March 7, 2010
I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, and it’s about time I got started. So many of my clients semi-jokingly tell me that when they get into a bind, they ask themselves, “What would Lynn say?” Or their children or spouses ask the same question. Or they email me, asking what I would say about an issue they are struggling with. I think it’s time I share some of their questions and my answers on this blog. I don’t think of this as an advice column, but rather me sharing questions and answers because you may have many of the same ones. When I write books, I use a lot of vignettes which are a compilation of many different clients, yet when my clients read the books, they are always sure I am talking about them. I’ll do the same thing in these entries so that I can guard my clients’ privacy.
Here’s the first question: My pre-teen told me he feels angry a lot and wants to annoy people. He says he can’t control it and wonders if there’s something wrong with him. What would Lynn say?
It’s easy to chalk up angry feelings in adolescents to hormones and maybe miss something else important that is going on. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying adolescents aren’t hormonal, but often they have some very good reasons for being angry coupled with some very poor methods of expressing that anger. One of the questions I ask right off the bat is about what I call family constellation, because problems often make a lot more sense when seen in a context. For instance, if a child follows a “perfect” kid or a “good” kid and believes he or she can never be as good, that’s often cause for anger. Or if in a family one kid either perceives he is always getting in trouble while the other(s) are over-looked or treated like victim(s), or that is really happening, that’s also cause for anger.
In this case, there was a clear issue of good kid/bad kid stereotyping by the parents. My suggestion was to let the angry pre-teen know that it was okay for him to be angry and that anyone would be angry with that kind of favoritism going on and there was nothing wrong with him but he was making poor choices as to how he displayed his anger. He needed to know that he was loved and important and special and that his parents needed to stop putting him in the “bad guy” seat as a knee jerk response to problems. I also suggested that his parents ask him to say what was upsetting him without any judgments or defensiveness, expressing, “I hear you,” without trying to fix or improve the situation.
It’s not unusual for kids to think that parents love the other siblings more, especially if the other siblings never get in trouble and they always do. What kids don’t understand is that when these feelings aren’t validated or heard, they build up and are released with acting out behaviors.
It’s best not to make assumptions when people around you are expressing feelings. It’s really important not to label them, i.e. “He’s an angry person.” Rather, let the person know they are having a feeling, that a feeling won’t kill anyone, that you care how they feel, that you want to know why they feel the way they do, and that you understand. Understanding isn’t the same as agreeing that you feel the same way, but if you’ve ever felt understood, you know just how powerful that can be in helping you move forward in a more postive way.
November 4, 2009
I love this quote and it reminds me of an attitude that I wish parents could adopt when raising teens. “Biology gives you a brain. Life turns it into a mind.” (p. 479, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, Picador, 2002.)
It’s hard to trust that teens will learn and grow from their experiences. What teens do is often frightening to parents and adults, and they probably only know about a quarter of what is really going on. I remember doing a workshop for a large group of parents of teens and asked them what they did when they were teens that they hid from their parents. Many of them climbed out windows in the middle of the night to meet friends, “borrow” the family car, or simply roam around the town. There was a lot of cow tipping and other acts of mischief, and certainly a fair amount of drug and alcohol abuse and sexual experimentation.
Often my work with adult clients takes us back to their teen years where I hear stories that would have made my hair curl had I been their parent. Recently, I asked one such client what he would say to a teen if he had one now, and the following is what he told me. I thought it was wise and kind and respectful and helpful, yet most of the parents of teens I work with would never consider saying such a thing. They would prefer to believe that they can micro-manage and control their teens and maintain an illusion of control that they rarely have.
To my teen, if I had one: “I will always be your parent but that does not mean I have control over your decisions. In fact I know that I have no control over your decisions and that you are going to do whatever you chose to do despite what I tell you, good or bad. I will always try to be there to offer support, to help guide you through your decisions and to give you my own personal perspective on what is right and wrong but ultimately it is your life to live, not mine. You have the power to make your own decisions and so will YOU have the responsibility of living with the consequences of those decisions, good and bad, not me. Very soon you will be an adult and the weight of that responsibility will be all your own, not mine. I will go on making my own choices for my own life and I will not be defined or dictated by the choices you will make in yours. In the end, I will one day be gone, and when you look back on your life you will either have the pleasure of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices or the anguish of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices.”
Kyle also sent this with permission for me to publish it on my blog with his name attached.
