave you there to suffer and die
as the CEO’s joke and all the families cry
 
they kill innocent people in other countries/ overseas
to pay off and kiss ass to oil companies
for coperate funding and endorsement in the next election
man, money gives some mother fuckers a serious erection
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
  
Yes, teens are rebellious.  Yes, teens see the world in black and white.  And yes, teens can be extremely critical of their “elders.”  But this poem touched my heart and made me wonder how many teens feel so let down and disillusioned by the world they live in.  It made me want to know what teens who are this upset and discouraged might be deciding to do about this “messed up” world they live in.  Will they give up in despair, figuring it’s all too hopeless and impossible to change?  Will they strike back, causing chaos and revenge, striking out at others who they will “blame” for this state of affairs?  Will they punish themselves with drugs and alcohol, figuring the whole thing is meaningless, so why even bother?  Will they write amazing poetry and songs to alert their peers and the rest of us to this dismal view of our world, hoping to get our attention so we can do something to make things better?  What kind of encouragement do they need?

Sure, I know some of you are thinking, ”We walked to school barefoot through the snow to get to school and worked meaingless jobs for 5 cents an hour to have spending money when we were kids.  We never sassed the adults or questioned their veracity.  So why don’t these kids appreciate all they have and stop blaming and casting stones?” Personally, I think we need to listen and find ways to let them know we hear them and with their help, find ways to bridge the gap.  My hope is that they won’t give up on us or themselves, and that they’ll find ways to make positive contributions that will help our world small step by small step.

In the weeks to come, I’m going to be having conversations with the author of this poem.  If I can figure out the logistics, I’ll tape and then upload our conversations so you can listen to them if you like.  I have his permission, so all I’m missing is confidence in my own technical expertise.  Cross your fingers for me!

A group of teachers spent a day in a Positive Discipline in the Classroom  workshop.  One of the activities they did was on top card, which was an opportunity to learn more about their personality style.  (You can learn more about Top Card by reviewing previous posts or visiting www.lynnlott.com and click on Try This.)  The idea was to look at the assets of their top card in the classroom as well as their top card liabilities as teachers.  After they brainstormed these two lists, they asked people who look at the world through different filters to give them feedback about what they could work on in the classroom.  Three of the four top cards were represented in the workshop:  Control, Pleasing, and Superiority.  Here are their lists:

Control Assets:  Take charge by establishing routines and being organized; multi-taks with the ability to accomplish a lot and work with individual groups; crisis manager who can maintain order, safety and first aid; the ability to wing-it and think fast on their feet and make things up as they go; accountability; trustworthy; patient with others; able to take time for self.  Their bumper sticker might say:  But enough about me; what do you think about me?

Control Liabilities:  Invite power struggles, procrastinate by putting off correcting homework or planning; make mountains out of mole hills; get overwhelmed; judgmental and critical; not patient with selves; expect too much of selves; withdraw; catastrophize; deal with other people’s issues instead of their own; bossy; flustered when kids are off task or loud.

Suggestions from other top card personalities:  Just tell us what you want so we can figure out how to deal with you and solve the problem.   Tell us when you’re getting overwhelmed instead of acting it out.  The response was:  If only we could.

Pleasing Assets:  We make things fun and create ways for people to be involved while making learning painless; empathetic by taking time to listen and understand others’ needs and give them what they need; positivity with lots of encouragement, give hope, don’t hold grudges, and stress that everyday is a fresh start; good listeners and open minded by respecting and eliciting others’ opinions and drawing them out as well as being willing to be wrong and apologize.

Pleasing Liabilities in the classroom:  not being open and honest; holding back opinions or ideas because we want to be liked; retreating from conflict and pretending everything is fine when it’s not; focusing on pleasing the most negative person which results in taking away time and energy from well behaving students.

Suggestions from other top card personalities:  Say what’s on your mind and remember that others like you regardless of your opinions.  Be brave, take a deep breath, and say “NO.”

Superiority Assets:  We know everything; we have clear boundaries; we get everything done; we’re always revising to make things better; we’re reflective; tolerant; creative; humorous; we have high standards.

Superiority Liabilities:  sometimes we don’t hear/acknowledge others expertise; perfection; expect too much; don’t ask for help; insulting/rude; crash because we don’t take care of what we should; avoidance of uncomfortable tasks; overachieve; too much pressure on ourselves/students; intolerant of people/students who don’t push themselves or whom we perceive as “ignorant” or lazy.

Suggestions from other top cards:  Have an agreement that others can tell you when you’re playing your top card to help you be aware; use the expression, “I notice” instead of being critical or judgmental.  Make it safe for the kids to make mistakes and try again.

In this day of diagnoses, I guess I’d rate at the very least opositional defiant.  I prefer to think of myself as someone who marches to my own drummer and will only follow rules that make sense to me.  I was born upside down and backwards, and have been spending a lifetime trying to get folks to see the world from my point of view.  When I’m successful, I’m not oppositional at all. 

Many years ago our office of therapists decided to do a “ropes” course together, sometimes known as an adventure challenge course.  I couldn’t have been more excited and wanted to try everything out.  There was an activity with some sort of mesh type trampoline.  The instructions were given for all of us to line up on the side of the trampoline.  I rushed to the side as instructed, waiting for everyone else to join me, and couldn’t understand why the rest of our group (around 10 people) were all standing on the other side.   It never occured to me that I was the one who mis-heard the directions and not them.  I wasn’t trying to be opositional and actually thought I was doing as instructed, but the group was so used to me having a different point of view that, to this day, I think they still believed I was goofing off and trying to be difficult.

When I met my husband Hal, I told him that I was like a wild horse.  If someone tried to fence me in, I’d jump the fence to escape.  If they left me to my own devices, I’d be joining everyone else most of the time because it’s what I prefer.  Hal has been the best at never fencing me in.  Ahhh, how I wish I were as good at extending the kindness back to him, but alas, he’s much nicer than I am.

You may be wondering why I’m writing this and what’s my point.  Well, obviously, I may be breaking a few rules that don’t make sense to me.  The rules make so little sense, I’m not even sure what they are, but I’m intent on being my own person and doing what in my mind is the right thing.  It’s taken a lot of years, but I accept who I am and hope that my differences have added more to the world than they’ve taken away.  Or at least I’d like to think so!  And I wish for all those kids who march to their own drummer that folks stop building “fences” to hold them back and have some faith that they want to belong and contribute in spite of their difference.

I’m looking for a clever, witty answer to that question while I wonder why two complete strangers have asked it of me recently.  When I look in the mirror, I do see an older version of the person who lives inside my head…but not that old!  I must look like I’m about 90 and just don’t realize.  Otherwise, why would someone ask such a strange question of a complete stranger?  I could respond with, “Why do you ask?” or “Do I look old to you?” or “Are you kidding me,” but none of those retorts have the edge I’m looking for. 

I’m pretty sure none of my clients would ask that question.  I’m guessing they hope I’ll live to a ripe old age and continue seeing clients till they tire of me or until I can’t hear them anymore.  I love my work and enjoy helping others, so I have no plans for retirement at this time.  Actually, I have enough balance in my life and have had for years that I consider the last 20 years my retirement even though I have worked full time. 

Perhaps I’m experiencing age discrimination and am simply too dense to know it.  In the meantime, if anyone can think of a clever reply, let me know.  I’ll be too busy working to spend much time on it.