Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

This might be the first of many posts about the magic of childhood memories.  Then again, it could take another 6 months before I find the time and desire to write again.  This post is about sharing with you one of the most magical and effective tools that you have with you all the time for solving problems.  The tool is your childhood memories.  If you learn to use your memories effectively, you’ll be surprised at how much you can learn about yourself and how much they can help you get unstuck in your current life.

Here’s how it works.  Think of a problem you are currently having that you wish would get better or go away.  Now think of any childhood memory and don’t worry if the memory is related to the problem.  Trust that the first memory you think of is the one that will be filled with magical help you need.  Write down the memory, including your age at the time of the memory, how you felt when the incident happened, what you were thinking, and what you were doing at the time.  Usually what you were doing is what you still do to solve problems, even though you are probably a lot older and “wiser.”  Sometime we refer to this part of the memory as what you were deciding (even though you weren’t aware you were making any decisions at the time).  Memories that begin with, “I remember one time….” work better than memories that start with, “We always used to………..”

Here are some examples:  A woman was feeling constantly unsettled about where she lived and thought it might be time to move, even though the thought of moving was scary.  She was stuck in this emotional place for over a year.  One day she asked herself what her memory was.  Immediately, she pictured a time when she was 11 and her mother was yelling at her father asking where the check was.  He was yelling back, telling her not to be a nag and that the money would be there tomorrow.  She felt scared and worried and unhappy that her parents were fighting.  She decided that her father was right and that her mother was over-reacting and that she’d never behave like her mother.  When she examined what the memory was about, she realized that she didn’t want to live outside her means because she believed it could lead to the kind of problems her parents had.  Since she was living outside her means and raiding her savings, she decided it was time to start looking for a new place.  Though she still had moments of fear, the need to live within her means was much stronger than her worries about change and the unknown.  She felt relieved and had direction for the first time in over a year.

In another instance, a couple was arguing over redecorating their home.  The husband was a designer and felt angry that his wife didn’t take his word for what needed to be done.  She was panicked, thinking that his suggestions might not work out the way he predicted.  The argument was going in circles until she asked herself for  a childhood memory.  She remembered waiting at the mail slot in her living room watching for the mail to come.  When letters would slip through the slot, she’d see her grandmother’s familiar handwriting and be excited knowing that Grandma had sent a letter and that the letter probably contained a stick of gum.  She was 8 years old and felt anticipation and excitement.  She decided that she had to watch closely so that she didn’t miss out on her grandmother’s letters.  As she thought about the memory and how it related to her current issue, she realized that she had to see things and that all the conversations about decorating didn’t substitute for actually physically moving furniture around in different configurations so she could see how the new arrangements would look.  Her husband made the connection, too, and though he hated moving furniture around physically, he knew how important it was to his wife.  She didn’t possess his ability to “move” the pieces around in her mind the way he could.

In another instance,  a woman was struggling over vacation plans, making herself and her family crazy with all her questions and changes.  As she wondered why she was making herself so miserable, she remembered as a kid how her mother catered to her dad, giving in to him even when she didn’t agree.  She realized that she had decided that was her job, so she was catering to her husband by going along with his wishes, but then changing the plans because they didn’t match what she really wanted.  It was no wonder her husband threw up his hands and said, “You always get what you want!”  She realized that it would be okay for her to say (when it was true), “I want my way on this.”  Most of the time she didn’t have such strong feelings and was happy to do what the rest of her family wanted.  By making this change, she experienced much less stress, as did the rest of her family.

In a different case, a client came to me with anxiety attacks and in the course of her work, asked why she was having these awful attacks.  She thought of a childhood memory when she was 8 and her mother had to be hospitalized.  That was very traumatic for her, and she didn’t know why her mom was in the hospital or if and when she’d be coming home.  She decided she couldn’t handle things on her own and was  a lost soul without her mother.  It may seem like a stretch, but with help she realized that she gets into situations with her own children where she feels over her head and her “eight-year-old” who lives inside her is suddenly in charge.  This is terrifying, especially if she’s driving her car with the kids in the backseat.  Even though she’s behind the wheel, her “eight-year-old” is calling the shots, and she’s not even old enough or tall enough to drive.  No wonder she’s filled with anxiety.  Since she had this ah hah, she’s been imagining comforting that little kid within, letting her know that she won’t let her down and that she’ll be there through the tough times and together they’ll work it out.  It’s helping!

