A client came to see me because he was experiencing what he called “a nervous breakdown.” We talked about what had triggered his panicked feelings and about his unmet expectations of himself and others and how the difference between his beliefs about how life should be and how life was were tearing him apart. He has always looked at depression as a biological event, but after our work together and his processing it, he’s came to find the power of his internal belief system and noticed the problems his old thinking caused.
I asked if I could publish his conclusions in my blog as I think what he came to could help others. He agreed saying, “You may definitely use it if you think it will be helpful; after all, it’s just a reflection of your great work.” What a charmer!
These days it’s too easy to look at problems in life as an illness with a corresponding pill to correct things. But the insight work this client did with his list of suggestions to himself will serve him well and get his life back. He’s gone the anti-depressant route for years without ever working on his deeper issues, so nothing really changed. If he reminds himself of his 4 conclusions and practices them, I expect that he’ll experience lasting change and a richer life. I hope blog readers can benefit from his work, too.
“Thanks Lynn. As you might expect, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and what I’ve been going through and trying to make sense of it. I wanted to share my thinking with you to see if you think I’m on the right track. I’m a bit desperate to make conclusions/meanings, but don’t want to replace old bad conceptions with new bad ones. Here’s my current thinking:
1. Accept myself for who I am. I have been feeling like I can’t be successful while still being me, because I am not good enough. This has led me to push myself beyond my limits to be something I am not and has totally stressed me out. If I can be aware of this underlying insecurity and calm my inner critic, I think that might be a good direction to start with.
2. Establish healthy boundaries. This seems like the practical implementation of accepting myself, i.e. by asking for what I want/need and saying no to what I am not comfortable with, I can protect myself from unduly stressful situations. I really see now how I routinely give up my boundaries because I want so badly to be accepted.
3. Resist obsessive thinking. I never really realized it before, but if I look back on my life, I have always obsessed on some external desire as the basis of my happiness: success in sports, drugs, girlfriends, school, nature, and now work. Just living in the moment and putting one foot in front of the other is really hard for me, but the obsessing has always deprived me of the real joys in life: family, friendships, and simple appreciations.”
4. Resist grandiose and catastrophic thinking. I honestly have felt it is my duty to save the world from itself, and that I could be some kind of pivotal hero (like John Muir or Aldo Leopold). When reality hits me, I fall flat on my face and feel like a worthless piece of shit. And, as you noted, make great big meanings out of isolated events (e.g. I failed a test, therefore I will never amount to anything). I think this more than anything is what I am going through when I feel “depressed”. Monitoring my thought processes, and stopping myself was a good suggestion.”
I’m excited to add something new to my blog. With the help of Ken Ainge, techie extraordinaire, I’ll be working on publishing a regular feature for LynnLottTherapy Talk. It’s called “Conversations with Lynn.” Each week I’ll be interviewing someone who has an issue who, by sharing it on the Internet, would like to help others learn and help themselves in the process. The interviews can be found at http://feeds.feedburner.com/LynnLottTherapyTalk or can be downloaded for free from iTunes.
In the first interview, Ken and I talk about therapy (Is it for sissies?), resistence (It’s better to accept or ignore your problems), getting stuck in the either/or lack of clear choices, top card personality test, the joys and woes of avoiding, what is stress and how is it different for everyone, and finally, Ken’s philosophy of right way/wrong way/my way.
In the second interview, Ken and I follow up with the “Top Card”conversation. We talk about dealing with stress, anxiety, life threatening illnesses, and traumatic events.
In the third interview, I talk with Katie. Katie is a high school student who is in a band. Katie wants to talk about her top card which is “Pleasing”. Katie and I share notes on the stress and anxiety of tyring to please too many people and our assumptions and worries about what people think. Although Katie is talking about her issues, she’s really reflecting what a lot of teens struggle with. Her openness makes it possible to learn more and find solutions she can work on.
In the fourth interview Ken and I talk about the kids who dislike high school and how that can impact their future. Ken’s experience is one that many of us have encountered, where we stumbled onto our major and/or our career rather than planning ahead for it. This interview is encouraging for parents who are worried about their high school kids’ futures. We also revisited the discussion about dealing with a life threatening disease. Ken reminds us how that can help us get our priorities straight and appreciating each day. He also talks about how his illness impacted his children. We touch on different parenting styles, competition and sibling rivalry and finish up with information on upcoming events and products available for downloading.
Enjoy and learn!
This is a topic near and dear to my heart. My training for the last 35 years is to look at problems as incidents of discouragement rather than illnesses. I know I’m outside the norm to think the way I do, and there are times it is damn discouraging because in today’s world, everything seems to be labeled an illness with a corresponding pill (expensive, too) that will fix all. Feeling tired - there’s a pill for that. Feeling anxious – here’s the pill. Feeling scattered – you’re ADD and there’s a pill for that. Feeling worried, scared, depressed – heck, there are tons of pills for that, and corresponding illness labels for all of the above and more. Doesn’t anyone every wonder how an entire country, well probably most of the world, suddenly came down with a chemical imbalance. In my opinion, the emperor has no clothes, but rather than calling him naked as a jay bird, he’s probably got a corresponding illness and a pill to fix that, too!
Alone as I may feel, I don’t normally falter in my position, but I do struggle to think of ways to communicate my views to others so they can consider them and perhaps make changes in their lives so they feel better and live better. I am forever amazed at the number of people I encounter who are so set in their ways that they don’t have an ounce of curiosity. I question everything, so in some ways I envy people who can be so sure. But in other ways, I find them unsettling. I was walking with a friend yesterday (more…)
