August 18, 2009
My day just got better. The army announced (in my morning newspaper) that they will be training soldiers in hopes of averting suicide and depression. The method they will be using “seeks to defuse or expose common habits of thinking and flawed beliefs that can lead to anger and frustration.” They call the program emotional resiliency training. When a group of sargeants were asked if they thought the training was too touch feely one replied, “I believe so, sir.” I think that sargeant may just end up eating those words. According to the article, the training is based on the ideas of Dr. Aaron Beck and the late Albert Ellis who found that “mentally disputing unexamined thoughts and assumptions often defuses them.”
Now I must admit that the army didn’t contact me about this training, nor do I really know what the training entails, but based on what I’m reading, it seems like a step in the right direction. It’s certainly an improvement from deciding every last living soldier has a chemical imbalance and needs to be on anti-depressants. In my imagination, here’s how I picture the training. At least, this is what I’d do if I were designing the training, because it is the basis of all the work I do with my clients.
First, I’d teach the soldiers (as I do my clients) that feelings come from thoughts and actions come from feelings. In other words, you can’t have a feeling without a thought, even if you aren’t aware of the thought, and you can’t have an action without a feeling because actions need energy to drive them and feelings are energy. Then I’d help them realize that if you want to make a change in your life, you have the most success if you either become aware of your thoughts (both the conscious and subconscious ones) and change them, or you become aware of your actions and change them. Changing thoughts changes feelings and thus behavior. Changing behavior changes feelings, and thus thoughts. These days in our drug crazed word, the focus has been on change feelings with drugs, either prescription or legal substances or illegal substances. While it may be true that drugs change feelings, they don’t’ necessarily improve a person’s circumstances, at least not as much as working on thoughts or behaviors can. Finally, I’d help them learn how to discover their thoughts and/or examine new behaviors that are based on mutual respect, empowerment, and courage.
I’m going to write more about this and give examples in future blogs. For now, I just wanted to celebrate my joy by posting this blog.
There are days that I question if it’s worth my effort to write a blog since it seems to be a spam magnet. Wading through mountains of spam looking for legitimate comments leaves me feeling discouraged and dirty. But every now and then someone comments about how much the blog is helping them, and I know it’s worth it. Some of these comments come directly to me instead of getting posted on the blog. I’ve saved a few and refer to them now.
The parent of the child I spoke about in the attachment parenting gone wrong piece wrote: “First, GREAT blog post on (my) attachment parenting. [I sort of goofed] and I’m gonna turn it around and really work on empowering [my kid] so that she has the tools she needs to become a courageous and confident kid. Thanks for opening the window shades for me on that one.”
Later she wrote: “I just want to bring you up to date on my kid: she’s been sleeping on her own at her Dad’s because as expected, he’s sticking to his guns by not letting her sleep in the same bed as him even for that “couple minutes” until she falls asleep. She’s been sleeping on the floor next to him in a sleeping bag. Every night she’s been at his place she’s called me by 8:30 (bedtime) crying, saying she misses me, and we talk through her fears and why she’s crying. Well, yesterday afternoon I reminded her she’d be with Dad that night, and asked if there was anything special from my place she wanted to take for bedtime; she thought about it and decided on one of her favorite dolls. It was about 8:30 and I hadn’t heard from her and was glad….I decided to call over there and ended up just leaving a message because I really wanted to tell her that “I know you can do it” and “I have all the confidence in the world in you!” — after reading your blog post I knew that what I needed to do was encourage her so that she can start building her courageous muscle. Well, this morning I received a call from her — “I”m returning your call from last night Mommy, and wanted to tell you that I did it! I slept on my own all night and didn’t even cry”. I’m so proud of her!!”
The other day I got this about the podcast on attachment parenting that Jane Nelsen and I did. “Finally got a chance to listen to the audio recording between you and Jane on attachment parenting. I loved it, what another eye opener for me. The truth is I’ve been doing certain things all these years and having no idea the impact I’m having. Thank you so much for this Lynn, I can’t even tell you. And thanks to Jane too. The tips at the end are great, what a great ending point for this recording, so you don’t leave us helpless with no information on how to turn it around and back on track. It’s just wonderful, powerful, I’m so grateful.
I hope you two do more of these…I hope the attachment parenting one is the beginning of many. It was such a natural recording between the two of you, citing Adlerian philosophies, your questions to her and her answers, your agreement on what each other was saying, and expanding on ideas you each had. SO COOL!”
August 12, 2009
When I was a kid, our family finally got a new TV. The screen was more oval than rectangular and all we watched were cowboy movies with the good guys in white and the bad guys in black. The TV was a novelty, but not as much fun as playing outside with our friends.