This may all seem overly-simplistic or too confusing, but don’t give up.  What is required is making that leap of faith that your memories are more than the stories of your past.  They are also metaphors of how you think, feel, and solve problems today.  The more you work with them, the better you’ll get at unlocking the clues and using them to solve problems.

Sorry if I’m being repetitive, (but not that sorry!)  I am so annoyed by conversations and lists in books that label feelings as negative and positive.  It’s time to rewrite this fallacy.  Feelings are simply feelings.  They won’t kill you.   They come and they go.  They are like the warning lights on the dashboard of your car–here to give you valuable information about your thoughts and your actions or possible actions.   Some feelings may be more uncomfortable or unfamiliar than others, but they are not your enemy.  You can learn from them.

One of the feelings that has gotten the worst rap is anger.  That’s probably because people look at behavior and think behavior is a feeling.  If someone is ranting and raving or being a bully or abusive, that behavior is thought to be anger.  It’s not.  It’s disrespectful behavior, which can be generated by many different feelings.  Some people want to eradicate anger completely, and insist there is no such feeling, that anger is only a cover-up for hurt. 

Many people are out of touch with their feelings or afraid of them.  Anger is one of those feelings that scares people and sometimes is referred to as a “negative” emotion. Anger is a human response to being out of control, over-controlled, powerless, having a lack of control, being bossed, or not getting what one wants.  All of these relationship situations can be improved if you stop discounting the angry feeling. If you would like to understand more about your anger and what it is trying to tell you, try the following activity.  With increased understanding, you can work on behaving more respectfully to deal with your feelings.

Hold up your hands in front of you.  Imagine putting something you are angry about on each of your fingers. You don’t need to remember what is on each finger, other than the last three.  This activity helps you get to deeply buried anger issues that rise to the surface after the smaller issues get unloaded.    Some people can very quickly think of ten things they are angry at; others take longer; and for those out of touch with their feelings,  it can take even longer, but is well worth the effort.  Just be patient and encourage yourself  by knowing it is okay to take as long as you need.

Here’s an example of what one person came up with for his 10 fingers of anger:  I’m angry at my boss because he doesn’t appreciate me; I’m angry because I don’t make enough money; I’m angry because my wife is on me to help the minute I walk in the door; I’m angry because my children are spoiled and expect too much; I’m angry at my parents for not teaching me more skills when I was a kid; I’m angry because I never get to go fishing; I’m angry because when I go fishing I rarely catch any fish (this made him laugh); I’m angry at myself for not standing up for what I want; I’m angry because life isn’t turning out the way I hoped; and finally, I’m angry because I don’t see a way to make things better.

 After the activity, ask yourself what you learned from the exercise.  Take one of the last anger responses (from finger 8, 9, or 10) and explore how you handle that feeling in real time.  Do you ignore it, hold it in, explode, drown the feeling in alcohol and drugs, etc.  Any of those behavioral responses are disrespectful to yourself and others and won’t really make the anger go away.   In the example above, this guy handles his anger by giving up and blaming others for his life.

 There are many ways to deal respectfully with your anger.  One is to simply acknowledge it, saying to yourself, “I’m angry, and that’s okay to feel that way.”  Or you could say to the person you perceive to be making your life miserable, “I’m angry because__________and I wish___________. ” It’s a simple, yet effective release of anger.  Another solution is to look for choices, as anger results often from the belief that you have no choices.  If you can’t see alternatives, sometimes it’s helpful to brainstorm with someone else about choices you might have.  You can also look for small steps to get yourself moving freely again.  Although it may be hard to believe, no one is the boss of you except you, and the only person you can change is yourself! 

Back to the example.  The angry guy was shocked at how angry he was.  He never thought of himself as an angry person, just someone who was unlucky.  He decided that he would plan one thing each week that he wanted to do and then he would do it.  Surprisingly, some of the things he wanted to do were with his kids and his wife.  He told his kids he wanted to go fishing with them, and they agreed.  He told his wife he wanted to give her a night off and that he would cook dinner and clean-up.  Just from these simple steps, he started to feel better about himself and his life.  He realized for the first time that he was more in control of his life than he previously thought.  By zeroing in on his anger and acknowledging it, he was able to begin to make his life better.

