Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

This might be the first of many posts about the magic of childhood memories.  Then again, it could take another 6 months before I find the time and desire to write again.  This post is about sharing with you one of the most magical and effective tools that you have with you all the time for solving problems.  The tool is your childhood memories.  If you learn to use your memories effectively, you’ll be surprised at how much you can learn about yourself and how much they can help you get unstuck in your current life.

Here’s how it works.  Think of a problem you are currently having that you wish would get better or go away.  Now think of any childhood memory and don’t worry if the memory is related to the problem.  Trust that the first memory you think of is the one that will be filled with magical help you need.  Write down the memory, including your age at the time of the memory, how you felt when the incident happened, what you were thinking, and what you were doing at the time.  Usually what you were doing is what you still do to solve problems, even though you are probably a lot older and “wiser.”  Sometime we refer to this part of the memory as what you were deciding (even though you weren’t aware you were making any decisions at the time).  Memories that begin with, “I remember one time….” work better than memories that start with, “We always used to………..”

Here are some examples:  A woman was feeling constantly unsettled about where she lived and thought it might be time to move, even though the thought of moving was scary.  She was stuck in this emotional place for over a year.  One day she asked herself what her memory was.  Immediately, she pictured a time when she was 11 and her mother was yelling at her father asking where the check was.  He was yelling back, telling her not to be a nag and that the money would be there tomorrow.  She felt scared and worried and unhappy that her parents were fighting.  She decided that her father was right and that her mother was over-reacting and that she’d never behave like her mother.  When she examined what the memory was about, she realized that she didn’t want to live outside her means because she believed it could lead to the kind of problems her parents had.  Since she was living outside her means and raiding her savings, she decided it was time to start looking for a new place.  Though she still had moments of fear, the need to live within her means was much stronger than her worries about change and the unknown.  She felt relieved and had direction for the first time in over a year.

In another instance, a couple was arguing over redecorating their home.  The husband was a designer and felt angry that his wife didn’t take his word for what needed to be done.  She was panicked, thinking that his suggestions might not work out the way he predicted.  The argument was going in circles until she asked herself for  a childhood memory.  She remembered waiting at the mail slot in her living room watching for the mail to come.  When letters would slip through the slot, she’d see her grandmother’s familiar handwriting and be excited knowing that Grandma had sent a letter and that the letter probably contained a stick of gum.  She was 8 years old and felt anticipation and excitement.  She decided that she had to watch closely so that she didn’t miss out on her grandmother’s letters.  As she thought about the memory and how it related to her current issue, she realized that she had to see things and that all the conversations about decorating didn’t substitute for actually physically moving furniture around in different configurations so she could see how the new arrangements would look.  Her husband made the connection, too, and though he hated moving furniture around physically, he knew how important it was to his wife.  She didn’t possess his ability to “move” the pieces around in her mind the way he could.

In another instance,  a woman was struggling over vacation plans, making herself and her family crazy with all her questions and changes.  As she wondered why she was making herself so miserable, she remembered as a kid how her mother catered to her dad, giving in to him even when she didn’t agree.  She realized that she had decided that was her job, so she was catering to her husband by going along with his wishes, but then changing the plans because they didn’t match what she really wanted.  It was no wonder her husband threw up his hands and said, “You always get what you want!”  She realized that it would be okay for her to say (when it was true), “I want my way on this.”  Most of the time she didn’t have such strong feelings and was happy to do what the rest of her family wanted.  By making this change, she experienced much less stress, as did the rest of her family.

