Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

I couldn’t be more excited to share an article with you written for Esquire magazine comparing Barack Obama’s leadership style to Positive Discipline.  Here’s the link:  http://www.esquire.com/features/people-who-matter-2010/barack-obama-father-0210.  The author’s name is Tom Junod, and oh, to have his gifts as a writer.  I love when someone else says what I think better than I could.  I’ve been studying, teaching, writing about, lecturing, and living Positive Discipline for 40 years.  I’m happy to see it get this kind of press.  Regardless of your political leanings, I hope you can share my joy at having someone toot our horn!

I love this quote and it reminds me of an attitude that I wish parents could adopt when raising teens.  “Biology gives you a brain.  Life turns it into a mind.” (p. 479, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, Picador, 2002.) 

It’s hard to trust that teens will learn and grow from their experiences.  What teens do is often frightening to parents and adults, and they probably only know about a quarter of what is really going on.  I remember doing a workshop for a large group of parents of teens and asked them what they did when they were teens that they hid from their parents.  Many of them climbed out windows in the middle of the night to meet friends, “borrow” the family car, or simply roam around the town.  There was a lot of cow tipping and other acts of mischief, and certainly a fair amount of drug and alcohol abuse and sexual experimentation.  

Often my work with adult clients takes us back to their teen years where I hear stories that would have made my hair curl had I been their parent.  Recently, I asked one such client what he would say to a teen if he had one now, and the following is what he told me.  I thought it was wise and kind and respectful and helpful, yet most of the parents of teens I work with would never consider saying such a thing.  They would prefer to believe that they can micro-manage and control their teens and maintain an illusion of control that they rarely have.

 To my teen, if I had one:  “I will always be your parent but that does not mean I have control over your decisions. In fact I know that I have no control over your decisions and that you are going to do whatever you chose to do despite what I tell you, good or bad. I will always try to be there to offer support, to help guide you through your decisions and to give you my own personal perspective on what is right and wrong but ultimately it is your life to live, not mine. You have the power to make your own decisions and so will YOU have the responsibility of living with the consequences of those decisions, good and bad, not me. Very soon you will be an adult and the weight of that responsibility will be all your own, not mine. I will go on making my own choices for my own life and I will not be defined or dictated by the choices you will make in yours. In the end, I will one day be gone, and when you look back on your life you will either have the pleasure of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices or the anguish of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices.”

 Kyle also sent this with permission for me to publish it on my blog with his name attached. 

 A Walk On the Side of My Youth  by Kyle Gentry Kushner

I can smell the innocence in the air…

Before a face worn

I walked the streets of my youth

We drew a line where the sidewalks would end

We drew a line where youth would begin

In the twinkling night we’d see stars fall

and the lights from the cars trail by

Through the alleys we’d roam enhancing our minds

Free, under a twilight sky
Now night falls

As I still walk

Listening to the voices of my past

The friends I once knew

and these sidewalks that grew

Would take our innocence too fast

There are days that I question if it’s worth my effort to write a blog since it seems to be a spam magnet.  Wading through mountains of spam looking for legitimate comments leaves me feeling discouraged and dirty.  But every now and then someone comments about how much the blog is helping them, and I know it’s worth it.  Some of these comments come directly to me instead of getting posted on the blog.  I’ve saved a few and refer to them now.

The parent of the child I spoke about in the attachment parenting gone wrong piece wrote:  “First, GREAT blog post on (my) attachment parenting. [I sort of goofed] and I’m gonna turn it around and really work on empowering [my kid] so that she has the tools she needs to become a courageous and confident kid. Thanks for opening the window shades for me on that one.”

Later she wrote:  “I just want to bring you up to date on my kid: she’s been sleeping on her own at her Dad’s because as expected, he’s sticking to his guns by not letting her sleep in the same bed as him even for that “couple minutes” until she falls asleep. She’s been sleeping on the floor next to him in a sleeping bag. Every night she’s been at his place she’s called me by 8:30 (bedtime) crying, saying she misses me, and we talk through her fears and why she’s crying.  Well, yesterday afternoon I reminded her she’d be with Dad that night, and asked if there was anything special from my place she wanted to take for bedtime; she thought about it and decided on one of her favorite dolls. It was about 8:30 and I hadn’t heard from her and was glad….I decided to call over there and ended up just leaving a message because I really wanted to tell her that “I know you can do it” and “I have all the confidence in the world in you!” — after reading your blog post I knew that what I needed to do was encourage her so that she can start building her courageous muscle.  Well, this morning I received a call from her — “I”m returning your call from last night Mommy, and wanted to tell you that I did it! I slept on my own all night and didn’t even cry”.  I’m so proud of her!!”

