Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

 A client came to see me because he was experiencing what he called “a nervous breakdown.”  We talked about what had triggered his panicked feelings and about his unmet expectations of himself and others and how the difference between his beliefs about how life should be and how life was were tearing him apart.  He has always looked at depression as a biological event, but after our work together and his processing it, he’s came to find the power of his internal belief system and noticed the problems his old thinking caused. 

 I asked if I could publish his conclusions in my blog as I think what he came to could help others.  He agreed saying, “You may definitely use it if you think it will be helpful; after all, it’s just a reflection of your great work.”  What a charmer!

 These days it’s too easy to look at problems in life as an illness with a corresponding pill to correct things.  But the insight work this client did with his list of suggestions to himself will serve him well and get his life back.  He’s gone the anti-depressant route for years without ever working on his deeper issues, so nothing really changed.  If he reminds himself of his 4 conclusions and practices them, I expect that he’ll experience lasting change and a richer life.  I hope blog readers can benefit from his work, too.

 “Thanks Lynn.  As you might expect, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and what I’ve been going through and trying to make sense of it.  I wanted to share my thinking with you to see if you think I’m on the right track.  I’m a bit desperate to make conclusions/meanings, but don’t want to replace old bad conceptions with new bad ones.  Here’s my current thinking:

 1.  Accept myself for who I am.  I have been feeling like I can’t be successful while still being me, because I am not good enough.  This has led me to push myself beyond my limits to be something I am not and has totally stressed me out.  If I can be aware of this underlying insecurity and calm my inner critic, I think that might be a good direction to start with.

 2.  Establish healthy boundaries.  This seems like the practical implementation of accepting myself, i.e. by asking for what I want/need and saying no to what I am not comfortable with, I can protect myself from unduly stressful situations.  I really see now how I routinely give up my boundaries because I want so badly to be accepted.

 3.  Resist obsessive thinking.  I never really realized it before, but if I look back on my life, I have always obsessed on some external desire as the basis of my happiness: success in sports, drugs, girlfriends, school, nature, and now work.  Just living in the moment and putting one foot in front of the other is really hard for me, but the obsessing has always deprived me of the real joys in life: family, friendships, and simple appreciations.”

 4.  Resist grandiose and catastrophic thinking.  I honestly have felt it is my duty to save the world from itself, and that I could be some kind of pivotal hero (like John Muir or Aldo Leopold).  When reality hits me, I fall flat on my face and feel like a worthless piece of shit.  And, as you noted, make great big meanings out of isolated events (e.g. I failed a test, therefore I will never amount to anything).  I think this more than anything is what I am going through when I feel “depressed”.  Monitoring my thought processes, and stopping myself was a good suggestion.”

There are two parts to this recording as we got cut off part way through.  rec_dylanparta_20_Jul_2009_13_01_19

rec_dylanpartb_20_Jul_2009_13_11_25 

In part a Dylan talks about a pending felony charge against him and how this incident is helping him step up his game and do some things to improve his life and look better for the court.  We also talked about how angry he is and I attempted helping him identify what he’s angry about by doing an activity called the 10 Fingers of Anger.  Dylan is able to talk about some things that he’s angry about and what he does when he gets angry.  Given how much he represses his feelings or acts them out inappropriately, this was a good start.

 In part b, we continued talking about anger and reviewed information that can help Dylan understand more about his personality (and his Mom’s) and how he deals with anger.  Dylan talked about piercing himself when he’s angry, and I wish I had pursued this more given what happened after our session.  We made a date for another session, but this ended up being our last session, even though Dylan said that the sessions are helpful. 

When I called Dylan for our next appointment on the 29^th as we had agreed, he didn’t answer the phone.  I left a message and later that night, I got an email from his mom saying that the week had been very tough, Dylan had done a lot of drinking, and that he had been cutting himself, something I had not heard before, though Dylan did speak of putting a safety pin through his nose when he was angry.  Sounds like a real nightmare fueled with alcohol and perhaps other drugs.  Dylan’s drinking is clearly out of control and his behavior when he is under the influence is far different from the laughing, cynical but sweet boy on our recordings.  His mom was beside herself with worry and upset.

