Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

I love this quote and it reminds me of an attitude that I wish parents could adopt when raising teens.  “Biology gives you a brain.  Life turns it into a mind.” (p. 479, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, Picador, 2002.) 

It’s hard to trust that teens will learn and grow from their experiences.  What teens do is often frightening to parents and adults, and they probably only know about a quarter of what is really going on.  I remember doing a workshop for a large group of parents of teens and asked them what they did when they were teens that they hid from their parents.  Many of them climbed out windows in the middle of the night to meet friends, “borrow” the family car, or simply roam around the town.  There was a lot of cow tipping and other acts of mischief, and certainly a fair amount of drug and alcohol abuse and sexual experimentation.  

Often my work with adult clients takes us back to their teen years where I hear stories that would have made my hair curl had I been their parent.  Recently, I asked one such client what he would say to a teen if he had one now, and the following is what he told me.  I thought it was wise and kind and respectful and helpful, yet most of the parents of teens I work with would never consider saying such a thing.  They would prefer to believe that they can micro-manage and control their teens and maintain an illusion of control that they rarely have.

 To my teen, if I had one:  “I will always be your parent but that does not mean I have control over your decisions. In fact I know that I have no control over your decisions and that you are going to do whatever you chose to do despite what I tell you, good or bad. I will always try to be there to offer support, to help guide you through your decisions and to give you my own personal perspective on what is right and wrong but ultimately it is your life to live, not mine. You have the power to make your own decisions and so will YOU have the responsibility of living with the consequences of those decisions, good and bad, not me. Very soon you will be an adult and the weight of that responsibility will be all your own, not mine. I will go on making my own choices for my own life and I will not be defined or dictated by the choices you will make in yours. In the end, I will one day be gone, and when you look back on your life you will either have the pleasure of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices or the anguish of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices.”

 Kyle also sent this with permission for me to publish it on my blog with his name attached. 

 A Walk On the Side of My Youth  by Kyle Gentry Kushner

I can smell the innocence in the air…

Before a face worn

I walked the streets of my youth

We drew a line where the sidewalks would end

We drew a line where youth would begin

In the twinkling night we’d see stars fall

and the lights from the cars trail by

Through the alleys we’d roam enhancing our minds

Free, under a twilight sky
Now night falls

As I still walk

Listening to the voices of my past

The friends I once knew

and these sidewalks that grew

Would take our innocence too fast

There are two parts to this recording as we got cut off part way through.  rec_dylanparta_20_Jul_2009_13_01_19

rec_dylanpartb_20_Jul_2009_13_11_25 

In part a Dylan talks about a pending felony charge against him and how this incident is helping him step up his game and do some things to improve his life and look better for the court.  We also talked about how angry he is and I attempted helping him identify what he’s angry about by doing an activity called the 10 Fingers of Anger.  Dylan is able to talk about some things that he’s angry about and what he does when he gets angry.  Given how much he represses his feelings or acts them out inappropriately, this was a good start.

 In part b, we continued talking about anger and reviewed information that can help Dylan understand more about his personality (and his Mom’s) and how he deals with anger.  Dylan talked about piercing himself when he’s angry, and I wish I had pursued this more given what happened after our session.  We made a date for another session, but this ended up being our last session, even though Dylan said that the sessions are helpful. 

When I called Dylan for our next appointment on the 29^th as we had agreed, he didn’t answer the phone.  I left a message and later that night, I got an email from his mom saying that the week had been very tough, Dylan had done a lot of drinking, and that he had been cutting himself, something I had not heard before, though Dylan did speak of putting a safety pin through his nose when he was angry.  Sounds like a real nightmare fueled with alcohol and perhaps other drugs.  Dylan’s drinking is clearly out of control and his behavior when he is under the influence is far different from the laughing, cynical but sweet boy on our recordings.  His mom was beside herself with worry and upset.

The next day Dylan’s mom wrote again saying Dylan was home safe and sober and feeling good.   I asked Mom to give Dylan my number so that he could call me if he wanted to do some more work.  A couple weeks later Mom wrote that she hadn’t given Dylan my number yet and that she was “taking her house back” and working on getting Dylan registered at the junior college and dealing with the assault charges.  The court appointed lawyer was working on getting the charges dropped as all evidence showed no willful or malicious conduct on Dylan’s part.  Mom said she’d be in touch when the court problem was over.

Once again, if you prefer listening to the session, follow the link:  mod_rec_dylan_29_Jun_2009_14_03_23

If you prefer a bit of introduction first, read on.  I received an email from Dylan’s mom telling me that one of his friends had died from an overdose.  She thought Dylan might want to talk about it and wanted to alert me.  She must experience the Dylan who, when asked what he’d like to talk about says, “Nothing,” and when asked how he feels, says, “Fine.”  

