Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

I recently got a request from someone wanting help with her teen who had been diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder.  Duh!  Let’s see, that’s like diagnosing a one year old with failure to walk perfectly disorder if they’re still falling down when attempting to walk.  Teens by nature are oppositional.  That is their developmental job, to separate themselves from their families to try to figure out who they will become as they grow up.  Like the caterpillar who spins a cocoon to become a butterfly, teens spin an invisible web around them, and if you try to break it to regain control, they get very defiant.  Is your teen the adult he will become?  No!  Like the caterpillar, he needs to go through a metamorphosis to become the adult (butterfly). Is this a disorder?  Not in my mind.  It is a human condition and it is a relationship issue.  Your teen is struggling with his relationship with himself and his friends; he’s also struggling with his relationship with you and the rest of his family; you’re struggling with your relationship with him.  Does this create “disorder”?  Sure, because there’s so much change going on.  But that doesn’t make it a “disease”.   

So what’s the solution?  Respect!!!!  Since most of us weren’t raised with a whole lot of respect, Jane Nelsen and I wrote the book Positive Discipline for Teens to help parents figure out what the application of respect might look like with a teenager.  In that book, you learn to respect yourself, your teen, and your situation, and in doing so, you can invite your teen to treat you more respectfully.  The book teaches you how to move out of the pilot’s seat and become a co-pilot, helping your young adult make it through his or her struggles without damage that can’t be repaired to both the child and your relationship. 

I rarely plug one of my books, which is ridiculous if you think about it.  I only write when I’m trying to help folks make their lives easier.  It takes a couple of years from inception to conclusion to put a book together that is truly helpful.  I’m glad I wrote PD for Teens, because when I was parenting my first teen, nothing of the sort was available.  I hate how many mistakes I made, but since mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow, I did a lot of that.  The book is my way of giving back and making things easier for the teens and parents.

There are days that I question if it’s worth my effort to write a blog since it seems to be a spam magnet.  Wading through mountains of spam looking for legitimate comments leaves me feeling discouraged and dirty.  But every now and then someone comments about how much the blog is helping them, and I know it’s worth it.  Some of these comments come directly to me instead of getting posted on the blog.  I’ve saved a few and refer to them now.

The parent of the child I spoke about in the attachment parenting gone wrong piece wrote:  “First, GREAT blog post on (my) attachment parenting. [I sort of goofed] and I’m gonna turn it around and really work on empowering [my kid] so that she has the tools she needs to become a courageous and confident kid. Thanks for opening the window shades for me on that one.”

Later she wrote:  “I just want to bring you up to date on my kid: she’s been sleeping on her own at her Dad’s because as expected, he’s sticking to his guns by not letting her sleep in the same bed as him even for that “couple minutes” until she falls asleep. She’s been sleeping on the floor next to him in a sleeping bag. Every night she’s been at his place she’s called me by 8:30 (bedtime) crying, saying she misses me, and we talk through her fears and why she’s crying.  Well, yesterday afternoon I reminded her she’d be with Dad that night, and asked if there was anything special from my place she wanted to take for bedtime; she thought about it and decided on one of her favorite dolls. It was about 8:30 and I hadn’t heard from her and was glad….I decided to call over there and ended up just leaving a message because I really wanted to tell her that “I know you can do it” and “I have all the confidence in the world in you!” — after reading your blog post I knew that what I needed to do was encourage her so that she can start building her courageous muscle.  Well, this morning I received a call from her — “I”m returning your call from last night Mommy, and wanted to tell you that I did it! I slept on my own all night and didn’t even cry”.  I’m so proud of her!!”

The other day I got this about the podcast on attachment parenting that Jane Nelsen and I did.  “Finally got a chance to listen to the audio recording between you and Jane on attachment parenting. I loved it, what another eye opener for me. The truth is I’ve been doing certain things all these years and having no idea the impact I’m having. Thank you so much for this Lynn, I can’t even tell you. And thanks to Jane too. The tips at the end are great, what a great ending point for this recording, so you don’t leave us helpless with no information on how to turn it around and back on track. It’s just wonderful, powerful, I’m so grateful.