The next day Dylan’s mom wrote again saying Dylan was home safe and sober and feeling good.   I asked Mom to give Dylan my number so that he could call me if he wanted to do some more work.  A couple weeks later Mom wrote that she hadn’t given Dylan my number yet and that she was “taking her house back” and working on getting Dylan registered at the junior college and dealing with the assault charges.  The court appointed lawyer was working on getting the charges dropped as all evidence showed no willful or malicious conduct on Dylan’s part.  Mom said she’d be in touch when the court problem was over.

You may simply want to listen to this session and come to your own conclusions.  If so, click on the link and read no farther.  rec_dylan_25_Jun_2009_15_35_23

This was a very tough session. On the one hand, Dylan says he wants to be in therapy, but his actions are those of constant resistance.  I asked Dylan why he would want to talk with me since he loves his life so much.  He reminds me that he’s doing this to help me, which I appreciate, but I suggest that we both want to get something out of this so it’s not one-sided.  (We’re interrupted by the news that Michael Jackson died, which means that Dylan is probably watching TV while we talk.)

When asked what he’d like to talk about, Dylan said that he didn’t have a clue, so I gave a lot of choices and Dylan told me to pick one and surprise him.  I asked, “How will your life be at 22,” to which he replied that he can’t think 5 minutes ahead.  I pushed and asked, “Where do you see yourself living at 22?  Is your current lifestyle what you aspire to?”  Dylan tells me he’d like to learn to live without money and be a vagabond.  I’m not sure if this is the magical thinking of a teen’s rebellion against adult or societal values, or if he’s pulling my leg.

 The conversation about money leads to how much the times were better when Dylan and his family lived with Grandma which began when he was 9.  When she died they were homeless.  Before that, Dylan spent time skate boarding, riding bikes, hanging out, and building a tree house with his dad. (more…)

Best laid plans and all that…this session didn’t get taped.  I got stuck trying to figure out the internal microphone and hadn’t bought a headset yet.  Dylan was unruffled which helped.  In fact Dylan is a live and let live guy most of the time, but when he’s not, well, you’ll see.  But since this was my first session with Dylan, I’ll highlight what we talked about during our hour. 

Dylan told me about his recent hospitalization from April 10 to May 30.  He had a bacterial infection that shut down all of his systems.  He lost all muscle memory and had to relearn to talk, walk, eat, and more.  He faced his own immortality which according to him has made him into a hypochondriac now.  Even a little sore throat freaks him out, which is only natural.  Most people would find a trauma like this to be life-altering.  For Dylan, it didn’t seem to interrupt his path of defiance, anger, and teenage acting out.  (more…)

There are days that I question if it’s worth my effort to write a blog since it seems to be a spam magnet.  Wading through mountains of spam looking for legitimate comments leaves me feeling discouraged and dirty.  But every now and then someone comments about how much the blog is helping them, and I know it’s worth it.  Some of these comments come directly to me instead of getting posted on the blog.  I’ve saved a few and refer to them now.

The parent of the child I spoke about in the attachment parenting gone wrong piece wrote:  “First, GREAT blog post on (my) attachment parenting. [I sort of goofed] and I’m gonna turn it around and really work on empowering [my kid] so that she has the tools she needs to become a courageous and confident kid. Thanks for opening the window shades for me on that one.”

