I recently got a request from someone wanting help with her teen who had been diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder. Duh! Let’s see, that’s like diagnosing a one year old with failure to walk perfectly disorder if they’re still falling down when attempting to walk. Teens by nature are oppositional. That is their developmental job, to separate themselves from their families to try to figure out who they will become as they grow up. Like the caterpillar who spins a cocoon to become a butterfly, teens spin an invisible web around them, and if you try to break it to regain control, they get very defiant. Is your teen the adult he will become? No! Like the caterpillar, he needs to go through a metamorphosis to become the adult (butterfly). Is this a disorder? Not in my mind. It is a human condition and it is a relationship issue. Your teen is struggling with his relationship with himself and his friends; he’s also struggling with his relationship with you and the rest of his family; you’re struggling with your relationship with him. Does this create “disorder”? Sure, because there’s so much change going on. But that doesn’t make it a “disease”.
So what’s the solution? Respect!!!! Since most of us weren’t raised with a whole lot of respect, Jane Nelsen and I wrote the book Positive Discipline for Teens to help parents figure out what the application of respect might look like with a teenager. In that book, you learn to respect yourself, your teen, and your situation, and in doing so, you can invite your teen to treat you more respectfully. The book teaches you how to move out of the pilot’s seat and become a co-pilot, helping your young adult make it through his or her struggles without damage that can’t be repaired to both the child and your relationship.
I rarely plug one of my books, which is ridiculous if you think about it. I only write when I’m trying to help folks make their lives easier. It takes a couple of years from inception to conclusion to put a book together that is truly helpful. I’m glad I wrote PD for Teens, because when I was parenting my first teen, nothing of the sort was available. I hate how many mistakes I made, but since mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow, I did a lot of that. The book is my way of giving back and making things easier for the teens and parents.