Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

This might be the first of many posts about the magic of childhood memories.  Then again, it could take another 6 months before I find the time and desire to write again.  This post is about sharing with you one of the most magical and effective tools that you have with you all the time for solving problems.  The tool is your childhood memories.  If you learn to use your memories effectively, you’ll be surprised at how much you can learn about yourself and how much they can help you get unstuck in your current life.

Here’s how it works.  Think of a problem you are currently having that you wish would get better or go away.  Now think of any childhood memory and don’t worry if the memory is related to the problem.  Trust that the first memory you think of is the one that will be filled with magical help you need.  Write down the memory, including your age at the time of the memory, how you felt when the incident happened, what you were thinking, and what you were doing at the time.  Usually what you were doing is what you still do to solve problems, even though you are probably a lot older and “wiser.”  Sometime we refer to this part of the memory as what you were deciding (even though you weren’t aware you were making any decisions at the time).  Memories that begin with, “I remember one time….” work better than memories that start with, “We always used to………..”

Here are some examples:  A woman was feeling constantly unsettled about where she lived and thought it might be time to move, even though the thought of moving was scary.  She was stuck in this emotional place for over a year.  One day she asked herself what her memory was.  Immediately, she pictured a time when she was 11 and her mother was yelling at her father asking where the check was.  He was yelling back, telling her not to be a nag and that the money would be there tomorrow.  She felt scared and worried and unhappy that her parents were fighting.  She decided that her father was right and that her mother was over-reacting and that she’d never behave like her mother.  When she examined what the memory was about, she realized that she didn’t want to live outside her means because she believed it could lead to the kind of problems her parents had.  Since she was living outside her means and raiding her savings, she decided it was time to start looking for a new place.  Though she still had moments of fear, the need to live within her means was much stronger than her worries about change and the unknown.  She felt relieved and had direction for the first time in over a year.

In another instance, a couple was arguing over redecorating their home.  The husband was a designer and felt angry that his wife didn’t take his word for what needed to be done.  She was panicked, thinking that his suggestions might not work out the way he predicted.  The argument was going in circles until she asked herself for  a childhood memory.  She remembered waiting at the mail slot in her living room watching for the mail to come.  When letters would slip through the slot, she’d see her grandmother’s familiar handwriting and be excited knowing that Grandma had sent a letter and that the letter probably contained a stick of gum.  She was 8 years old and felt anticipation and excitement.  She decided that she had to watch closely so that she didn’t miss out on her grandmother’s letters.  As she thought about the memory and how it related to her current issue, she realized that she had to see things and that all the conversations about decorating didn’t substitute for actually physically moving furniture around in different configurations so she could see how the new arrangements would look.  Her husband made the connection, too, and though he hated moving furniture around physically, he knew how important it was to his wife.  She didn’t possess his ability to “move” the pieces around in her mind the way he could.

In another instance,  a woman was struggling over vacation plans, making herself and her family crazy with all her questions and changes.  As she wondered why she was making herself so miserable, she remembered as a kid how her mother catered to her dad, giving in to him even when she didn’t agree.  She realized that she had decided that was her job, so she was catering to her husband by going along with his wishes, but then changing the plans because they didn’t match what she really wanted.  It was no wonder her husband threw up his hands and said, “You always get what you want!”  She realized that it would be okay for her to say (when it was true), “I want my way on this.”  Most of the time she didn’t have such strong feelings and was happy to do what the rest of her family wanted.  By making this change, she experienced much less stress, as did the rest of her family.

In a different case, a client came to me with anxiety attacks and in the course of her work, asked why she was having these awful attacks.  She thought of a childhood memory when she was 8 and her mother had to be hospitalized.  That was very traumatic for her, and she didn’t know why her mom was in the hospital or if and when she’d be coming home.  She decided she couldn’t handle things on her own and was  a lost soul without her mother.  It may seem like a stretch, but with help she realized that she gets into situations with her own children where she feels over her head and her “eight-year-old” who lives inside her is suddenly in charge.  This is terrifying, especially if she’s driving her car with the kids in the backseat.  Even though she’s behind the wheel, her “eight-year-old” is calling the shots, and she’s not even old enough or tall enough to drive.  No wonder she’s filled with anxiety.  Since she had this ah hah, she’s been imagining comforting that little kid within, letting her know that she won’t let her down and that she’ll be there through the tough times and together they’ll work it out.  It’s helping!