In a different case, a client came to me with anxiety attacks and in the course of her work, asked why she was having these awful attacks.  She thought of a childhood memory when she was 8 and her mother had to be hospitalized.  That was very traumatic for her, and she didn’t know why her mom was in the hospital or if and when she’d be coming home.  She decided she couldn’t handle things on her own and was  a lost soul without her mother.  It may seem like a stretch, but with help she realized that she gets into situations with her own children where she feels over her head and her “eight-year-old” who lives inside her is suddenly in charge.  This is terrifying, especially if she’s driving her car with the kids in the backseat.  Even though she’s behind the wheel, her “eight-year-old” is calling the shots, and she’s not even old enough or tall enough to drive.  No wonder she’s filled with anxiety.  Since she had this ah hah, she’s been imagining comforting that little kid within, letting her know that she won’t let her down and that she’ll be there through the tough times and together they’ll work it out.  It’s helping!

This may all seem overly-simplistic or too confusing, but don’t give up.  What is required is making that leap of faith that your memories are more than the stories of your past.  They are also metaphors of how you think, feel, and solve problems today.  The more you work with them, the better you’ll get at unlocking the clues and using them to solve problems.

Sorry if I’m being repetitive, (but not that sorry!)  I am so annoyed by conversations and lists in books that label feelings as negative and positive.  It’s time to rewrite this fallacy.  Feelings are simply feelings.  They won’t kill you.   They come and they go.  They are like the warning lights on the dashboard of your car–here to give you valuable information about your thoughts and your actions or possible actions.   Some feelings may be more uncomfortable or unfamiliar than others, but they are not your enemy.  You can learn from them.

One of the feelings that has gotten the worst rap is anger.  That’s probably because people look at behavior and think behavior is a feeling.  If someone is ranting and raving or being a bully or abusive, that behavior is thought to be anger.  It’s not.  It’s disrespectful behavior, which can be generated by many different feelings.  Some people want to eradicate anger completely, and insist there is no such feeling, that anger is only a cover-up for hurt. 

Many people are out of touch with their feelings or afraid of them.  Anger is one of those feelings that scares people and sometimes is referred to as a “negative” emotion. Anger is a human response to being out of control, over-controlled, powerless, having a lack of control, being bossed, or not getting what one wants.  All of these relationship situations can be improved if you stop discounting the angry feeling. If you would like to understand more about your anger and what it is trying to tell you, try the following activity.  With increased understanding, you can work on behaving more respectfully to deal with your feelings.

Hold up your hands in front of you.  Imagine putting something you are angry about on each of your fingers. You don’t need to remember what is on each finger, other than the last three.  This activity helps you get to deeply buried anger issues that rise to the surface after the smaller issues get unloaded.    Some people can very quickly think of ten things they are angry at; others take longer; and for those out of touch with their feelings,  it can take even longer, but is well worth the effort.  Just be patient and encourage yourself  by knowing it is okay to take as long as you need.

Here’s an example of what one person came up with for his 10 fingers of anger:  I’m angry at my boss because he doesn’t appreciate me; I’m angry because I don’t make enough money; I’m angry because my wife is on me to help the minute I walk in the door; I’m angry because my children are spoiled and expect too much; I’m angry at my parents for not teaching me more skills when I was a kid; I’m angry because I never get to go fishing; I’m angry because when I go fishing I rarely catch any fish (this made him laugh); I’m angry at myself for not standing up for what I want; I’m angry because life isn’t turning out the way I hoped; and finally, I’m angry because I don’t see a way to make things better.

 After the activity, ask yourself what you learned from the exercise.  Take one of the last anger responses (from finger 8, 9, or 10) and explore how you handle that feeling in real time.  Do you ignore it, hold it in, explode, drown the feeling in alcohol and drugs, etc.  Any of those behavioral responses are disrespectful to yourself and others and won’t really make the anger go away.   In the example above, this guy handles his anger by giving up and blaming others for his life.

 There are many ways to deal respectfully with your anger.  One is to simply acknowledge it, saying to yourself, “I’m angry, and that’s okay to feel that way.”  Or you could say to the person you perceive to be making your life miserable, “I’m angry because__________and I wish___________. ” It’s a simple, yet effective release of anger.  Another solution is to look for choices, as anger results often from the belief that you have no choices.  If you can’t see alternatives, sometimes it’s helpful to brainstorm with someone else about choices you might have.  You can also look for small steps to get yourself moving freely again.  Although it may be hard to believe, no one is the boss of you except you, and the only person you can change is yourself! 