Later she wrote:  “I just want to bring you up to date on my kid: she’s been sleeping on her own at her Dad’s because as expected, he’s sticking to his guns by not letting her sleep in the same bed as him even for that “couple minutes” until she falls asleep. She’s been sleeping on the floor next to him in a sleeping bag. Every night she’s been at his place she’s called me by 8:30 (bedtime) crying, saying she misses me, and we talk through her fears and why she’s crying.  Well, yesterday afternoon I reminded her she’d be with Dad that night, and asked if there was anything special from my place she wanted to take for bedtime; she thought about it and decided on one of her favorite dolls. It was about 8:30 and I hadn’t heard from her and was glad….I decided to call over there and ended up just leaving a message because I really wanted to tell her that “I know you can do it” and “I have all the confidence in the world in you!” — after reading your blog post I knew that what I needed to do was encourage her so that she can start building her courageous muscle.  Well, this morning I received a call from her — “I”m returning your call from last night Mommy, and wanted to tell you that I did it! I slept on my own all night and didn’t even cry”.  I’m so proud of her!!”

The other day I got this about the podcast on attachment parenting that Jane Nelsen and I did.  “Finally got a chance to listen to the audio recording between you and Jane on attachment parenting. I loved it, what another eye opener for me. The truth is I’ve been doing certain things all these years and having no idea the impact I’m having. Thank you so much for this Lynn, I can’t even tell you. And thanks to Jane too. The tips at the end are great, what a great ending point for this recording, so you don’t leave us helpless with no information on how to turn it around and back on track. It’s just wonderful, powerful, I’m so grateful.

I hope you two do more of these…I hope the attachment parenting one is the beginning of many. It was such a natural recording between the two of you, citing Adlerian philosophies, your questions to her and her answers, your agreement on what each other was saying, and expanding on ideas you each had.  SO COOL!”

If you were a mouse in the corner of my office, here’s something you might see and hear on a typical day.  Since a typical day is about 7 hours and every client is different, you’ll have to use your imagination or wait for updates for more client stories.

The first client I’m writing about is the poster child for what happens when parents take the popular notions about attachment too seriously.  The attachment parenting I’m referring to is very different from the basic concept of the therapy I practice which accepts that the two most important needs humans have is to belong and to feel significant.  The first place humans feel love and attachment is in their family of origin.  I am not suggesting that feeling attached (belonging) and loved (significance) is unimportant.  I am concerned about the wave of parenting advice that encourages parents to never let their child our of their sight, to make sure they never feel sadness, pain, etc., and that it is the parent’s job to do whatever is necessary to make the child feel secure and loved.  There are a few flaws in this theory.  I’ll touch on a couple. 

 First, children are always making decisions about what is happening to them.  They think and decide even before they have language, and they may not be deciding what the parent is thinking they are deciding.  All that contact and attention might be inviting the child to think, “I can’t handle things myself and need someone to intervene for me,” or “I’m not capable.”  In addition to that, children need to feel their feelings—all of them, and then get help from their parents about constructive and respectful ways to deal with their feelings.  There’s nothing wrong with feelings.  The problem is usually the behavioral solutions that follow feelings.  Starting children out from birth with the notion that half of their feelings are inappropriate or dangerous is a sure fire way to limit their ability to solve problems or role with life’s ups and downs as they grow up. 

 You’ll see the result of this style of parenting when you hear about my client, a nine year old who has been sent by her single parent with the following instructions (my words, not mom’s).  “Lynn, can you fix the following?  I’m worried about my daughter and want her to be less anxious and happier.  Here are some of the problems:  she won’t let me out of her sight; she sleeps in my bed and won’t sleep in her own room; she follows me everywhere; she cries often because she’s worried the people she loves might die; and she cried most of the night when she stayed with a relative.” 

 I’m expecting a frail, pathetic kid to show up at my door, but instead, in walks an adorable, cheery kid who has agreed to see me because it’s important to her parent.  I start by telling her that Mom is worried about her and that she wrote me a letter with her concerns.  My client asks me to tell her what Mom wrote, so one by one we go through the concerns.  She explains that Mom doesn’t have it quite right and goes on to clarify that her biggest concern is that someone might break into the house and kidnap her like what happened in her community many years ago to Polly Klaus.  That’s why she didn’t want to sleep at her relative’s house, because the guest room was next to the front door.  That’s why she follows her mom everywhere.  She’s not afraid about her Mom getting hurt; she’s worried that if her Mom is in a different part of the house or outside, the bad guy can come and get her and no one will be there to help her.  She’s taken a martial arts class, but she’s sure she’s not strong enough to really fight off an intruder.  She lives in constant fear of being abducted.