This may all seem overly-simplistic or too confusing, but don’t give up.  What is required is making that leap of faith that your memories are more than the stories of your past.  They are also metaphors of how you think, feel, and solve problems today.  The more you work with them, the better you’ll get at unlocking the clues and using them to solve problems.

It’s a hot topic, right?  Don’t get stressed.  Are you stressed?  How do you feel less stress?  Reduce stress!  Live stress-free, and on and on and on.  Here’s a simple explanation of stress.  Think about it.  If you think life should be one way and it is another way, the space in between those two thoughts is called stress.  Different things stress different people and people handle stress in many different ways.  The trick to reducing stress is to narrow the space between the two lines (see video below).  That involves either changing your expectations or changing your life.  Easier said than done, but possible, and it doesn’t take a pill to do it.  What’s wrong with a pill, you ask?  Maybe nothing, but for many of us, we’d prefer to work on the deeper issues rather than medicate ourselves.  We like to know there are choices, which there are!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KA2Cfee_JPA&feature=youtube_gdata

I love this quote and it reminds me of an attitude that I wish parents could adopt when raising teens.  “Biology gives you a brain.  Life turns it into a mind.” (p. 479, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, Picador, 2002.) 

It’s hard to trust that teens will learn and grow from their experiences.  What teens do is often frightening to parents and adults, and they probably only know about a quarter of what is really going on.  I remember doing a workshop for a large group of parents of teens and asked them what they did when they were teens that they hid from their parents.  Many of them climbed out windows in the middle of the night to meet friends, “borrow” the family car, or simply roam around the town.  There was a lot of cow tipping and other acts of mischief, and certainly a fair amount of drug and alcohol abuse and sexual experimentation.  

Often my work with adult clients takes us back to their teen years where I hear stories that would have made my hair curl had I been their parent.  Recently, I asked one such client what he would say to a teen if he had one now, and the following is what he told me.  I thought it was wise and kind and respectful and helpful, yet most of the parents of teens I work with would never consider saying such a thing.  They would prefer to believe that they can micro-manage and control their teens and maintain an illusion of control that they rarely have.

 To my teen, if I had one:  “I will always be your parent but that does not mean I have control over your decisions. In fact I know that I have no control over your decisions and that you are going to do whatever you chose to do despite what I tell you, good or bad. I will always try to be there to offer support, to help guide you through your decisions and to give you my own personal perspective on what is right and wrong but ultimately it is your life to live, not mine. You have the power to make your own decisions and so will YOU have the responsibility of living with the consequences of those decisions, good and bad, not me. Very soon you will be an adult and the weight of that responsibility will be all your own, not mine. I will go on making my own choices for my own life and I will not be defined or dictated by the choices you will make in yours. In the end, I will one day be gone, and when you look back on your life you will either have the pleasure of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices or the anguish of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices.”

 Kyle also sent this with permission for me to publish it on my blog with his name attached. 

 A Walk On the Side of My Youth  by Kyle Gentry Kushner

I can smell the innocence in the air…

Before a face worn

I walked the streets of my youth

We drew a line where the sidewalks would end

We drew a line where youth would begin

In the twinkling night we’d see stars fall

and the lights from the cars trail by

Through the alleys we’d roam enhancing our minds

Free, under a twilight sky
Now night falls

As I still walk

Listening to the voices of my past

The friends I once knew

and these sidewalks that grew

Would take our innocence too fast

A client wrote: “I’m really glad you made that comment about encouragement means you help some one get up when they fall, not micro manage things so they never fall again.”

 She went on to say, “It’s providing a lot to think about.  [My husband and I] need to talk about it and analyze what kids are really learning (and failing to learn) when we use punishment.  I’ve been having some epiphanies!  Unfortunately, I think I’m starting to realize in a new way, how it almost ensures that our kids will DO the very things we’re trying to avoid, because if they don’t make the mistake (because we over manage) they miss the opportunity to learn about it and we’ll just stay wrapped in this mire of control and power struggles while they fail to gain experience.  If we force/punish, the focus switches to fighting with us instead of learning from the mistake.  We all lose, both ways!” 