Back to the example.  The angry guy was shocked at how angry he was.  He never thought of himself as an angry person, just someone who was unlucky.  He decided that he would plan one thing each week that he wanted to do and then he would do it.  Surprisingly, some of the things he wanted to do were with his kids and his wife.  He told his kids he wanted to go fishing with them, and they agreed.  He told his wife he wanted to give her a night off and that he would cook dinner and clean-up.  Just from these simple steps, he started to feel better about himself and his life.  He realized for the first time that he was more in control of his life than he previously thought.  By zeroing in on his anger and acknowledging it, he was able to begin to make his life better.

The mind and body are connected.  What we think leads to what we feel, and what we feel is the energy that drives our behavior.  If we ignore any part of the human condition, we are missing out on valuable information that can move us toward a more socially interested and respectful, fulfilled life.

 A client came to see me because he was experiencing what he called “a nervous breakdown.”  We talked about what had triggered his panicked feelings and about his unmet expectations of himself and others and how the difference between his beliefs about how life should be and how life was were tearing him apart.  He has always looked at depression as a biological event, but after our work together and his processing it, he’s came to find the power of his internal belief system and noticed the problems his old thinking caused. 

 I asked if I could publish his conclusions in my blog as I think what he came to could help others.  He agreed saying, “You may definitely use it if you think it will be helpful; after all, it’s just a reflection of your great work.”  What a charmer!

 These days it’s too easy to look at problems in life as an illness with a corresponding pill to correct things.  But the insight work this client did with his list of suggestions to himself will serve him well and get his life back.  He’s gone the anti-depressant route for years without ever working on his deeper issues, so nothing really changed.  If he reminds himself of his 4 conclusions and practices them, I expect that he’ll experience lasting change and a richer life.  I hope blog readers can benefit from his work, too.

 “Thanks Lynn.  As you might expect, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and what I’ve been going through and trying to make sense of it.  I wanted to share my thinking with you to see if you think I’m on the right track.  I’m a bit desperate to make conclusions/meanings, but don’t want to replace old bad conceptions with new bad ones.  Here’s my current thinking:

 1.  Accept myself for who I am.  I have been feeling like I can’t be successful while still being me, because I am not good enough.  This has led me to push myself beyond my limits to be something I am not and has totally stressed me out.  If I can be aware of this underlying insecurity and calm my inner critic, I think that might be a good direction to start with.

 2.  Establish healthy boundaries.  This seems like the practical implementation of accepting myself, i.e. by asking for what I want/need and saying no to what I am not comfortable with, I can protect myself from unduly stressful situations.  I really see now how I routinely give up my boundaries because I want so badly to be accepted.

 3.  Resist obsessive thinking.  I never really realized it before, but if I look back on my life, I have always obsessed on some external desire as the basis of my happiness: success in sports, drugs, girlfriends, school, nature, and now work.  Just living in the moment and putting one foot in front of the other is really hard for me, but the obsessing has always deprived me of the real joys in life: family, friendships, and simple appreciations.”

 4.  Resist grandiose and catastrophic thinking.  I honestly have felt it is my duty to save the world from itself, and that I could be some kind of pivotal hero (like John Muir or Aldo Leopold).  When reality hits me, I fall flat on my face and feel like a worthless piece of shit.  And, as you noted, make great big meanings out of isolated events (e.g. I failed a test, therefore I will never amount to anything).  I think this more than anything is what I am going through when I feel “depressed”.  Monitoring my thought processes, and stopping myself was a good suggestion.”

I love this quote and it reminds me of an attitude that I wish parents could adopt when raising teens.  “Biology gives you a brain.  Life turns it into a mind.” (p. 479, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, Picador, 2002.) 