Since Dylan had given his permission, I also had his mom’s list of other topics she wanted Dylan to explore.  The list included the following:  Dylan said he’s paranoid all the time and guilty about living while others are dying; dealing with his 23 year old cousin; and getting weird thoughts. 

You’ll notice that we jump from topic to topic.  Dylan may think this is his ADHD, but I’d venture a guess that for whatever reason, he’s not that into our session today.  I work at getting Dylan to share his feelings and finally decide that perhaps he’d like to learn something rather than continue this parry back and forth. 

I introduce Dylan to my definition of stress and what it’s like to fall into the land of discouragement where people struggle with issues of identity, power, justice, and skills.  (I’m not sure if any of this is helpful, but later I hear from his Mom that Dylan was trying to teach her what he learned to help her with her stress.) 

Notice that Dylan says he sets the bar low for himself so he doesn’t feel bad about himself.  Not a great solution, really.  He also believes he has power over himself regarding his drinking, but this is an illusion.  (His mother reported a terrifying event on 7/29 where Dylan was so drunk he was threatening his parents and then ripped off his shirt and showed his mom that he had carved “Fuck you’ on his chest.  He’s also been cutting himself and not sleeping much.  I realize that some people think people suffer from other mental illnesses and drink to calm things down, but in my experience, all that Dylan’s mom is reporting goes away when someone stops drinking abusively.)  (more…)

You may simply want to listen to this session and come to your own conclusions.  If so, click on the link and read no farther.  rec_dylan_25_Jun_2009_15_35_23

This was a very tough session. On the one hand, Dylan says he wants to be in therapy, but his actions are those of constant resistance.  I asked Dylan why he would want to talk with me since he loves his life so much.  He reminds me that he’s doing this to help me, which I appreciate, but I suggest that we both want to get something out of this so it’s not one-sided.  (We’re interrupted by the news that Michael Jackson died, which means that Dylan is probably watching TV while we talk.)

When asked what he’d like to talk about, Dylan said that he didn’t have a clue, so I gave a lot of choices and Dylan told me to pick one and surprise him.  I asked, “How will your life be at 22,” to which he replied that he can’t think 5 minutes ahead.  I pushed and asked, “Where do you see yourself living at 22?  Is your current lifestyle what you aspire to?”  Dylan tells me he’d like to learn to live without money and be a vagabond.  I’m not sure if this is the magical thinking of a teen’s rebellion against adult or societal values, or if he’s pulling my leg.

 The conversation about money leads to how much the times were better when Dylan and his family lived with Grandma which began when he was 9.  When she died they were homeless.  Before that, Dylan spent time skate boarding, riding bikes, hanging out, and building a tree house with his dad. (more…)

Best laid plans and all that…this session didn’t get taped.  I got stuck trying to figure out the internal microphone and hadn’t bought a headset yet.  Dylan was unruffled which helped.  In fact Dylan is a live and let live guy most of the time, but when he’s not, well, you’ll see.  But since this was my first session with Dylan, I’ll highlight what we talked about during our hour. 

Dylan told me about his recent hospitalization from April 10 to May 30.  He had a bacterial infection that shut down all of his systems.  He lost all muscle memory and had to relearn to talk, walk, eat, and more.  He faced his own immortality which according to him has made him into a hypochondriac now.  Even a little sore throat freaks him out, which is only natural.  Most people would find a trauma like this to be life-altering.  For Dylan, it didn’t seem to interrupt his path of defiance, anger, and teenage acting out.  (more…)

On 6/4/09 seventeen year old Dylan and I began an experiment.  I had an idea that some of my clients might be willing to give permission for others to listen in on our sessions.  My thinking was that since so many things that happen in a session are issues lots of people have, sharing the sessions might be a way of helping others who weren’t in therapy. 

After speaking with Dylan’s mom about this project, she suggested I ask Dylan if he would be willing to help me as I learned how to record sessions and upload them to my blog.  Dylan said he would like to do that and was fully aware that the sessions we did together would be made public.  He was comfortable with that and gave his full permission (as did his mom).  Dylan’s willingness to help outshone my ability to accomplish the technical part of this transaction.  It’s now November and I’m finally ready to post our sessions to my blog.  What we’re ending up with are 4 sessions, one of which I summarize because it didn’t get recorded due to my technological inexperience.

 Both the sessions and the technical parts have been a big challenge for me.  There are clients with whom I work fluidly and success starts right in the first few interactions I have with them.  There are other clients who, for any variety of reasons, are a tougher sell.  Dylan fell into that category, so the progress was so tiny that there were times it was barely observable.  Sometimes it seemed that Dylan was as resistant to therapy as I was to learning the technical aspects of the project.    