If you think about the word encouragement, it means to put the courage “in.”  When I let my almost 2 year old grandson feed himself at the Mexican restaurant watching rice and beans fall to the floor, his lap, and into my purse, that’s encouragement.  He’s building skills and self-confidence.  When he says, “I need dat knife to cut chips,” I hand it to him so he can cut chips with abandon, practicing his skills.  When he asks to go for a ride on the train and then gets scared and changes his mind, I pick him up, climb into the train and say, “We’ll try it once and if we don’t like it, we won’t go again,” that’s encouragement.  By the time we hit the first tunnel, he’s laughing and saying, “Hello, tunnel.  Bye, bye, tunnel.”  With a little help from me, he’s facing his fears.

 With his older brother, now 6, I created a character named George when he was around two and three.  George was afraid to drive through a tunnel, drive over the “Olden Gate Bridge, aka Golden Gate Bridge” and didn’t want to go to the “Ploratorium, aka Exploratorium in San Francisco.”  The make believe character George had a make believe grandmother who said, “Let’s try it once and if we don’t like it, we won’t do it again.”  George reluctantly said, “Okay, Grandma.”  In the story, George tried all activities and when he finished them, he’d say to his Grandma, “THAT WAS FUN! LET’S DO IT AGAIN!!”  This was enough to encourage the then two and three year old grandson to do the same.  

I’d forgotten about George until recently my grandson asked, “Grandma, what would George say about what to do when someone at school picks on him?”  Not only did “George” help build courage when he was a toddler, he also made enough of an impression that he’s been revived to help figure out current dilemmas.

If you’re feeling down and hopeless or helpless or think you’re not good enough, you can give yourself a hand up.  Tell yourself that this down time isn’t forever and that being human is about loving yourself in spite of your flaws and imperfections.  Remind yourself that it’s always okay to make mistakes and that you can try again.   Look at your progress and what you have instead of what you haven’t accomplished yet.  And give yourself a hug, while patting yourself and saying, “There, there, there; it’ll all be okay!”

My day just got better.  The army announced (in my morning newspaper) that they will be training soldiers in hopes of averting suicide and depression.  The method they will be using “seeks to defuse or expose common habits of thinking and flawed beliefs that can lead to anger and frustration.”  They call the program emotional resiliency training.  When a group of sargeants were asked if they thought the training was too touch feely one replied, “I believe so, sir.”  I think that sargeant may just end up eating those words.  According to the article, the training is based on the ideas of Dr. Aaron Beck and the late Albert Ellis who found that “mentally disputing unexamined thoughts and assumptions often defuses them.”

Now I must admit that the army didn’t contact me about this training, nor do I really know what the training entails, but based on what I’m reading, it seems like a step in the right direction.  It’s certainly an improvement from deciding every last living soldier has a chemical imbalance and needs to be on anti-depressants.  In my imagination, here’s how I picture the training.  At least, this is what I’d do if I were designing the training, because it is the basis of all the work I do with my clients.

First, I’d teach the soldiers (as I do my clients) that feelings come from thoughts and actions come from feelings.  In other words, you can’t have a feeling without a thought, even if you aren’t aware of the thought, and you can’t have an action without a feeling because actions need energy to drive them and feelings are energy.  Then I’d help them realize that if you want to make a change in your life, you have the most success if you either become aware of your thoughts (both the conscious and subconscious ones) and change them, or you become aware of your actions and change them.  Changing thoughts changes feelings and thus behavior.  Changing behavior changes feelings, and thus thoughts.  These days in our drug crazed word, the focus has been on change feelings with drugs, either prescription or legal substances or illegal substances.  While it may be true that drugs change feelings, they don’t’ necessarily improve a person’s circumstances, at least not as much as working on thoughts or behaviors can.  Finally, I’d help them learn how to discover their thoughts and/or examine new behaviors that are based on mutual respect, empowerment, and courage.

I’m going to write more about this and give examples in future blogs.  For now, I just wanted to celebrate my joy by posting this blog.

There are days that I question if it’s worth my effort to write a blog since it seems to be a spam magnet.  Wading through mountains of spam looking for legitimate comments leaves me feeling discouraged and dirty.  But every now and then someone comments about how much the blog is helping them, and I know it’s worth it.  Some of these comments come directly to me instead of getting posted on the blog.  I’ve saved a few and refer to them now.

The parent of the child I spoke about in the attachment parenting gone wrong piece wrote:  “First, GREAT blog post on (my) attachment parenting. [I sort of goofed] and I’m gonna turn it around and really work on empowering [my kid] so that she has the tools she needs to become a courageous and confident kid. Thanks for opening the window shades for me on that one.”

