June 14, 2009
Years ago someone asked me, “If your partner never changed from how he is today, would you want to spend the rest of your life with him?” At the time I heard this question, I protested about the question rather than answering it. I justified the answer and the question, just as I did my relationship.
After spending 22 years in a second marriage, if you asked me that question today, I wouldn’t hesitate answering it. Of course I would want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, and if there is such a thing as future lives, I’d be just fine spending those with him, too.
Hardly a day goes by that someone doesn’t ask me the question, “How do I know if it’s time to leave my relationship?” It’s as difficult a decision for them as it was for me. I’d say that the struggle is necessary to learn about yourself and what it means to you to feel and show love. There are no easy answers.
This helped me. If 75% of your time is awful and 25% is good, that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship. If you can flip that around and notice that 75% of your time together is great and that there are struggles 25% of the time, you have a better chance of being in the right relationship. It also helped me to listen to my feelings instead of my head. My head was filled with logic about why it was the good and right thing to do to stay. My heart and my gut and other ideas. When I started listening to them, the information I got was important, yet scary.
It takes courage to be a human being, and it took courage and a leap of faith for me to make the decision to stay or to leave. If you are in this struggle, listen to your feelings and trust that there is life after divorce.
June 8, 2009
living the dream in your fast food nation
giving your hard earned cash to the major corperations 
you work nine to five, just to stay alive
your life takes a dive, as the rich folks thrive
it’s like a giant game of monopoly
‘cept you go to jail longer and the parkings not free
rights are just privleges if they can be taken away
“freedom” doesn’t exist in the US of A
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
healthcare and hospitals turning people away
all because of of their inability to pay
they’ll leave you there to suffer and die
as the CEO’s joke and all the families cry
they kill innocent people in other countries/ overseas
to pay off and kiss ass to oil companies
for coperate funding and endorsement in the next election
man, money gives some mother fuckers a serious erection
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
Yes, teens are rebellious. Yes, teens see the world in black and white. And yes, teens can be extremely critical of their “elders.” But this poem touched my heart and made me wonder how many teens feel so let down and disillusioned by the world they live in. It made me want to know what teens who are this upset and discouraged might be deciding to do about this “messed up” world they live in. Will they give up in despair, figuring it’s all too hopeless and impossible to change? Will they strike back, causing chaos and revenge, striking out at others who they will “blame” for this state of affairs? Will they punish themselves with drugs and alcohol, figuring the whole thing is meaningless, so why even bother? Will they write amazing poetry and songs to alert their peers and the rest of us to this dismal view of our world, hoping to get our attention so we can do something to make things better? What kind of encouragement do they need?
Sure, I know some of you are thinking, ”We walked to school barefoot through the snow to get to school and worked meaingless jobs for 5 cents an hour to have spending money when we were kids. We never sassed the adults or questioned their veracity. So why don’t these kids appreciate all they have and stop blaming and casting stones?” Personally, I think we need to listen and find ways to let them know we hear them and with their help, find ways to bridge the gap. My hope is that they won’t give up on us or themselves, and that they’ll find ways to make positive contributions that will help our world small step by small step.
In the weeks to come, I’m going to be having conversations with the author of this poem. If I can figure out the logistics, I’ll tape and then upload our conversations so you can listen to them if you like. I have his permission, so all I’m missing is confidence in my own technical expertise. Cross your fingers for me!
June 6, 2009
A group of teachers spent a day in a Positive Discipline in the Classroom workshop. One of the activities they did was on top card, which was an opportunity to learn more about their personality style. (You can learn more about Top Card by reviewing previous posts or visiting www.lynnlott.com and click on Try This.) The idea was to look at the assets of their top card in the classroom as well as their top card liabilities as teachers. After they brainstormed these two lists, they asked people who look at the world through different filters to give them feedback about what they could work on in the classroom. Three of the four top cards were represented in the workshop: Control, Pleasing, and Superiority. Here are their lists:
Control Assets: Take charge by establishing routines and being organized; multi-taks with the ability to accomplish a lot and work with individual groups; crisis manager who can maintain order, safety and first aid; the ability to wing-it and think fast on their feet and make things up as they go; accountability; trustworthy; patient with others; able to take time for self. Their bumper sticker might say: But enough about me; what do you think about me?
Control Liabilities: Invite power struggles, procrastinate by putting off correcting homework or planning; make mountains out of mole hills; get overwhelmed; judgmental and critical; not patient with selves; expect too much of selves; withdraw; catastrophize; deal with other people’s issues instead of their own; bossy; flustered when kids are off task or loud.
Suggestions from other top card personalities: Just tell us what you want so we can figure out how to deal with you and solve the problem. Tell us when you’re getting overwhelmed instead of acting it out. The response was: If only we could.
Pleasing Assets: We make things fun and create ways for people to be involved while making learning painless; empathetic by taking time to listen and understand others’ needs and give them what they need; positivity with lots of encouragement, give hope, don’t hold grudges, and stress that everyday is a fresh start; good listeners and open minded by respecting and eliciting others’ opinions and drawing them out as well as being willing to be wrong and apologize.
Pleasing Liabilities in the classroom: not being open and honest; holding back opinions or ideas because we want to be liked; retreating from conflict and pretending everything is fine when it’s not; focusing on pleasing the most negative person which results in taking away time and energy from well behaving students.
Suggestions from other top card personalities: Say what’s on your mind and remember that others like you regardless of your opinions. Be brave, take a deep breath, and say “NO.”
Superiority Assets: We know everything; we have clear boundaries; we get everything done; we’re always revising to make things better; we’re reflective; tolerant; creative; humorous; we have high standards.
Superiority Liabilities: sometimes we don’t hear/acknowledge others expertise; perfection; expect too much; don’t ask for help; insulting/rude; crash because we don’t take care of what we should; avoidance of uncomfortable tasks; overachieve; too much pressure on ourselves/students; intolerant of people/students who don’t push themselves or whom we perceive as “ignorant” or lazy.
Suggestions from other top cards: Have an agreement that others can tell you when you’re playing your top card to help you be aware; use the expression, “I notice” instead of being critical or judgmental. Make it safe for the kids to make mistakes and try again.
Years ago someone asked me, “If your partner never changed from how he is today, would you want to spend the rest of your life with him?” At the time I heard this question, I protested about the question rather than answering it. I justified the answer and the question, just as I did my relationship. 