The other day I got this about the podcast on attachment parenting that Jane Nelsen and I did.  “Finally got a chance to listen to the audio recording between you and Jane on attachment parenting. I loved it, what another eye opener for me. The truth is I’ve been doing certain things all these years and having no idea the impact I’m having. Thank you so much for this Lynn, I can’t even tell you. And thanks to Jane too. The tips at the end are great, what a great ending point for this recording, so you don’t leave us helpless with no information on how to turn it around and back on track. It’s just wonderful, powerful, I’m so grateful.

I hope you two do more of these…I hope the attachment parenting one is the beginning of many. It was such a natural recording between the two of you, citing Adlerian philosophies, your questions to her and her answers, your agreement on what each other was saying, and expanding on ideas you each had.  SO COOL!”

Jane Nelsen,parenting guru, and I have written a lot of books together and enjoy working on projects together.  This may be the beginning of something new or the one and only time we record a casual conversation together about our views on issues, clients, and parenting.  I’ve been learning how to use Skype and Pamela for Skype so that I can record some of my therapy sessions and upload them to the web.  The going is slow, but very exciting.  (Wish I were a kid again growing up with all this electronic stuff being a normal part of my life instead of having to try to learn at this age.)  I asked Jane if she’d experiment with me so we could talk about attachment parenting.  If my limited technological skill works, you can listen to our discussion.

Jane Nelson&Lynn Lott on Attachment Parenting

If you were a mouse in the corner of my office, here’s something you might see and hear on a typical day.  Since a typical day is about 7 hours and every client is different, you’ll have to use your imagination or wait for updates for more client stories.

The first client I’m writing about is the poster child for what happens when parents take the popular notions about attachment too seriously.  The attachment parenting I’m referring to is very different from the basic concept of the therapy I practice which accepts that the two most important needs humans have is to belong and to feel significant.  The first place humans feel love and attachment is in their family of origin.  I am not suggesting that feeling attached (belonging) and loved (significance) is unimportant.  I am concerned about the wave of parenting advice that encourages parents to never let their child our of their sight, to make sure they never feel sadness, pain, etc., and that it is the parent’s job to do whatever is necessary to make the child feel secure and loved.  There are a few flaws in this theory.  I’ll touch on a couple. 

 First, children are always making decisions about what is happening to them.  They think and decide even before they have language, and they may not be deciding what the parent is thinking they are deciding.  All that contact and attention might be inviting the child to think, “I can’t handle things myself and need someone to intervene for me,” or “I’m not capable.”  In addition to that, children need to feel their feelings—all of them, and then get help from their parents about constructive and respectful ways to deal with their feelings.  There’s nothing wrong with feelings.  The problem is usually the behavioral solutions that follow feelings.  Starting children out from birth with the notion that half of their feelings are inappropriate or dangerous is a sure fire way to limit their ability to solve problems or role with life’s ups and downs as they grow up. 

 You’ll see the result of this style of parenting when you hear about my client, a nine year old who has been sent by her single parent with the following instructions (my words, not mom’s).  “Lynn, can you fix the following?  I’m worried about my daughter and want her to be less anxious and happier.  Here are some of the problems:  she won’t let me out of her sight; she sleeps in my bed and won’t sleep in her own room; she follows me everywhere; she cries often because she’s worried the people she loves might die; and she cried most of the night when she stayed with a relative.” 

 I’m expecting a frail, pathetic kid to show up at my door, but instead, in walks an adorable, cheery kid who has agreed to see me because it’s important to her parent.  I start by telling her that Mom is worried about her and that she wrote me a letter with her concerns.  My client asks me to tell her what Mom wrote, so one by one we go through the concerns.  She explains that Mom doesn’t have it quite right and goes on to clarify that her biggest concern is that someone might break into the house and kidnap her like what happened in her community many years ago to Polly Klaus.  That’s why she didn’t want to sleep at her relative’s house, because the guest room was next to the front door.  That’s why she follows her mom everywhere.  She’s not afraid about her Mom getting hurt; she’s worried that if her Mom is in a different part of the house or outside, the bad guy can come and get her and no one will be there to help her.  She’s taken a martial arts class, but she’s sure she’s not strong enough to really fight off an intruder.  She lives in constant fear of being abducted.

 As she’s talking, I’m thinking that as tough and strong as this kid looks, she’s short on confidence.  She’s smart and thoughtful and extremely verbal, but she lacks courage.  Could this be because she’s been completely over-protected all of her life?  That would be  my guess.  Courage is a muscle that needs to be exercised, and it needs a parent’s help.  I make a mental note to talk to Mom to find out what her beliefs are and why she is so worried about her daughter and so protective.  But in the meantime, I’ve got to work with who’s in front of me.  Hopefully, she’ll be easier to empower than her mom.