More years later than I’d like to admit, I don’t have a TV and haven’t watched one for 20 years (except as a screen for movies). Don’t feel like I’ve missed a thing, either.
The other day I read an article in the newspaper where a family of four gets up in the morning and heads for their separate corners to check Facebook, Twitter, email, news, etc. on computers, cell phones, and whatever other electronic equipment is required. This same family used to eat breakfast together, but that seems to be a thing of the past. The times have changed, and not necessarily for the better, but for some strange reason, I find it exciting to attempt to keep up, at least a little. When complaining to a friend about how exhausted and stressed I was trying to figure out how to use my new Blackberry, my new computer, and my new programs that allow me to record conversations, edit them, and upload them to my blog, she sent the following reply.
If you would just stop getting new devices all the time and trying to live on the (cutting) edge, you wouldn’t have such problems as electronic heaven/hell. It comes with being of a “certain age” while insisting on keeping current despite the valiant efforts of the next generation (of humans, that is; well actually of technology, too, now that I think about it) to exclude us by rendering our habits and knowledge base obsolete. It’s not good enough that we practice until we get stuff and then retain it only as long as we use it frequently. Oh no. The essential capacity anymore is intuitive grasp. We’re doomed to suffer electronic hell. Even tenacious brainiacs like Rick. But (I say unto you), do not go gentle into that good night:
Having said all that, I must confess that I write this while sitting on the couch, across the living room from my laptop, which I’m operating with a wireless mouse and keyboard while using a 46” HD television screen for the display. It’s great for streaming Netflix instant movies and music videos from band sites, because it’s hooked up to the stereo system.”
I wouldn’t do what I do unless I thought I was making a difference in the lives of those I work with. The feedback helps. Here is one of the nicest ways someone found to let me know that the work I do helps. I appreciate it for two reasons: one is that I want to do more phone therapy and this client was very reluctant to have a session by phone but was willing to give it a try; and two, the song she sent says everything I could wish for in my work. Who could ask for more?!
“I think the ability to do the phone thing is just all you. I usually hate the phone, but as always, enjoyed our discussion.
Thanks also for the compliments. -I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. -Heard that cheesy song from the “Wicked” musical called “For Good”? The beginning verse starts off:
I’ve heard it said
that people come into our lives
for a reason
bringing something we must learn
and we are led to those
who help us most to grow
if we let them
and we help them in return
Well I don’t know if I believe that’s true
but I know I’m who I am today because I knew you
like a comet pulled from orbit
as it passes a sun
like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood
well, who’s to say if I’ve been changed for the better?
Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good.
I know, I’m all cheese, but it’s probably the theater in me…I have a flare for the overly dramatic. Although the only difference is that I KNOW I’ve been changed for the better because of you. So THANK YOU!”
August 6, 2009
Jane Nelsen,parenting guru, and I have written a lot of books together and enjoy working on projects together. This may be the beginning of something new or the one and only time we record a casual conversation together about our views on issues, clients, and parenting. I’ve been learning how to use Skype and Pamela for Skype so that I can record some of my therapy sessions and upload them to the web. The going is slow, but very exciting. (Wish I were a kid again growing up with all this electronic stuff being a normal part of my life instead of having to try to learn at this age.) I asked Jane if she’d experiment with me so we could talk about attachment parenting. If my limited technological skill works, you can listen to our discussion.
Jane Nelson&Lynn Lott on Attachment Parenting
If you were a mouse in the corner of my office, here’s something you might see and hear on a typical day. Since a typical day is about 7 hours and every client is different, you’ll have to use your imagination or wait for updates for more client stories.
The first client I’m writing about is the poster child for what happens when parents take the popular notions about attachment too seriously. The attachment parenting I’m referring to is very different from the basic concept of the therapy I practice which accepts that the two most important needs humans have is to belong and to feel significant. The first place humans feel love and attachment is in their family of origin. I am not suggesting that feeling attached (belonging) and loved (significance) is unimportant. I am concerned about the wave of parenting advice that encourages parents to never let their child our of their sight, to make sure they never feel sadness, pain, etc., and that it is the parent’s job to do whatever is necessary to make the child feel secure and loved. There are a few flaws in this theory. I’ll touch on a couple.
First, children are always making decisions about what is happening to them. They think and decide even before they have language, and they may not be deciding what the parent is thinking they are deciding. All that contact and attention might be inviting the child to think, “I can’t handle things myself and need someone to intervene for me,” or “I’m not capable.” In addition to that, children need to feel their feelings—all of them, and then get help from their parents about constructive and respectful ways to deal with their feelings. There’s nothing wrong with feelings. The problem is usually the behavioral solutions that follow feelings. Starting children out from birth with the notion that half of their feelings are inappropriate or dangerous is a sure fire way to limit their ability to solve problems or role with life’s ups and downs as they grow up.