Later she wrote:  “I just want to bring you up to date on my kid: she’s been sleeping on her own at her Dad’s because as expected, he’s sticking to his guns by not letting her sleep in the same bed as him even for that “couple minutes” until she falls asleep. She’s been sleeping on the floor next to him in a sleeping bag. Every night she’s been at his place she’s called me by 8:30 (bedtime) crying, saying she misses me, and we talk through her fears and why she’s crying.  Well, yesterday afternoon I reminded her she’d be with Dad that night, and asked if there was anything special from my place she wanted to take for bedtime; she thought about it and decided on one of her favorite dolls. It was about 8:30 and I hadn’t heard from her and was glad….I decided to call over there and ended up just leaving a message because I really wanted to tell her that “I know you can do it” and “I have all the confidence in the world in you!” — after reading your blog post I knew that what I needed to do was encourage her so that she can start building her courageous muscle.  Well, this morning I received a call from her — “I”m returning your call from last night Mommy, and wanted to tell you that I did it! I slept on my own all night and didn’t even cry”.  I’m so proud of her!!”

The other day I got this about the podcast on attachment parenting that Jane Nelsen and I did.  “Finally got a chance to listen to the audio recording between you and Jane on attachment parenting. I loved it, what another eye opener for me. The truth is I’ve been doing certain things all these years and having no idea the impact I’m having. Thank you so much for this Lynn, I can’t even tell you. And thanks to Jane too. The tips at the end are great, what a great ending point for this recording, so you don’t leave us helpless with no information on how to turn it around and back on track. It’s just wonderful, powerful, I’m so grateful.

I hope you two do more of these…I hope the attachment parenting one is the beginning of many. It was such a natural recording between the two of you, citing Adlerian philosophies, your questions to her and her answers, your agreement on what each other was saying, and expanding on ideas you each had.  SO COOL!”

I wouldn’t do what I do unless I thought I was making a difference in the lives of those I work with.  The feedback helps.  Here is one of the nicest ways someone found to let me know that the work I do helps.  I appreciate it for two reasons:  one is that I want to do more phone therapy and this client was very reluctant to have a session by phone but was willing to give it a try; and two, the song she sent says everything I could wish for in my work.   Who could ask for more?!

“I think the ability to do the phone thing is just all you.  I usually hate the phone, but as always, enjoyed our discussion. 

Thanks also for the compliments.  -I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.  -Heard that cheesy song from the “Wicked” musical called “For Good”?  The beginning verse starts off:

I’ve heard it said
that people come into our lives
for a reason
bringing something we must learn
and we are led to those
who help us most to grow
if we let them
and we help them in return
Well I don’t know if I believe that’s true
but I know I’m who I am today because I knew you
like a comet pulled from orbit
as it passes a sun
like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood
well, who’s to say if I’ve been changed for the better?
Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good.

I know, I’m all cheese, but it’s probably the theater in me…I have a flare for the overly dramatic.  Although the only difference is that I KNOW I’ve been changed for the better because of you.  So THANK YOU!”

If you were a mouse in the corner of my office, here’s something you might see and hear on a typical day.  Since a typical day is about 7 hours and every client is different, you’ll have to use your imagination or wait for updates for more client stories.

The first client I’m writing about is the poster child for what happens when parents take the popular notions about attachment too seriously.  The attachment parenting I’m referring to is very different from the basic concept of the therapy I practice which accepts that the two most important needs humans have is to belong and to feel significant.  The first place humans feel love and attachment is in their family of origin.  I am not suggesting that feeling attached (belonging) and loved (significance) is unimportant.  I am concerned about the wave of parenting advice that encourages parents to never let their child our of their sight, to make sure they never feel sadness, pain, etc., and that it is the parent’s job to do whatever is necessary to make the child feel secure and loved.  There are a few flaws in this theory.  I’ll touch on a couple. 

 First, children are always making decisions about what is happening to them.  They think and decide even before they have language, and they may not be deciding what the parent is thinking they are deciding.  All that contact and attention might be inviting the child to think, “I can’t handle things myself and need someone to intervene for me,” or “I’m not capable.”  In addition to that, children need to feel their feelings—all of them, and then get help from their parents about constructive and respectful ways to deal with their feelings.  There’s nothing wrong with feelings.  The problem is usually the behavioral solutions that follow feelings.  Starting children out from birth with the notion that half of their feelings are inappropriate or dangerous is a sure fire way to limit their ability to solve problems or role with life’s ups and downs as they grow up. 