A Walk On the Side of My Youth by Kyle Gentry Kushner
I can smell the innocence in the air…
Before a face worn
I walked the streets of my youth
We drew a line where the sidewalks would end
We drew a line where youth would begin
In the twinkling night we’d see stars fall
and the lights from the cars trail by
Through the alleys we’d roam enhancing our minds
Free, under a twilight sky
Now night falls
As I still walk
Listening to the voices of my past
The friends I once knew
and these sidewalks that grew
Would take our innocence too fast
August 18, 2009
There are days that I question if it’s worth my effort to write a blog since it seems to be a spam magnet. Wading through mountains of spam looking for legitimate comments leaves me feeling discouraged and dirty. But every now and then someone comments about how much the blog is helping them, and I know it’s worth it. Some of these comments come directly to me instead of getting posted on the blog. I’ve saved a few and refer to them now.
The parent of the child I spoke about in the attachment parenting gone wrong piece wrote: “First, GREAT blog post on (my) attachment parenting. [I sort of goofed] and I’m gonna turn it around and really work on empowering [my kid] so that she has the tools she needs to become a courageous and confident kid. Thanks for opening the window shades for me on that one.”
Later she wrote: “I just want to bring you up to date on my kid: she’s been sleeping on her own at her Dad’s because as expected, he’s sticking to his guns by not letting her sleep in the same bed as him even for that “couple minutes” until she falls asleep. She’s been sleeping on the floor next to him in a sleeping bag. Every night she’s been at his place she’s called me by 8:30 (bedtime) crying, saying she misses me, and we talk through her fears and why she’s crying. Well, yesterday afternoon I reminded her she’d be with Dad that night, and asked if there was anything special from my place she wanted to take for bedtime; she thought about it and decided on one of her favorite dolls. It was about 8:30 and I hadn’t heard from her and was glad….I decided to call over there and ended up just leaving a message because I really wanted to tell her that “I know you can do it” and “I have all the confidence in the world in you!” — after reading your blog post I knew that what I needed to do was encourage her so that she can start building her courageous muscle. Well, this morning I received a call from her — “I”m returning your call from last night Mommy, and wanted to tell you that I did it! I slept on my own all night and didn’t even cry”. I’m so proud of her!!”
The other day I got this about the podcast on attachment parenting that Jane Nelsen and I did. “Finally got a chance to listen to the audio recording between you and Jane on attachment parenting. I loved it, what another eye opener for me. The truth is I’ve been doing certain things all these years and having no idea the impact I’m having. Thank you so much for this Lynn, I can’t even tell you. And thanks to Jane too. The tips at the end are great, what a great ending point for this recording, so you don’t leave us helpless with no information on how to turn it around and back on track. It’s just wonderful, powerful, I’m so grateful.
I hope you two do more of these…I hope the attachment parenting one is the beginning of many. It was such a natural recording between the two of you, citing Adlerian philosophies, your questions to her and her answers, your agreement on what each other was saying, and expanding on ideas you each had. SO COOL!”
January 24, 2009
One of the fun parts of my job as a therapist is learning from my clients. They are such great teachers. The other day, one of them said, “I just want to make new mistakes instead of making the same ones over and over again.” What a concept. We all know it’s non-productive to keep doing what doesn’t work over and over expecting a different outcome. It’s magical thinking, time wasting, and insanity! Hopefully we also know that making mistakes is a way to learn, so giving ourselves permission to make new mistakes is giving permission to be a learner. This comment came from someone who has lived her life trying to cover all the bases so she would never make a mistake. Not only is that impossible, but it’s certainly stopped her growth. Now she’s got a plan that will work for her and a way to encourage herself to grow and change.
Another client thanked me for the navigational tools she’s learned in therapy. It’s not an expression I would have used, but I love it, because that’s really what happens in therapy when it’s working. It’s one thing to create awareness and acceptance in my office; it’s another thing to take what my clients have learned out into the real world to help them navigate life.
One of the navigational tools folks learn when they work with me is called top card, which is all about personality differences and how to be accepting and appreciative of them. Another navigational tool is to be aware of their feelings and learn how to name them, express them, and honor them without damaging others in the process. Acceptance and objectiveness and humor are other tools. When they’re working, my clients can step back and look at themselves and others with amusement, fascination, and curiosity. Many of my clients work with their childhood memories, but not in the way you might think. What we’re looking for is the information hidden in the memory that can help them be more realistic about who they are and how they view life, others, and what their game plan for living is.
A third client said to me after working her way through a session, “So what you’re saying is that I have to tell people what I need?” When I stopped and thought about it, yes, it was exactly what I was saying, but not in such a consice and helpful way. Since she mentioned it, that expression has helped many others who have come through my door as well as helping me get clearer in my own relationships.