 As she’s talking, I’m thinking that as tough and strong as this kid looks, she’s short on confidence.  She’s smart and thoughtful and extremely verbal, but she lacks courage.  Could this be because she’s been completely over-protected all of her life?  That would be  my guess.  Courage is a muscle that needs to be exercised, and it needs a parent’s help.  I make a mental note to talk to Mom to find out what her beliefs are and why she is so worried about her daughter and so protective.  But in the meantime, I’ve got to work with who’s in front of me.  Hopefully, she’ll be easier to empower than her mom.

 Usually the big issues change with small steps, so that’s where we begin.  I tell her about my fears about my kids when they were off on their big adventures around the world river rafting and traveling through third world countries.  I didn’t want to put bad energy into their paths by thinking negatively, so I figured out that I could imagine throwing a golden net over them that would keep them safe.  I told her that so far this imaginary net has kept my kids safe for over fifteen years, and that it’s amazing how powerful our imagination can be.  I suggested that she might think of something to keep her safe. 

 She countered with a sigh of relief and a big grin and told me that she did that a few days ago.  She had taken a field trip to the Science Academy and seen the albino alligator.  She figured out that she could create a crew of albino alligators who in her imagination would surround her bed.  They wouldn’t hurt her, just attack unfamiliar intruders.  I congratulated her for being so clever and told her I was sure that those alligators would work as well or better than my golden net.  She seemed relieved.  

 My imaginary golden net is what keeps me sane.  My kids are safe and strong because of the millions of opportunities they’ve had from birth on to make small mistakes and learn from them and to have room to try things out and build their courage muscle.  Now my client has just made her first decision about self-care instead of hoping someone could fix things for her.  Her albino alligators are her first steps to empowerment.

 Next, she told me that her mom won’t let her have a sleepover with a friend until she can sleep in her own bed.  I asked if it was okay if I disagreed with her mom about that and she said it was fine (another empowerment step).  So I suggested that courage was a muscle, and if she was willing to sleep at a friends, that would exercise her courage and she could worry about getting out of her mom’s bed at another time.  I told her I’d mention this to her mom if it was okay with her and she gave me permission to talk to her mom. 

 What came out next was that her mom wouldn’t redecorate her room (something we had talked about almost a year ago) until she got out of her mom’s bed.  Again, I said I disagreed and she was anxious to hear my opinion.  I explained that I believe very strongly that all kids should be able to pick out the color their rooms are painted and decide within reason what to put up on their walls.  Since a person’s room was something used all day long, it didn’t matter where they slept during the night.  I suggested the redecorating start immediately, and again, with her permission, I told her I’d talk this over with her mom.  My thinking is that as she is able to make more decisions about the small things that affect her life, the more she’ll build her confidence.

We also talked about how she controls and manipulates her mom by crying or being scared and how her mom won’t follow through on her threats to get her out of mom’s bed if she cries.  She knows this, but it helps to verbalize it and let her know she’s “the mom” when it comes to this decision.  She’s not comfortable with that, so maybe that awareness will help her move forward; maybe not.  Step by step.