 You’ll see the result of this style of parenting when you hear about my client, a nine year old who has been sent by her single parent with the following instructions (my words, not mom’s).  “Lynn, can you fix the following?  I’m worried about my daughter and want her to be less anxious and happier.  Here are some of the problems:  she won’t let me out of her sight; she sleeps in my bed and won’t sleep in her own room; she follows me everywhere; she cries often because she’s worried the people she loves might die; and she cried most of the night when she stayed with a relative.” 

 I’m expecting a frail, pathetic kid to show up at my door, but instead, in walks an adorable, cheery kid who has agreed to see me because it’s important to her parent.  I start by telling her that Mom is worried about her and that she wrote me a letter with her concerns.  My client asks me to tell her what Mom wrote, so one by one we go through the concerns.  She explains that Mom doesn’t have it quite right and goes on to clarify that her biggest concern is that someone might break into the house and kidnap her like what happened in her community many years ago to Polly Klaus.  That’s why she didn’t want to sleep at her relative’s house, because the guest room was next to the front door.  That’s why she follows her mom everywhere.  She’s not afraid about her Mom getting hurt; she’s worried that if her Mom is in a different part of the house or outside, the bad guy can come and get her and no one will be there to help her.  She’s taken a martial arts class, but she’s sure she’s not strong enough to really fight off an intruder.  She lives in constant fear of being abducted.

 As she’s talking, I’m thinking that as tough and strong as this kid looks, she’s short on confidence.  She’s smart and thoughtful and extremely verbal, but she lacks courage.  Could this be because she’s been completely over-protected all of her life?  That would be  my guess.  Courage is a muscle that needs to be exercised, and it needs a parent’s help.  I make a mental note to talk to Mom to find out what her beliefs are and why she is so worried about her daughter and so protective.  But in the meantime, I’ve got to work with who’s in front of me.  Hopefully, she’ll be easier to empower than her mom.

 Usually the big issues change with small steps, so that’s where we begin.  I tell her about my fears about my kids when they were off on their big adventures around the world river rafting and traveling through third world countries.  I didn’t want to put bad energy into their paths by thinking negatively, so I figured out that I could imagine throwing a golden net over them that would keep them safe.  I told her that so far this imaginary net has kept my kids safe for over fifteen years, and that it’s amazing how powerful our imagination can be.  I suggested that she might think of something to keep her safe. 

 She countered with a sigh of relief and a big grin and told me that she did that a few days ago.  She had taken a field trip to the Science Academy and seen the albino alligator.  She figured out that she could create a crew of albino alligators who in her imagination would surround her bed.  They wouldn’t hurt her, just attack unfamiliar intruders.  I congratulated her for being so clever and told her I was sure that those alligators would work as well or better than my golden net.  She seemed relieved.  

 My imaginary golden net is what keeps me sane.  My kids are safe and strong because of the millions of opportunities they’ve had from birth on to make small mistakes and learn from them and to have room to try things out and build their courage muscle.  Now my client has just made her first decision about self-care instead of hoping someone could fix things for her.  Her albino alligators are her first steps to empowerment.

 Next, she told me that her mom won’t let her have a sleepover with a friend until she can sleep in her own bed.  I asked if it was okay if I disagreed with her mom about that and she said it was fine (another empowerment step).  So I suggested that courage was a muscle, and if she was willing to sleep at a friends, that would exercise her courage and she could worry about getting out of her mom’s bed at another time.  I told her I’d mention this to her mom if it was okay with her and she gave me permission to talk to her mom. 

 What came out next was that her mom wouldn’t redecorate her room (something we had talked about almost a year ago) until she got out of her mom’s bed.  Again, I said I disagreed and she was anxious to hear my opinion.  I explained that I believe very strongly that all kids should be able to pick out the color their rooms are painted and decide within reason what to put up on their walls.  Since a person’s room was something used all day long, it didn’t matter where they slept during the night.  I suggested the redecorating start immediately, and again, with her permission, I told her I’d talk this over with her mom.  My thinking is that as she is able to make more decisions about the small things that affect her life, the more she’ll build her confidence.

We also talked about how she controls and manipulates her mom by crying or being scared and how her mom won’t follow through on her threats to get her out of mom’s bed if she cries.  She knows this, but it helps to verbalize it and let her know she’s “the mom” when it comes to this decision.  She’s not comfortable with that, so maybe that awareness will help her move forward; maybe not.  Step by step.