You’ll see the result of this style of parenting when you hear about my client, a nine year old who has been sent by her single parent with the following instructions (my words, not mom’s). “Lynn, can you fix the following? I’m worried about my daughter and want her to be less anxious and happier. Here are some of the problems: she won’t let me out of her sight; she sleeps in my bed and won’t sleep in her own room; she follows me everywhere; she cries often because she’s worried the people she loves might die; and she cried most of the night when she stayed with a relative.”
I’m expecting a frail, pathetic kid to show up at my door, but instead, in walks an adorable, cheery kid who has agreed to see me because it’s important to her parent. I start by telling her that Mom is worried about her and that she wrote me a letter with her concerns. My client asks me to tell her what Mom wrote, so one by one we go through the concerns. She explains that Mom doesn’t have it quite right and goes on to clarify that her biggest concern is that someone might break into the house and kidnap her like what happened in her community many years ago to Polly Klaus. That’s why she didn’t want to sleep at her relative’s house, because the guest room was next to the front door. That’s why she follows her mom everywhere. She’s not afraid about her Mom getting hurt; she’s worried that if her Mom is in a different part of the house or outside, the bad guy can come and get her and no one will be there to help her. She’s taken a martial arts class, but she’s sure she’s not strong enough to really fight off an intruder. She lives in constant fear of being abducted.
As she’s talking, I’m thinking that as tough and strong as this kid looks, she’s short on confidence. She’s smart and thoughtful and extremely verbal, but she lacks courage. Could this be because she’s been completely over-protected all of her life? That would be my guess. Courage is a muscle that needs to be exercised, and it needs a parent’s help. I make a mental note to talk to Mom to find out what her beliefs are and why she is so worried about her daughter and so protective. But in the meantime, I’ve got to work with who’s in front of me. Hopefully, she’ll be easier to empower than her mom.
Usually the big issues change with small steps, so that’s where we begin. I tell her about my fears about my kids when they were off on their big adventures around the world river rafting and traveling through third world countries. I didn’t want to put bad energy into their paths by thinking negatively, so I figured out that I could imagine throwing a golden net over them that would keep them safe. I told her that so far this imaginary net has kept my kids safe for over fifteen years, and that it’s amazing how powerful our imagination can be. I suggested that she might think of something to keep her safe.
She countered with a sigh of relief and a big grin and told me that she did that a few days ago. She had taken a field trip to the Science Academy and seen the albino alligator. She figured out that she could create a crew of albino alligators who in her imagination would surround her bed. They wouldn’t hurt her, just attack unfamiliar intruders. I congratulated her for being so clever and told her I was sure that those alligators would work as well or better than my golden net. She seemed relieved.
My imaginary golden net is what keeps me sane. My kids are safe and strong because of the millions of opportunities they’ve had from birth on to make small mistakes and learn from them and to have room to try things out and build their courage muscle. Now my client has just made her first decision about self-care instead of hoping someone could fix things for her. Her albino alligators are her first steps to empowerment.
Next, she told me that her mom won’t let her have a sleepover with a friend until she can sleep in her own bed. I asked if it was okay if I disagreed with her mom about that and she said it was fine (another empowerment step). So I suggested that courage was a muscle, and if she was willing to sleep at a friends, that would exercise her courage and she could worry about getting out of her mom’s bed at another time. I told her I’d mention this to her mom if it was okay with her and she gave me permission to talk to her mom.
What came out next was that her mom wouldn’t redecorate her room (something we had talked about almost a year ago) until she got out of her mom’s bed. Again, I said I disagreed and she was anxious to hear my opinion. I explained that I believe very strongly that all kids should be able to pick out the color their rooms are painted and decide within reason what to put up on their walls. Since a person’s room was something used all day long, it didn’t matter where they slept during the night. I suggested the redecorating start immediately, and again, with her permission, I told her I’d talk this over with her mom. My thinking is that as she is able to make more decisions about the small things that affect her life, the more she’ll build her confidence.
We also talked about how she controls and manipulates her mom by crying or being scared and how her mom won’t follow through on her threats to get her out of mom’s bed if she cries. She knows this, but it helps to verbalize it and let her know she’s “the mom” when it comes to this decision. She’s not comfortable with that, so maybe that awareness will help her move forward; maybe not. Step by step.
Later I spoke to her mom who thought that withholding the overnights and redecorating would help her daughter take the step to sleep in her own room. I suggested that since she’s been trying that for a year with no results, it might be a time to shift gears and move into plan B. It will be a lot easier to send her daughter off on a sleepover or repaint her room and let her daughter start making decisions about color and wall art, than to get her daughter out of her bed.