 Later I spoke to her mom who thought that withholding the overnights and redecorating would help her daughter take the step to sleep in her own room.  I suggested that since she’s been trying that for a year with no results, it might be a time to shift gears and move into plan B.  It will be a lot easier to send her daughter off on a sleepover or repaint her room and let her daughter start making decisions about color and wall art, than to get her daughter out of her bed.

living the dream in your fast food nation
giving your hard earned cash to the major corperations               
you work nine to five, just to stay alive
your life takes a dive, as the rich folks thrive
 
it’s like a giant game of monopoly
‘cept you go to jail longer and the parkings not free
rights are just privleges if they can be taken away
“freedom” doesn’t exist in the US of A
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
 
healthcare and hospitals turning people away
all because of of their inability to pay
they’ll leave you there to suffer and die
as the CEO’s joke and all the families cry
 
they kill innocent people in other countries/ overseas
to pay off and kiss ass to oil companies
for coperate funding and endorsement in the next election
man, money gives some mother fuckers a serious erection
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
  
Yes, teens are rebellious.  Yes, teens see the world in black and white.  And yes, teens can be extremely critical of their “elders.”  But this poem touched my heart and made me wonder how many teens feel so let down and disillusioned by the world they live in.  It made me want to know what teens who are this upset and discouraged might be deciding to do about this “messed up” world they live in.  Will they give up in despair, figuring it’s all too hopeless and impossible to change?  Will they strike back, causing chaos and revenge, striking out at others who they will “blame” for this state of affairs?  Will they punish themselves with drugs and alcohol, figuring the whole thing is meaningless, so why even bother?  Will they write amazing poetry and songs to alert their peers and the rest of us to this dismal view of our world, hoping to get our attention so we can do something to make things better?  What kind of encouragement do they need?

Sure, I know some of you are thinking, ”We walked to school barefoot through the snow to get to school and worked meaingless jobs for 5 cents an hour to have spending money when we were kids.  We never sassed the adults or questioned their veracity.  So why don’t these kids appreciate all they have and stop blaming and casting stones?” Personally, I think we need to listen and find ways to let them know we hear them and with their help, find ways to bridge the gap.  My hope is that they won’t give up on us or themselves, and that they’ll find ways to make positive contributions that will help our world small step by small step.

In the weeks to come, I’m going to be having conversations with the author of this poem.  If I can figure out the logistics, I’ll tape and then upload our conversations so you can listen to them if you like.  I have his permission, so all I’m missing is confidence in my own technical expertise.  Cross your fingers for me!

If you start at the end of this conversation instead of the beginning, you’ll get to hear Katie sing one of her songs.  It’s as interesting and compelling as Katie who openly shares about her switch to Electronic High School and how it came about.  For any of you who have kids struggling with school, you might want to check out this conversation.  Katie is also curious about the meaning of her childhood memories.  We explore one of them and get an excellent picture of Katie’s private logic, or operating system, or set of rules that she uses to figure out her life.  Katie’s joy and curiosity about learning about herself are contageous.  As you listen, perhaps you will want to learn more about yourself using your childhood memories as the path to awareness.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS…SORT OF!

When does a trip begin?  Every Autumn I have to tie myself to my chair to keep from hitting the road.  It’s my favorite time of year, and it’s also the time of year that marks the anniversary of the time our family took off from our secure life in Minnesota to find a new place to live.  I was 30, feeling bogged down by other people’s expectations that we have more kids, buy a bigger house, get more expensive furniture, and obtain all the trappings of a middle class life.  My life felt planned by others, and I wanted to write my own story.  On a whim, we decided to sell everything we owned and look for a new place to live.  We sold our home, all of our earthly possessions (we did hold on to my grandmother’s cookie sheets), and hit the road.  The plan was as uncomplicated as “let’s follow the fall.”  We had enough money from the sale of our house to travel for 6 months if we only spent $10/day, not counting gas.  We saved a couple thousand dollars for a down payment on a new home when the time came.  It was a great trip.  We traveled 23,000 miles in 7 months and ended up in California, the last place on earth we thought we’d live.

Now it’s 35 years later, and every fall for at least the last 10 years, I’ve been ready to “follow the fall.”  But instead of taking off, I’ve given in to my sense of responsibility and stuck around to work, pay bills, take care of grandkids, settle into our homes in Tahoe and Florida.  It’s always surprising to me what the turning point will be (more…)