It’s hard to trust that teens will learn and grow from their experiences.  What teens do is often frightening to parents and adults, and they probably only know about a quarter of what is really going on.  I remember doing a workshop for a large group of parents of teens and asked them what they did when they were teens that they hid from their parents.  Many of them climbed out windows in the middle of the night to meet friends, “borrow” the family car, or simply roam around the town.  There was a lot of cow tipping and other acts of mischief, and certainly a fair amount of drug and alcohol abuse and sexual experimentation.  

Often my work with adult clients takes us back to their teen years where I hear stories that would have made my hair curl had I been their parent.  Recently, I asked one such client what he would say to a teen if he had one now, and the following is what he told me.  I thought it was wise and kind and respectful and helpful, yet most of the parents of teens I work with would never consider saying such a thing.  They would prefer to believe that they can micro-manage and control their teens and maintain an illusion of control that they rarely have.

 To my teen, if I had one:  “I will always be your parent but that does not mean I have control over your decisions. In fact I know that I have no control over your decisions and that you are going to do whatever you chose to do despite what I tell you, good or bad. I will always try to be there to offer support, to help guide you through your decisions and to give you my own personal perspective on what is right and wrong but ultimately it is your life to live, not mine. You have the power to make your own decisions and so will YOU have the responsibility of living with the consequences of those decisions, good and bad, not me. Very soon you will be an adult and the weight of that responsibility will be all your own, not mine. I will go on making my own choices for my own life and I will not be defined or dictated by the choices you will make in yours. In the end, I will one day be gone, and when you look back on your life you will either have the pleasure of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices or the anguish of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices.”

 Kyle also sent this with permission for me to publish it on my blog with his name attached. 

 A Walk On the Side of My Youth  by Kyle Gentry Kushner

I can smell the innocence in the air…

Before a face worn

I walked the streets of my youth

We drew a line where the sidewalks would end

We drew a line where youth would begin

In the twinkling night we’d see stars fall

and the lights from the cars trail by

Through the alleys we’d roam enhancing our minds

Free, under a twilight sky
Now night falls

As I still walk

Listening to the voices of my past

The friends I once knew

and these sidewalks that grew

Would take our innocence too fast

On 6/4/09 seventeen year old Dylan and I began an experiment.  I had an idea that some of my clients might be willing to give permission for others to listen in on our sessions.  My thinking was that since so many things that happen in a session are issues lots of people have, sharing the sessions might be a way of helping others who weren’t in therapy. 

After speaking with Dylan’s mom about this project, she suggested I ask Dylan if he would be willing to help me as I learned how to record sessions and upload them to my blog.  Dylan said he would like to do that and was fully aware that the sessions we did together would be made public.  He was comfortable with that and gave his full permission (as did his mom).  Dylan’s willingness to help outshone my ability to accomplish the technical part of this transaction.  It’s now November and I’m finally ready to post our sessions to my blog.  What we’re ending up with are 4 sessions, one of which I summarize because it didn’t get recorded due to my technological inexperience.

 Both the sessions and the technical parts have been a big challenge for me.  There are clients with whom I work fluidly and success starts right in the first few interactions I have with them.  There are other clients who, for any variety of reasons, are a tougher sell.  Dylan fell into that category, so the progress was so tiny that there were times it was barely observable.  Sometimes it seemed that Dylan was as resistant to therapy as I was to learning the technical aspects of the project.    

 Even though the sessions don’t represent a typical experience in therapy, over the years I’ve come to trust the process of therapy, knowing that people do get something from the experience that is positive and life changing for them, even if it’s not always exactly what I had in mind.  My hope is that Dylan will experience the positives and that you as a listener will learn something helpful, too.