The mind and body are connected.  What we think leads to what we feel, and what we feel is the energy that drives our behavior.  If we ignore any part of the human condition, we are missing out on valuable information that can move us toward a more socially interested and respectful, fulfilled life.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, and it’s about time I got started.  So many of my clients semi-jokingly tell me that when they get into a bind, they ask themselves, “What would Lynn say?”  Or their children or spouses ask the same question.  Or they email me, asking what I would say about an issue they are struggling with.  I think it’s time I share some of their questions and my answers on this blog.  I don’t think of this as an advice column, but rather me sharing questions and answers because you may have many of the same ones.  When I write books, I use a lot of vignettes which are a compilation of many different clients, yet when my clients read the books, they are always sure I am talking about them.   I’ll do the same thing in these entries so that I can guard my clients’ privacy.

Here’s the first question:  My pre-teen told me he feels angry a lot and wants to annoy people.  He says he can’t control it and wonders if there’s something wrong with him.  What would Lynn say?

It’s easy to chalk up angry feelings in adolescents to hormones and maybe miss something else important that is going on.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying adolescents aren’t hormonal, but often they have some very good reasons for being angry coupled with some very poor methods of expressing that anger.   One of the questions I ask right off the bat is about what I call family constellation, because problems often make a lot more sense when seen in a context.  For instance, if a child follows a “perfect” kid or a “good” kid and believes he or she can never be as good, that’s often cause for anger.  Or if in a family one kid either perceives he is always getting in trouble while the other(s) are over-looked or treated like victim(s), or that is really happening, that’s also cause for anger.  

In this case, there was a clear issue of good kid/bad kid stereotyping by the parents.  My suggestion was to let the angry pre-teen know that it was okay for him to be angry and that anyone would be angry with that kind of favoritism going on and there was nothing wrong with him but he was making poor choices as to how he displayed his anger.  He needed to know that he was loved and important and special and that his parents needed to stop putting him in the “bad guy” seat as a knee jerk response to problems.  I also suggested that his parents ask him to say what was upsetting him without any judgments or defensiveness, expressing, “I hear you,” without trying to fix or improve the situation. 

It’s not unusual for kids to think that parents love the other siblings more, especially if the other siblings never get in trouble and they always do.  What kids don’t understand is that when these feelings aren’t validated or heard, they build up and are released with acting out behaviors.

It’s best not to make assumptions when people around you are expressing feelings.  It’s really important not to label them, i.e. “He’s an angry person.”  Rather, let the person know they are having a feeling, that a feeling won’t kill anyone, that you care how they feel, that you want to know why they feel the way they do, and that you understand.  Understanding isn’t the same as agreeing that you feel the same way, but if you’ve ever felt understood, you know just how powerful that can be in helping you move forward in a more postive way.

One of the fun parts of my job as a therapist is learning from my clients.  They are such great teachers.  The other day, one of them said, “I just want to make new mistakes instead of making the same ones over and over again.”  What a concept.  We all know it’s non-productive to keep doing what doesn’t work over and over expecting a different outcome.  It’s magical thinking, time wasting, and insanity!  Hopefully we also know that making mistakes is a way to learn, so giving ourselves permission to make new mistakes is giving permission to be a learner.  This comment came from someone who has lived her life trying to cover all the bases so she would never make a mistake.  Not only is that impossible, but it’s certainly stopped her growth.  Now she’s got a plan that will work for her and a way to encourage herself to grow and change. 

Another client thanked me for the navigational tools she’s learned in therapy.  It’s not an expression I would have used, but I love it, because that’s really what happens in therapy when it’s working.  It’s one thing to create awareness and acceptance in my office; it’s another thing to take what my clients have learned out into the real world to help them navigate life. 

One of the navigational tools folks learn when they work with me is called top card, which is all about personality differences and how to be accepting and appreciative of them.  Another navigational tool is to be aware of their feelings and learn how to name them, express them, and honor them without damaging others in the process.  Acceptance and objectiveness and humor are other tools.  When they’re working, my clients can step back and look at themselves and others with amusement, fascination, and curiosity.  Many of my clients work with their childhood memories, but not in the way you might think.  What we’re looking for is the information hidden in the memory that can help them be more realistic about who they are and how they view life, others, and what their game plan for living is.

A third client said to me after working her way through a session, “So what you’re saying is that I have to tell people what I need?”  When I stopped and thought about it, yes, it was exactly what I was saying, but not in such a consice and helpful way.  Since she mentioned it, that expression has helped many others who have come through my door as well as helping me get clearer in my own relationships.