 Usually the big issues change with small steps, so that’s where we begin.  I tell her about my fears about my kids when they were off on their big adventures around the world river rafting and traveling through third world countries.  I didn’t want to put bad energy into their paths by thinking negatively, so I figured out that I could imagine throwing a golden net over them that would keep them safe.  I told her that so far this imaginary net has kept my kids safe for over fifteen years, and that it’s amazing how powerful our imagination can be.  I suggested that she might think of something to keep her safe. 

 She countered with a sigh of relief and a big grin and told me that she did that a few days ago.  She had taken a field trip to the Science Academy and seen the albino alligator.  She figured out that she could create a crew of albino alligators who in her imagination would surround her bed.  They wouldn’t hurt her, just attack unfamiliar intruders.  I congratulated her for being so clever and told her I was sure that those alligators would work as well or better than my golden net.  She seemed relieved.  

 My imaginary golden net is what keeps me sane.  My kids are safe and strong because of the millions of opportunities they’ve had from birth on to make small mistakes and learn from them and to have room to try things out and build their courage muscle.  Now my client has just made her first decision about self-care instead of hoping someone could fix things for her.  Her albino alligators are her first steps to empowerment.

 Next, she told me that her mom won’t let her have a sleepover with a friend until she can sleep in her own bed.  I asked if it was okay if I disagreed with her mom about that and she said it was fine (another empowerment step).  So I suggested that courage was a muscle, and if she was willing to sleep at a friends, that would exercise her courage and she could worry about getting out of her mom’s bed at another time.  I told her I’d mention this to her mom if it was okay with her and she gave me permission to talk to her mom. 

 What came out next was that her mom wouldn’t redecorate her room (something we had talked about almost a year ago) until she got out of her mom’s bed.  Again, I said I disagreed and she was anxious to hear my opinion.  I explained that I believe very strongly that all kids should be able to pick out the color their rooms are painted and decide within reason what to put up on their walls.  Since a person’s room was something used all day long, it didn’t matter where they slept during the night.  I suggested the redecorating start immediately, and again, with her permission, I told her I’d talk this over with her mom.  My thinking is that as she is able to make more decisions about the small things that affect her life, the more she’ll build her confidence.

We also talked about how she controls and manipulates her mom by crying or being scared and how her mom won’t follow through on her threats to get her out of mom’s bed if she cries.  She knows this, but it helps to verbalize it and let her know she’s “the mom” when it comes to this decision.  She’s not comfortable with that, so maybe that awareness will help her move forward; maybe not.  Step by step.

 Later I spoke to her mom who thought that withholding the overnights and redecorating would help her daughter take the step to sleep in her own room.  I suggested that since she’s been trying that for a year with no results, it might be a time to shift gears and move into plan B.  It will be a lot easier to send her daughter off on a sleepover or repaint her room and let her daughter start making decisions about color and wall art, than to get her daughter out of her bed.

I think I’m clear, but obviously, I’m not as clear as I think I am.  I’ve been making some assumptions.  When I say “parent” or “teacher”, I am sure the listener knows I’m talking about leadership, though I may not use that word.  When I talk about parenting styles or classroom management, I’m sure the listener knows that I’m talking about the leader in the family or the classroom.  You can imagine my surprise when I heard from two parents who have been working diligently with me to implement Positive Discipline, that they had no idea I was referring to leadership.  So let me make it perfectly clear as to what I think:  if you are the teacher, you are the leader in your classroom.  If you are a parent, you are the leader in your family. 

As a leader, I encourage you to be both kind and firm rather than a dictator or a pushover.  I hope that you have more maturity than your kids and aren’t afraid to set the parameters in the family while leaving room for flexibility and learning from your kids.  I expect you to think long and hard about your goals as a classroom leader and/or family leader and constantly question whether your methods are moving things in the direction you want.  My wish is that you will never use punishment or criticism or shaming or blaming to help young people grow into empowered, encouraged, capable, resilient, responsible, loving beings.  Naturally, I encourage you to read any and all of the Positive Discipline books to accomplish this if you need some help.

A kind and firm leader knows how to listen for feelings, offer choices, use family and class meetings to involve kids in decision making.  A kind and firm leader isn’t afraid to say, “No,” or “I understand how you feel, but it’s time for…”  The suggestions are too many for this blog, but if you are curious, go to my website, www.lynnlott.com and check out the list of books available.  I have excerpts from all of them to give you a taste of what you might learn by reading them.

I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, as you read my books, you’ll actually find the word “leader” somewhere within.  If you don’t, throw another egg on my face!

