Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

Kara and I review information on what it’s like to have a Pleasing Top Card.  You can learn more about your top card by going to www.lynnlott.com and clicking on “try this.”  Kara talks about her discouragement with her teachers and her efforts to solve problems when someone doesn’t treat her nicely.  Like many others, Kara leaves, thus digging a hole for herself that gets harder and harder to climb out of.    Kara reminds us that when kids misbehave, they are discouraged and the adult who understands the discouragement is the person who will make the biggest difference.  When adults react to discouraged behavior, they tend to make the problem bigger.  When they are pro-active, they help the misbehaving person belong and be significant in socially acceptable ways.    Kara wants adults to understand that discouraged kids aren’t bad kids; they simply act out and behave in ways that create problems.  For more information on mistaken goals, check out Do It Yourself Therapy at www.amazon.com.

Childhood memories are the window to the subconscious.  In this lively conversation, Ken and I explore the hidden decisions in his childhood memory and track how those decisions have affected his life.  We also revisit the question, “Is therapy for sissies?”  For more information about understanding childhood memories, you can purchase a copy of Do It Yourself Therapy at Amazon.com.

Ken and I liken the beliefs found in the childhood memories to an operating system that operates inside of every human similar to how an operating system works in your computer.  It plays in the background and organizes information using a set of rules.  You create your operating system before you are 5 years old and it is still running your life even as an adult.  With awareness of your subconscious set of rules, you can have insight and options in your current life.

This conversation is with Ken who was processing his thoughts and feelings after videotaping a two day training his mom and I led called Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way.  We cover a lot of ground in this session, starting with a conversation about Positive Discipline.  For many people, it is a new paradigm, moving away from autocratic parenting (“Do it because I say so!”) and permissive parenting (“Let me take care of everything to make you happy and comfortable.”) to kind and firm parenting.  Positive discipline tools help parents succeed with this new model and give them different ways of looking at behavior.  One of the tools Ken and I talk about is called the Mistaken Goal Chart.  I suggest that you download (for free) a copy of the chart from download@focusingonsolutions.com and follow along while we chat. 

Usually parents and teachers notice behavior and deal with behavior.  Using the mistaken goal chart, we show the adults who live and work with children how to understand the purpose of behavior and see the discouraged and mistaken ways that children think when they don’t feel a sense of belonging and significance.  By using this model, adults can encourage children instead of punish or spoil them.  Adults can discover ways to help children get attention, feel powerful, repair hurt feelings, and have the courage to try again when they think they aren’t good enough.

Ken used the mistaken goal chart to understand more about his 13 year old daughter when he found out she had cut school and was picked up by the truant office.  He said his reactive response would have been to punish and take away privileges.  Instead he pulled out the mistaken goal chart.  Follow along as Ken talks about how he discovered his daughter felt left out and hurt and unloved and was evening the score by skipping school.  Ken dealt with her hurt feelings by understanding, affirming, acknowledging them, and then apologizing for leaving her out (accidentally, of course).  He and his daughter set up iHop Mondays so they could spend some special time together.  Instead of continuing her discouraged behavior, his daughter did an about face and was even made student of the day at her school.

Looking at the purpose of behavior and the mistaken thinking goes against everything that comes naturally to adults who are trying their best to raise responsible children.  Using the positive discipline tools helps adults understand and know how young people are thinking.  Other tools that Ken and I talk about are validating feelings, asking curiosity questions, deciding what you will do, act without talking, and following through.  The Positive Discipline books are filled with tools, and I hope you will check them out to help you be a more proactive and successful parent.  There’s a list of the books with excerpts at my website, www.lynnlott.com.