It’s a hot topic, right? Don’t get stressed. Are you stressed? How do you feel less stress? Reduce stress! Live stress-free, and on and on and on. Here’s a simple explanation of stress. Think about it. If you think life should be one way and it is another way, the space in between those two thoughts is called stress. Different things stress different people and people handle stress in many different ways. The trick to reducing stress is to narrow the space between the two lines (see video below). That involves either changing your expectations or changing your life. Easier said than done, but possible, and it doesn’t take a pill to do it. What’s wrong with a pill, you ask? Maybe nothing, but for many of us, we’d prefer to work on the deeper issues rather than medicate ourselves. We like to know there are choices, which there are!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KA2Cfee_JPA&feature=youtube_gdata
What is stress?
“I think I’m having a nervous breakdown!”
A client came to see me because he was experiencing what he called “a nervous breakdown.” We talked about what had triggered his panicked feelings and about his unmet expectations of himself and others and how the difference between his beliefs about how life should be and how life was were tearing him apart. He has always looked at depression as a biological event, but after our work together and his processing it, he’s came to find the power of his internal belief system and noticed the problems his old thinking caused.
I asked if I could publish his conclusions in my blog as I think what he came to could help others. He agreed saying, “You may definitely use it if you think it will be helpful; after all, it’s just a reflection of your great work.” What a charmer!
These days it’s too easy to look at problems in life as an illness with a corresponding pill to correct things. But the insight work this client did with his list of suggestions to himself will serve him well and get his life back. He’s gone the anti-depressant route for years without ever working on his deeper issues, so nothing really changed. If he reminds himself of his 4 conclusions and practices them, I expect that he’ll experience lasting change and a richer life. I hope blog readers can benefit from his work, too.
“Thanks Lynn. As you might expect, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and what I’ve been going through and trying to make sense of it. I wanted to share my thinking with you to see if you think I’m on the right track. I’m a bit desperate to make conclusions/meanings, but don’t want to replace old bad conceptions with new bad ones. Here’s my current thinking:
1. Accept myself for who I am. I have been feeling like I can’t be successful while still being me, because I am not good enough. This has led me to push myself beyond my limits to be something I am not and has totally stressed me out. If I can be aware of this underlying insecurity and calm my inner critic, I think that might be a good direction to start with.
2. Establish healthy boundaries. This seems like the practical implementation of accepting myself, i.e. by asking for what I want/need and saying no to what I am not comfortable with, I can protect myself from unduly stressful situations. I really see now how I routinely give up my boundaries because I want so badly to be accepted.
3. Resist obsessive thinking. I never really realized it before, but if I look back on my life, I have always obsessed on some external desire as the basis of my happiness: success in sports, drugs, girlfriends, school, nature, and now work. Just living in the moment and putting one foot in front of the other is really hard for me, but the obsessing has always deprived me of the real joys in life: family, friendships, and simple appreciations.”
4. Resist grandiose and catastrophic thinking. I honestly have felt it is my duty to save the world from itself, and that I could be some kind of pivotal hero (like John Muir or Aldo Leopold). When reality hits me, I fall flat on my face and feel like a worthless piece of shit. And, as you noted, make great big meanings out of isolated events (e.g. I failed a test, therefore I will never amount to anything). I think this more than anything is what I am going through when I feel “depressed”. Monitoring my thought processes, and stopping myself was a good suggestion.”
What would you say to your teen…
I love this quote and it reminds me of an attitude that I wish parents could adopt when raising teens. “Biology gives you a brain. Life turns it into a mind.” (p. 479, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, Picador, 2002.)
It’s hard to trust that teens will learn and grow from their experiences. What teens do is often frightening to parents and adults, and they probably only know about a quarter of what is really going on. I remember doing a workshop for a large group of parents of teens and asked them what they did when they were teens that they hid from their parents. Many of them climbed out windows in the middle of the night to meet friends, “borrow” the family car, or simply roam around the town. There was a lot of cow tipping and other acts of mischief, and certainly a fair amount of drug and alcohol abuse and sexual experimentation.
Often my work with adult clients takes us back to their teen years where I hear stories that would have made my hair curl had I been their parent. Recently, I asked one such client what he would say to a teen if he had one now, and the following is what he told me. I thought it was wise and kind and respectful and helpful, yet most of the parents of teens I work with would never consider saying such a thing. They would prefer to believe that they can micro-manage and control their teens and maintain an illusion of control that they rarely have.
To my teen, if I had one: “I will always be your parent but that does not mean I have control over your decisions. In fact I know that I have no control over your decisions and that you are going to do whatever you chose to do despite what I tell you, good or bad. I will always try to be there to offer support, to help guide you through your decisions and to give you my own personal perspective on what is right and wrong but ultimately it is your life to live, not mine. You have the power to make your own decisions and so will YOU have the responsibility of living with the consequences of those decisions, good and bad, not me. Very soon you will be an adult and the weight of that responsibility will be all your own, not mine. I will go on making my own choices for my own life and I will not be defined or dictated by the choices you will make in yours. In the end, I will one day be gone, and when you look back on your life you will either have the pleasure of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices or the anguish of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices.”
Kyle also sent this with permission for me to publish it on my blog with his name attached.
A Walk On the Side of My Youth by Kyle Gentry Kushner
I can smell the innocence in the air…
Before a face worn
I walked the streets of my youth
We drew a line where the sidewalks would end
We drew a line where youth would begin
In the twinkling night we’d see stars fall
and the lights from the cars trail by
Through the alleys we’d roam enhancing our minds
Free, under a twilight sky
Now night falls
As I still walk
Listening to the voices of my past
The friends I once knew
and these sidewalks that grew
Would take our innocence too fast
Road Trip 2008
When does a trip begin? Every Autumn I have to tie myself to my chair to keep from hitting the road. It’s my favorite time of year, and it’s also the time of year that marks the anniversary of the time our family took off from our secure life in Minnesota to find a new place to live. I was 30, feeling bogged down by other people’s expectations that we have more kids, buy a bigger house, get more expensive furniture, and obtain all the trappings of a middle class life. My life felt planned by others, and I wanted to write my own story. On a whim, we decided to sell everything we owned and look for a new place to live. We sold our home, all of our earthly possessions (we did hold on to my grandmother’s cookie sheets), and hit the road. The plan was as uncomplicated as “let’s follow the fall.” We had enough money from the sale of our house to travel for 6 months if we only spent $10/day, not counting gas. We saved a couple thousand dollars for a down payment on a new home when the time came. It was a great trip. We traveled 23,000 miles in 7 months and ended up in California, the last place on earth we thought we’d live.
Now it’s 35 years later, and every fall for at least the last 10 years, I’ve been ready to “follow the fall.” But instead of taking off, I’ve given in to my sense of responsibility and stuck around to work, pay bills, take care of grandkids, settle into our homes in Tahoe and Florida. It’s always surprising to me what the turning point will be (more…)