Since I’m on the parenting track this morning, here’s another little story I found in my files that I still love and hope you will, too.  It’s not easy to let go.  It requires a lot of courage and faith and even a bit of patience.  But the benefits are great for everyone.

“The first time my son wanted to climb to the top of the slide was the first time I remember experiencing the feeling of letting go.  He was ready, but I was not.  He was a careful kid who didn’t try things unless he thought he could do them.  I remembered Dreikur’s words, “A bruised knee can mend, but bruised courage lasts a lifetime.”  I took a deep breath and moved away from the slide—far enough to give him a sense of confidence and close enough to grab onto him if he fell.  Of course he did just fine, and so did I. 

That event wasn’t any easier than the time he was late for school and I hid in the bushes while he walked crying into the building, or the time he was ready to cross the alley without my help and I hid behind the plants watching from a safe distance, ready to leap in front of him if a car should happen along.  As he got older the letting go opportunities multiplied along with his courage and self-confidence and my faith that he would grow to be an old man. Of course I did create an imaginary golden net to protect him when I wasn’t nearby, and so far it’s working just fine!”

I was browsing through Positive Discipline A-Z, a book I wrote with Jane Nelsen and Steve Glenn, when I came across this story.  My grandson is now 5 and much more sophisticated, but the story still makes me laugh.  For those of you who are struggling with “bad language” with your toddlers, you might find a bit of help or at least a chuckle.

“When I was a kid, if we used “bad” language we were threatened to have our mouths washed out with soap. I’m not sure our parents ever did the dastardly dead, but I’ve certainly worked with enough clients who experienced the soapy bubbles as a punishment for swearing.

When my nephews were little, my sister and I spent hours with them in the car trying to get them to stop using potty talk. All of our attempts failed until we decided to join them and talk like a couple of four year olds. They were so disgusted and annoyed with us they stopped.

My grandson discovered that when he talked potty talk at school he had to sit in a special place and take some space until he was ready to try again using better language.  The word “stupid” made the rounds at pre-school and was considered a bad and hurtful word.  Any kid using that word got a lot of attention, even if the attention was negative.  The attention didn’t seem to diminish the use of the word.  One day my daughter asked if I could talk to my grandson about the use of that word.  Here’s our discussion:

Me:  Z, I understand that you like to say the word “stupid” and that it gets you in trouble at home and at school.

Z:  Yes, Grandma.  That’s a bad word and we’re not supposed to say it.

Me:  You know, I don’t think words are good or bad.  I think the problem is in where and how you use them.  If you say, “Stupid.” to hurt someone’s feelings, that’s a problem.  If you say “stupid” around people who don’t like to hear that word, that’s a problem, too.  Personally, I don’t mind if you say the word around me, but I have discovered something that happens whenever I hear the word.

Z:  What’s that, Grandma?

Me:  It makes my hands need to tickle someone and I can’t seem to make them stop till the person stops saying that word.  Want to try it out?

Z:  Okay.

Z said, “Stupid” and I tickled him till he asked me to stop.  Eventually he decided that he wouldn’t use that word around me.  It was his choice.

On another occasion he burst out with a flood of potty talk which he calls potty mouth.  He looked at me and said, “Grandma, I can say those words around you, right?”  I think he got the message about appropriate places to use certain language.  When he tried out the “F” word on me (age 4), saying he was sure he could use that word around me, I said, “You could use that word, but I prefer “Holy Schlamoley.”  We spent the rest of the day saying “Holy Schlamoley” to everything and that was the end of the “F” word.”

This will be the first of many posts with stories about or questions from my clients.  Everyday my clients teach me about courage as they tackle the issues they’ve come to therapy to resolve.  The client who wrote the poem in this post is one of the most courageous women I’ve met.  She’s learned to walk the line of kind and firm with a teen–no easy task.  About a year ago, her son almost died and was hospitalized for a very long time.  He has recovered from the awful illness that almost killed him, yet the teen struggles go on.  Being a teen isn’t an easy time for teens or for their parents, as you can see from R’s poem.

To the Lost Boys who gather at my home

with all your tears and fears pent up

ready to explode in anger

while you struggle to become who you are

or yearn to be,

battling the days of horrors

inflicted upon you whether real

 or perceived.

You who sense in me a source of comfort and respect,

I offer you a pallet on my floor

along with all

 the milk and cereal I can afford.

I offer you all the love and support

I can give

Even as I fear

For my own Lost Boy who

 battles fiercely with his dichotomies,

taking his anger out on me

 as he passionately absorbs all your conflicts,

protecting your existence and rights,

 utilizing my compassion

as he too struggles to become all he is

 and yearns to be

while he sleeps

on a pallet on my floor

surviving on all the milk and cereal

 I can afford

Rejecting all the love and support

I can give