I hope you two do more of these…I hope the attachment parenting one is the beginning of many. It was such a natural recording between the two of you, citing Adlerian philosophies, your questions to her and her answers, your agreement on what each other was saying, and expanding on ideas you each had.  SO COOL!”

I think I’m clear, but obviously, I’m not as clear as I think I am.  I’ve been making some assumptions.  When I say “parent” or “teacher”, I am sure the listener knows I’m talking about leadership, though I may not use that word.  When I talk about parenting styles or classroom management, I’m sure the listener knows that I’m talking about the leader in the family or the classroom.  You can imagine my surprise when I heard from two parents who have been working diligently with me to implement Positive Discipline, that they had no idea I was referring to leadership.  So let me make it perfectly clear as to what I think:  if you are the teacher, you are the leader in your classroom.  If you are a parent, you are the leader in your family. 

As a leader, I encourage you to be both kind and firm rather than a dictator or a pushover.  I hope that you have more maturity than your kids and aren’t afraid to set the parameters in the family while leaving room for flexibility and learning from your kids.  I expect you to think long and hard about your goals as a classroom leader and/or family leader and constantly question whether your methods are moving things in the direction you want.  My wish is that you will never use punishment or criticism or shaming or blaming to help young people grow into empowered, encouraged, capable, resilient, responsible, loving beings.  Naturally, I encourage you to read any and all of the Positive Discipline books to accomplish this if you need some help.

A kind and firm leader knows how to listen for feelings, offer choices, use family and class meetings to involve kids in decision making.  A kind and firm leader isn’t afraid to say, “No,” or “I understand how you feel, but it’s time for…”  The suggestions are too many for this blog, but if you are curious, go to my website, www.lynnlott.com and check out the list of books available.  I have excerpts from all of them to give you a taste of what you might learn by reading them.

I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, as you read my books, you’ll actually find the word “leader” somewhere within.  If you don’t, throw another egg on my face!

I was browsing through Positive Discipline A-Z, a book I wrote with Jane Nelsen and Steve Glenn, when I came across this story.  My grandson is now 5 and much more sophisticated, but the story still makes me laugh.  For those of you who are struggling with “bad language” with your toddlers, you might find a bit of help or at least a chuckle.

“When I was a kid, if we used “bad” language we were threatened to have our mouths washed out with soap. I’m not sure our parents ever did the dastardly dead, but I’ve certainly worked with enough clients who experienced the soapy bubbles as a punishment for swearing.

When my nephews were little, my sister and I spent hours with them in the car trying to get them to stop using potty talk. All of our attempts failed until we decided to join them and talk like a couple of four year olds. They were so disgusted and annoyed with us they stopped.

My grandson discovered that when he talked potty talk at school he had to sit in a special place and take some space until he was ready to try again using better language.  The word “stupid” made the rounds at pre-school and was considered a bad and hurtful word.  Any kid using that word got a lot of attention, even if the attention was negative.  The attention didn’t seem to diminish the use of the word.  One day my daughter asked if I could talk to my grandson about the use of that word.  Here’s our discussion:

Me:  Z, I understand that you like to say the word “stupid” and that it gets you in trouble at home and at school.

Z:  Yes, Grandma.  That’s a bad word and we’re not supposed to say it.

Me:  You know, I don’t think words are good or bad.  I think the problem is in where and how you use them.  If you say, “Stupid.” to hurt someone’s feelings, that’s a problem.  If you say “stupid” around people who don’t like to hear that word, that’s a problem, too.  Personally, I don’t mind if you say the word around me, but I have discovered something that happens whenever I hear the word.

Z:  What’s that, Grandma?

Me:  It makes my hands need to tickle someone and I can’t seem to make them stop till the person stops saying that word.  Want to try it out?

Z:  Okay.

Z said, “Stupid” and I tickled him till he asked me to stop.  Eventually he decided that he wouldn’t use that word around me.  It was his choice.

On another occasion he burst out with a flood of potty talk which he calls potty mouth.  He looked at me and said, “Grandma, I can say those words around you, right?”  I think he got the message about appropriate places to use certain language.  When he tried out the “F” word on me (age 4), saying he was sure he could use that word around me, I said, “You could use that word, but I prefer “Holy Schlamoley.”  We spent the rest of the day saying “Holy Schlamoley” to everything and that was the end of the “F” word.”