A client came to see me because he was experiencing what he called “a nervous breakdown.” We talked about what had triggered his panicked feelings and about his unmet expectations of himself and others and how the difference between his beliefs about how life should be and how life was were tearing him apart. He has always looked at depression as a biological event, but after our work together and his processing it, he’s came to find the power of his internal belief system and noticed the problems his old thinking caused.
I asked if I could publish his conclusions in my blog as I think what he came to could help others. He agreed saying, “You may definitely use it if you think it will be helpful; after all, it’s just a reflection of your great work.” What a charmer!
These days it’s too easy to look at problems in life as an illness with a corresponding pill to correct things. But the insight work this client did with his list of suggestions to himself will serve him well and get his life back. He’s gone the anti-depressant route for years without ever working on his deeper issues, so nothing really changed. If he reminds himself of his 4 conclusions and practices them, I expect that he’ll experience lasting change and a richer life. I hope blog readers can benefit from his work, too.
“Thanks Lynn. As you might expect, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and what I’ve been going through and trying to make sense of it. I wanted to share my thinking with you to see if you think I’m on the right track. I’m a bit desperate to make conclusions/meanings, but don’t want to replace old bad conceptions with new bad ones. Here’s my current thinking:
1. Accept myself for who I am. I have been feeling like I can’t be successful while still being me, because I am not good enough. This has led me to push myself beyond my limits to be something I am not and has totally stressed me out. If I can be aware of this underlying insecurity and calm my inner critic, I think that might be a good direction to start with.
2. Establish healthy boundaries. This seems like the practical implementation of accepting myself, i.e. by asking for what I want/need and saying no to what I am not comfortable with, I can protect myself from unduly stressful situations. I really see now how I routinely give up my boundaries because I want so badly to be accepted.
3. Resist obsessive thinking. I never really realized it before, but if I look back on my life, I have always obsessed on some external desire as the basis of my happiness: success in sports, drugs, girlfriends, school, nature, and now work. Just living in the moment and putting one foot in front of the other is really hard for me, but the obsessing has always deprived me of the real joys in life: family, friendships, and simple appreciations.”
4. Resist grandiose and catastrophic thinking. I honestly have felt it is my duty to save the world from itself, and that I could be some kind of pivotal hero (like John Muir or Aldo Leopold). When reality hits me, I fall flat on my face and feel like a worthless piece of shit. And, as you noted, make great big meanings out of isolated events (e.g. I failed a test, therefore I will never amount to anything). I think this more than anything is what I am going through when I feel “depressed”. Monitoring my thought processes, and stopping myself was a good suggestion.”