There are days that I question if it’s worth my effort to write a blog since it seems to be a spam magnet.  Wading through mountains of spam looking for legitimate comments leaves me feeling discouraged and dirty.  But every now and then someone comments about how much the blog is helping them, and I know it’s worth it.  Some of these comments come directly to me instead of getting posted on the blog.  I’ve saved a few and refer to them now.

The parent of the child I spoke about in the attachment parenting gone wrong piece wrote:  “First, GREAT blog post on (my) attachment parenting. [I sort of goofed] and I’m gonna turn it around and really work on empowering [my kid] so that she has the tools she needs to become a courageous and confident kid. Thanks for opening the window shades for me on that one.”

Later she wrote:  “I just want to bring you up to date on my kid: she’s been sleeping on her own at her Dad’s because as expected, he’s sticking to his guns by not letting her sleep in the same bed as him even for that “couple minutes” until she falls asleep. She’s been sleeping on the floor next to him in a sleeping bag. Every night she’s been at his place she’s called me by 8:30 (bedtime) crying, saying she misses me, and we talk through her fears and why she’s crying.  Well, yesterday afternoon I reminded her she’d be with Dad that night, and asked if there was anything special from my place she wanted to take for bedtime; she thought about it and decided on one of her favorite dolls. It was about 8:30 and I hadn’t heard from her and was glad….I decided to call over there and ended up just leaving a message because I really wanted to tell her that “I know you can do it” and “I have all the confidence in the world in you!” — after reading your blog post I knew that what I needed to do was encourage her so that she can start building her courageous muscle.  Well, this morning I received a call from her — “I”m returning your call from last night Mommy, and wanted to tell you that I did it! I slept on my own all night and didn’t even cry”.  I’m so proud of her!!”

The other day I got this about the podcast on attachment parenting that Jane Nelsen and I did.  “Finally got a chance to listen to the audio recording between you and Jane on attachment parenting. I loved it, what another eye opener for me. The truth is I’ve been doing certain things all these years and having no idea the impact I’m having. Thank you so much for this Lynn, I can’t even tell you. And thanks to Jane too. The tips at the end are great, what a great ending point for this recording, so you don’t leave us helpless with no information on how to turn it around and back on track. It’s just wonderful, powerful, I’m so grateful.

I hope you two do more of these…I hope the attachment parenting one is the beginning of many. It was such a natural recording between the two of you, citing Adlerian philosophies, your questions to her and her answers, your agreement on what each other was saying, and expanding on ideas you each had.  SO COOL!”

If you were a mouse in the corner of my office, here’s something you might see and hear on a typical day.  Since a typical day is about 7 hours and every client is different, you’ll have to use your imagination or wait for updates for more client stories.

The first client I’m writing about is the poster child for what happens when parents take the popular notions about attachment too seriously.  The attachment parenting I’m referring to is very different from the basic concept of the therapy I practice which accepts that the two most important needs humans have is to belong and to feel significant.  The first place humans feel love and attachment is in their family of origin.  I am not suggesting that feeling attached (belonging) and loved (significance) is unimportant.  I am concerned about the wave of parenting advice that encourages parents to never let their child our of their sight, to make sure they never feel sadness, pain, etc., and that it is the parent’s job to do whatever is necessary to make the child feel secure and loved.  There are a few flaws in this theory.  I’ll touch on a couple. 

 First, children are always making decisions about what is happening to them.  They think and decide even before they have language, and they may not be deciding what the parent is thinking they are deciding.  All that contact and attention might be inviting the child to think, “I can’t handle things myself and need someone to intervene for me,” or “I’m not capable.”  In addition to that, children need to feel their feelings—all of them, and then get help from their parents about constructive and respectful ways to deal with their feelings.  There’s nothing wrong with feelings.  The problem is usually the behavioral solutions that follow feelings.  Starting children out from birth with the notion that half of their feelings are inappropriate or dangerous is a sure fire way to limit their ability to solve problems or role with life’s ups and downs as they grow up. 