 Even though the sessions don’t represent a typical experience in therapy, over the years I’ve come to trust the process of therapy, knowing that people do get something from the experience that is positive and life changing for them, even if it’s not always exactly what I had in mind.  My hope is that Dylan will experience the positives and that you as a listener will learn something helpful, too.

I’m not sure if I’ve taken the opportunity to use my blog to whine, but that’s what I’m about to do.  If you can’t stand whiners and whining, stop reading right now.  There are times that whining is the best solution for me.  Once I finish, not only do I feel better, but I am ready for more constructive solutions.  Whining is a behavior, and all behavior has a purpose, so my purpose is to purge while informing others of a perceived hurt.

I’m going to whine about being invisible, and if you’ve ever experienced the same thing, I’m sure you’ll relate.  Sometimes I think it’s my karma to be invisible.  I can wait with others at a counter and be seemingly invisible while other people get service long before I do.  Granted, I am part chameleon, but that’s no excuse!  Not getting service is a minor irritant, however, compared to how I feel when I am invisible as an author, which happens constantly.  I like writing books with others and think that a book that two (or three) write is better than a book written by one.  I love the blending of ideas, the sharing of responsibility, the creativity that emerges from a good disagreement.  I have 18 published books and I have chosen to be a co-author in almost all of them.  That does not mean that I chose to be invisible.  So when someone refers to one of my books without referring to me, I see red, and then I feel sorry for myself.

Case in point, though this is representative of thousands of similar situations:  check out this link http://talig.blogspot.com/2009/10/positive-discipline-for-teenagers.html.  First let me say that I am thrilled and grateful that “Ramblings from the Frozen North” loves and recommends our book.  But the example is too perfect to pass up, because it’s representative of what happens when there are co-authors.  Jane Nelsen and I wrote this book together.  In fact, it was the first of many books we wrote together.  It was a collaborative process from beginning to end.  Maybe each of us could have written a book about teens without a co-author, but I sincerely doubt the book would have been as rich and helpful as this one ended up being.  And I know I wouldn’t have had as much fun.  What I don’t understand is why, when a book has two authors, only one is mentioned.  (At this point, even I’m getting sick of my own whining and thinking about hitting the delete button.)

Okay, I got that off my chest, so now it’s time for more productive solutions.  Bless her heart, Jane already commented on the website and then sent the link to me.  I commit to taking the time today to leave a comment, too.  Probably a lot more constructive than all this boo-hoo-ing.  But hey, thanks for listening!

I’m excited to add something new to my blog.  With the help of Ken Ainge, techie extraordinaire, I’ll be working on publishing a regular feature for LynnLottTherapy Talk.  It’s called “Conversations with Lynn.”  Each week I’ll be interviewing someone who has an issue who, by sharing it on the Internet, would like to help others learn and help themselves in the process.  The interviews can be found at http://feeds.feedburner.com/LynnLottTherapyTalk or can be downloaded for free from iTunes. 

In the first interview, Ken and I talk about therapy (Is it for sissies?), resistence (It’s better to accept or ignore your problems), getting stuck in the either/or lack of clear choices, top card personality test, the joys and woes of avoiding, what is stress and how is it different for everyone, and finally, Ken’s philosophy of right way/wrong way/my way. 

This will be the first of many posts with stories about or questions from my clients.  Everyday my clients teach me about courage as they tackle the issues they’ve come to therapy to resolve.  The client who wrote the poem in this post is one of the most courageous women I’ve met.  She’s learned to walk the line of kind and firm with a teen–no easy task.  About a year ago, her son almost died and was hospitalized for a very long time.  He has recovered from the awful illness that almost killed him, yet the teen struggles go on.  Being a teen isn’t an easy time for teens or for their parents, as you can see from R’s poem.

To the Lost Boys who gather at my home

with all your tears and fears pent up

ready to explode in anger

while you struggle to become who you are

or yearn to be,

battling the days of horrors

inflicted upon you whether real

 or perceived.

You who sense in me a source of comfort and respect,

I offer you a pallet on my floor

along with all

 the milk and cereal I can afford.

I offer you all the love and support

I can give

Even as I fear

For my own Lost Boy who

 battles fiercely with his dichotomies,

taking his anger out on me

 as he passionately absorbs all your conflicts,

protecting your existence and rights,

 utilizing my compassion

as he too struggles to become all he is

 and yearns to be

while he sleeps

on a pallet on my floor

surviving on all the milk and cereal

 I can afford

Rejecting all the love and support

I can give