Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

I wonder if encouragement is on our minds because it’s Fall and the kids have gone back to school?  Whatever the reason, Jane and I want to make the art of encouragement easier for you.  Psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs said, “Children need encouragment like plants need water.”  How right he was.  Especially once school starts.  What Dreikurs didn’t say is that adults need encouragement like plants need water.  There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t worried about being good enough or simply being enough.  Encouragement is what gets us through the down times.  Listen to this discussion that Jane and I had this morning about encouragement to learn more about how important it is and how to do it.  Click on the word “Encouragement” below and then again on the next page that appears to hear our conversation.

Encouragement

A client wrote: “I’m really glad you made that comment about encouragement means you help some one get up when they fall, not micro manage things so they never fall again.”

 She went on to say, “It’s providing a lot to think about.  [My husband and I] need to talk about it and analyze what kids are really learning (and failing to learn) when we use punishment.  I’ve been having some epiphanies!  Unfortunately, I think I’m starting to realize in a new way, how it almost ensures that our kids will DO the very things we’re trying to avoid, because if they don’t make the mistake (because we over manage) they miss the opportunity to learn about it and we’ll just stay wrapped in this mire of control and power struggles while they fail to gain experience.  If we force/punish, the focus switches to fighting with us instead of learning from the mistake.  We all lose, both ways!” 

If you think about the word encouragement, it means to put the courage “in.”  When I let my almost 2 year old grandson feed himself at the Mexican restaurant watching rice and beans fall to the floor, his lap, and into my purse, that’s encouragement.  He’s building skills and self-confidence.  When he says, “I need dat knife to cut chips,” I hand it to him so he can cut chips with abandon, practicing his skills.  When he asks to go for a ride on the train and then gets scared and changes his mind, I pick him up, climb into the train and say, “We’ll try it once and if we don’t like it, we won’t go again,” that’s encouragement.  By the time we hit the first tunnel, he’s laughing and saying, “Hello, tunnel.  Bye, bye, tunnel.”  With a little help from me, he’s facing his fears.

 With his older brother, now 6, I created a character named George when he was around two and three.  George was afraid to drive through a tunnel, drive over the “Olden Gate Bridge, aka Golden Gate Bridge” and didn’t want to go to the “Ploratorium, aka Exploratorium in San Francisco.”  The make believe character George had a make believe grandmother who said, “Let’s try it once and if we don’t like it, we won’t do it again.”  George reluctantly said, “Okay, Grandma.”  In the story, George tried all activities and when he finished them, he’d say to his Grandma, “THAT WAS FUN! LET’S DO IT AGAIN!!”  This was enough to encourage the then two and three year old grandson to do the same.  

I’d forgotten about George until recently my grandson asked, “Grandma, what would George say about what to do when someone at school picks on him?”  Not only did “George” help build courage when he was a toddler, he also made enough of an impression that he’s been revived to help figure out current dilemmas.

If you’re feeling down and hopeless or helpless or think you’re not good enough, you can give yourself a hand up.  Tell yourself that this down time isn’t forever and that being human is about loving yourself in spite of your flaws and imperfections.  Remind yourself that it’s always okay to make mistakes and that you can try again.   Look at your progress and what you have instead of what you haven’t accomplished yet.  And give yourself a hug, while patting yourself and saying, “There, there, there; it’ll all be okay!”