 You’ll see the result of this style of parenting when you hear about my client, a nine year old who has been sent by her single parent with the following instructions (my words, not mom’s).  “Lynn, can you fix the following?  I’m worried about my daughter and want her to be less anxious and happier.  Here are some of the problems:  she won’t let me out of her sight; she sleeps in my bed and won’t sleep in her own room; she follows me everywhere; she cries often because she’s worried the people she loves might die; and she cried most of the night when she stayed with a relative.” 

 I’m expecting a frail, pathetic kid to show up at my door, but instead, in walks an adorable, cheery kid who has agreed to see me because it’s important to her parent.  I start by telling her that Mom is worried about her and that she wrote me a letter with her concerns.  My client asks me to tell her what Mom wrote, so one by one we go through the concerns.  She explains that Mom doesn’t have it quite right and goes on to clarify that her biggest concern is that someone might break into the house and kidnap her like what happened in her community many years ago to Polly Klaus.  That’s why she didn’t want to sleep at her relative’s house, because the guest room was next to the front door.  That’s why she follows her mom everywhere.  She’s not afraid about her Mom getting hurt; she’s worried that if her Mom is in a different part of the house or outside, the bad guy can come and get her and no one will be there to help her.  She’s taken a martial arts class, but she’s sure she’s not strong enough to really fight off an intruder.  She lives in constant fear of being abducted.

 As she’s talking, I’m thinking that as tough and strong as this kid looks, she’s short on confidence.  She’s smart and thoughtful and extremely verbal, but she lacks courage.  Could this be because she’s been completely over-protected all of her life?  That would be  my guess.  Courage is a muscle that needs to be exercised, and it needs a parent’s help.  I make a mental note to talk to Mom to find out what her beliefs are and why she is so worried about her daughter and so protective.  But in the meantime, I’ve got to work with who’s in front of me.  Hopefully, she’ll be easier to empower than her mom.

 Usually the big issues change with small steps, so that’s where we begin.  I tell her about my fears about my kids when they were off on their big adventures around the world river rafting and traveling through third world countries.  I didn’t want to put bad energy into their paths by thinking negatively, so I figured out that I could imagine throwing a golden net over them that would keep them safe.  I told her that so far this imaginary net has kept my kids safe for over fifteen years, and that it’s amazing how powerful our imagination can be.  I suggested that she might think of something to keep her safe. 

 She countered with a sigh of relief and a big grin and told me that she did that a few days ago.  She had taken a field trip to the Science Academy and seen the albino alligator.  She figured out that she could create a crew of albino alligators who in her imagination would surround her bed.  They wouldn’t hurt her, just attack unfamiliar intruders.  I congratulated her for being so clever and told her I was sure that those alligators would work as well or better than my golden net.  She seemed relieved.  

 My imaginary golden net is what keeps me sane.  My kids are safe and strong because of the millions of opportunities they’ve had from birth on to make small mistakes and learn from them and to have room to try things out and build their courage muscle.  Now my client has just made her first decision about self-care instead of hoping someone could fix things for her.  Her albino alligators are her first steps to empowerment.

 Next, she told me that her mom won’t let her have a sleepover with a friend until she can sleep in her own bed.  I asked if it was okay if I disagreed with her mom about that and she said it was fine (another empowerment step).  So I suggested that courage was a muscle, and if she was willing to sleep at a friends, that would exercise her courage and she could worry about getting out of her mom’s bed at another time.  I told her I’d mention this to her mom if it was okay with her and she gave me permission to talk to her mom. 

 What came out next was that her mom wouldn’t redecorate her room (something we had talked about almost a year ago) until she got out of her mom’s bed.  Again, I said I disagreed and she was anxious to hear my opinion.  I explained that I believe very strongly that all kids should be able to pick out the color their rooms are painted and decide within reason what to put up on their walls.  Since a person’s room was something used all day long, it didn’t matter where they slept during the night.  I suggested the redecorating start immediately, and again, with her permission, I told her I’d talk this over with her mom.  My thinking is that as she is able to make more decisions about the small things that affect her life, the more she’ll build her confidence.