 Later I spoke to her mom who thought that withholding the overnights and redecorating would help her daughter take the step to sleep in her own room.  I suggested that since she’s been trying that for a year with no results, it might be a time to shift gears and move into plan B.  It will be a lot easier to send her daughter off on a sleepover or repaint her room and let her daughter start making decisions about color and wall art, than to get her daughter out of her bed.

living the dream in your fast food nation
giving your hard earned cash to the major corperations               
you work nine to five, just to stay alive
your life takes a dive, as the rich folks thrive
 
it’s like a giant game of monopoly
‘cept you go to jail longer and the parkings not free
rights are just privleges if they can be taken away
“freedom” doesn’t exist in the US of A
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
 
healthcare and hospitals turning people away
all because of of their inability to pay
they’ll leave you there to suffer and die
as the CEO’s joke and all the families cry
 
they kill innocent people in other countries/ overseas
to pay off and kiss ass to oil companies
for coperate funding and endorsement in the next election
man, money gives some mother fuckers a serious erection
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
  
Yes, teens are rebellious.  Yes, teens see the world in black and white.  And yes, teens can be extremely critical of their “elders.”  But this poem touched my heart and made me wonder how many teens feel so let down and disillusioned by the world they live in.  It made me want to know what teens who are this upset and discouraged might be deciding to do about this “messed up” world they live in.  Will they give up in despair, figuring it’s all too hopeless and impossible to change?  Will they strike back, causing chaos and revenge, striking out at others who they will “blame” for this state of affairs?  Will they punish themselves with drugs and alcohol, figuring the whole thing is meaningless, so why even bother?  Will they write amazing poetry and songs to alert their peers and the rest of us to this dismal view of our world, hoping to get our attention so we can do something to make things better?  What kind of encouragement do they need?

Sure, I know some of you are thinking, ”We walked to school barefoot through the snow to get to school and worked meaingless jobs for 5 cents an hour to have spending money when we were kids.  We never sassed the adults or questioned their veracity.  So why don’t these kids appreciate all they have and stop blaming and casting stones?” Personally, I think we need to listen and find ways to let them know we hear them and with their help, find ways to bridge the gap.  My hope is that they won’t give up on us or themselves, and that they’ll find ways to make positive contributions that will help our world small step by small step.

In the weeks to come, I’m going to be having conversations with the author of this poem.  If I can figure out the logistics, I’ll tape and then upload our conversations so you can listen to them if you like.  I have his permission, so all I’m missing is confidence in my own technical expertise.  Cross your fingers for me!

In this day of diagnoses, I guess I’d rate at the very least opositional defiant.  I prefer to think of myself as someone who marches to my own drummer and will only follow rules that make sense to me.  I was born upside down and backwards, and have been spending a lifetime trying to get folks to see the world from my point of view.  When I’m successful, I’m not oppositional at all. 

Many years ago our office of therapists decided to do a “ropes” course together, sometimes known as an adventure challenge course.  I couldn’t have been more excited and wanted to try everything out.  There was an activity with some sort of mesh type trampoline.  The instructions were given for all of us to line up on the side of the trampoline.  I rushed to the side as instructed, waiting for everyone else to join me, and couldn’t understand why the rest of our group (around 10 people) were all standing on the other side.   It never occured to me that I was the one who mis-heard the directions and not them.  I wasn’t trying to be opositional and actually thought I was doing as instructed, but the group was so used to me having a different point of view that, to this day, I think they still believed I was goofing off and trying to be difficult.

When I met my husband Hal, I told him that I was like a wild horse.  If someone tried to fence me in, I’d jump the fence to escape.  If they left me to my own devices, I’d be joining everyone else most of the time because it’s what I prefer.  Hal has been the best at never fencing me in.  Ahhh, how I wish I were as good at extending the kindness back to him, but alas, he’s much nicer than I am.

You may be wondering why I’m writing this and what’s my point.  Well, obviously, I may be breaking a few rules that don’t make sense to me.  The rules make so little sense, I’m not even sure what they are, but I’m intent on being my own person and doing what in my mind is the right thing.  It’s taken a lot of years, but I accept who I am and hope that my differences have added more to the world than they’ve taken away.  Or at least I’d like to think so!  And I wish for all those kids who march to their own drummer that folks stop building “fences” to hold them back and have some faith that they want to belong and contribute in spite of their difference.