We also talked about how she controls and manipulates her mom by crying or being scared and how her mom won’t follow through on her threats to get her out of mom’s bed if she cries.  She knows this, but it helps to verbalize it and let her know she’s “the mom” when it comes to this decision.  She’s not comfortable with that, so maybe that awareness will help her move forward; maybe not.  Step by step.

 Later I spoke to her mom who thought that withholding the overnights and redecorating would help her daughter take the step to sleep in her own room.  I suggested that since she’s been trying that for a year with no results, it might be a time to shift gears and move into plan B.  It will be a lot easier to send her daughter off on a sleepover or repaint her room and let her daughter start making decisions about color and wall art, than to get her daughter out of her bed.

Years ago someone asked me, “If your partner never changed from how he is today, would you want to spend the rest of your life with him?”  At the time I heard this question, I protested about the question rather than answering it.  I justified the answer and the question, just as I did my relationship. 

After spending 22 years in a second marriage, if you asked me that question today, I wouldn’t hesitate answering it.  Of course I would want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, and if there is such a thing as future lives, I’d be just fine spending those with him, too.

Hardly a day goes by that someone doesn’t ask me the question, “How do I know if it’s time to leave my relationship?”  It’s as difficult a decision for them as it was for me.  I’d say that the struggle is necessary to learn about yourself and what it means to you to feel and show love.  There are no easy answers.

This helped me.  If 75% of your time is awful and 25% is good, that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship.  If you can flip that around and notice that 75% of your time together is great and that there are struggles 25% of the time, you have a better chance of being in the right relationship.  It also helped me to listen to my feelings instead of my head.  My head was filled with logic about why it was the good and right thing to do to stay.  My heart and my gut and other ideas.  When I started listening to them, the information I got was important, yet scary.

It takes courage to be a human being, and it took courage and a leap of faith for me to make the decision to stay or to leave.  If you are in this struggle, listen to your feelings and trust that there is life after divorce.

I’m looking for a clever, witty answer to that question while I wonder why two complete strangers have asked it of me recently.  When I look in the mirror, I do see an older version of the person who lives inside my head…but not that old!  I must look like I’m about 90 and just don’t realize.  Otherwise, why would someone ask such a strange question of a complete stranger?  I could respond with, “Why do you ask?” or “Do I look old to you?” or “Are you kidding me,” but none of those retorts have the edge I’m looking for. 

I’m pretty sure none of my clients would ask that question.  I’m guessing they hope I’ll live to a ripe old age and continue seeing clients till they tire of me or until I can’t hear them anymore.  I love my work and enjoy helping others, so I have no plans for retirement at this time.  Actually, I have enough balance in my life and have had for years that I consider the last 20 years my retirement even though I have worked full time. 

Perhaps I’m experiencing age discrimination and am simply too dense to know it.  In the meantime, if anyone can think of a clever reply, let me know.  I’ll be too busy working to spend much time on it.

Kara and I review information on what it’s like to have a Pleasing Top Card.  You can learn more about your top card by going to www.lynnlott.com and clicking on “try this.”  Kara talks about her discouragement with her teachers and her efforts to solve problems when someone doesn’t treat her nicely.  Like many others, Kara leaves, thus digging a hole for herself that gets harder and harder to climb out of.    Kara reminds us that when kids misbehave, they are discouraged and the adult who understands the discouragement is the person who will make the biggest difference.  When adults react to discouraged behavior, they tend to make the problem bigger.  When they are pro-active, they help the misbehaving person belong and be significant in socially acceptable ways.    Kara wants adults to understand that discouraged kids aren’t bad kids; they simply act out and behave in ways that create problems.  For more information on mistaken goals, check out Do It Yourself Therapy at www.amazon.com.