Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

I recently got a request from someone wanting help with her teen who had been diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder.  Duh!  Let’s see, that’s like diagnosing a one year old with failure to walk perfectly disorder if they’re still falling down when attempting to walk.  Teens by nature are oppositional.  That is their developmental job, to separate themselves from their families to try to figure out who they will become as they grow up.  Like the caterpillar who spins a cocoon to become a butterfly, teens spin an invisible web around them, and if you try to break it to regain control, they get very defiant.  Is your teen the adult he will become?  No!  Like the caterpillar, he needs to go through a metamorphosis to become the adult (butterfly). Is this a disorder?  Not in my mind.  It is a human condition and it is a relationship issue.  Your teen is struggling with his relationship with himself and his friends; he’s also struggling with his relationship with you and the rest of his family; you’re struggling with your relationship with him.  Does this create “disorder”?  Sure, because there’s so much change going on.  But that doesn’t make it a “disease”.   

So what’s the solution?  Respect!!!!  Since most of us weren’t raised with a whole lot of respect, Jane Nelsen and I wrote the book Positive Discipline for Teens to help parents figure out what the application of respect might look like with a teenager.  In that book, you learn to respect yourself, your teen, and your situation, and in doing so, you can invite your teen to treat you more respectfully.  The book teaches you how to move out of the pilot’s seat and become a co-pilot, helping your young adult make it through his or her struggles without damage that can’t be repaired to both the child and your relationship. 

I rarely plug one of my books, which is ridiculous if you think about it.  I only write when I’m trying to help folks make their lives easier.  It takes a couple of years from inception to conclusion to put a book together that is truly helpful.  I’m glad I wrote PD for Teens, because when I was parenting my first teen, nothing of the sort was available.  I hate how many mistakes I made, but since mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow, I did a lot of that.  The book is my way of giving back and making things easier for the teens and parents.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, and it’s about time I got started.  So many of my clients semi-jokingly tell me that when they get into a bind, they ask themselves, “What would Lynn say?”  Or their children or spouses ask the same question.  Or they email me, asking what I would say about an issue they are struggling with.  I think it’s time I share some of their questions and my answers on this blog.  I don’t think of this as an advice column, but rather me sharing questions and answers because you may have many of the same ones.  When I write books, I use a lot of vignettes which are a compilation of many different clients, yet when my clients read the books, they are always sure I am talking about them.   I’ll do the same thing in these entries so that I can guard my clients’ privacy.

Here’s the first question:  My pre-teen told me he feels angry a lot and wants to annoy people.  He says he can’t control it and wonders if there’s something wrong with him.  What would Lynn say?

It’s easy to chalk up angry feelings in adolescents to hormones and maybe miss something else important that is going on.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying adolescents aren’t hormonal, but often they have some very good reasons for being angry coupled with some very poor methods of expressing that anger.   One of the questions I ask right off the bat is about what I call family constellation, because problems often make a lot more sense when seen in a context.  For instance, if a child follows a “perfect” kid or a “good” kid and believes he or she can never be as good, that’s often cause for anger.  Or if in a family one kid either perceives he is always getting in trouble while the other(s) are over-looked or treated like victim(s), or that is really happening, that’s also cause for anger.  

In this case, there was a clear issue of good kid/bad kid stereotyping by the parents.  My suggestion was to let the angry pre-teen know that it was okay for him to be angry and that anyone would be angry with that kind of favoritism going on and there was nothing wrong with him but he was making poor choices as to how he displayed his anger.  He needed to know that he was loved and important and special and that his parents needed to stop putting him in the “bad guy” seat as a knee jerk response to problems.  I also suggested that his parents ask him to say what was upsetting him without any judgments or defensiveness, expressing, “I hear you,” without trying to fix or improve the situation. 

It’s not unusual for kids to think that parents love the other siblings more, especially if the other siblings never get in trouble and they always do.  What kids don’t understand is that when these feelings aren’t validated or heard, they build up and are released with acting out behaviors.

It’s best not to make assumptions when people around you are expressing feelings.  It’s really important not to label them, i.e. “He’s an angry person.”  Rather, let the person know they are having a feeling, that a feeling won’t kill anyone, that you care how they feel, that you want to know why they feel the way they do, and that you understand.  Understanding isn’t the same as agreeing that you feel the same way, but if you’ve ever felt understood, you know just how powerful that can be in helping you move forward in a more postive way.

I love this quote and it reminds me of an attitude that I wish parents could adopt when raising teens.  “Biology gives you a brain.  Life turns it into a mind.” (p. 479, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, Picador, 2002.) 

It’s hard to trust that teens will learn and grow from their experiences.  What teens do is often frightening to parents and adults, and they probably only know about a quarter of what is really going on.  I remember doing a workshop for a large group of parents of teens and asked them what they did when they were teens that they hid from their parents.  Many of them climbed out windows in the middle of the night to meet friends, “borrow” the family car, or simply roam around the town.  There was a lot of cow tipping and other acts of mischief, and certainly a fair amount of drug and alcohol abuse and sexual experimentation.  

Often my work with adult clients takes us back to their teen years where I hear stories that would have made my hair curl had I been their parent.  Recently, I asked one such client what he would say to a teen if he had one now, and the following is what he told me.  I thought it was wise and kind and respectful and helpful, yet most of the parents of teens I work with would never consider saying such a thing.  They would prefer to believe that they can micro-manage and control their teens and maintain an illusion of control that they rarely have.

 To my teen, if I had one:  “I will always be your parent but that does not mean I have control over your decisions. In fact I know that I have no control over your decisions and that you are going to do whatever you chose to do despite what I tell you, good or bad. I will always try to be there to offer support, to help guide you through your decisions and to give you my own personal perspective on what is right and wrong but ultimately it is your life to live, not mine. You have the power to make your own decisions and so will YOU have the responsibility of living with the consequences of those decisions, good and bad, not me. Very soon you will be an adult and the weight of that responsibility will be all your own, not mine. I will go on making my own choices for my own life and I will not be defined or dictated by the choices you will make in yours. In the end, I will one day be gone, and when you look back on your life you will either have the pleasure of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices or the anguish of knowing that you ultimately made your own choices.”

 Kyle also sent this with permission for me to publish it on my blog with his name attached. 

 A Walk On the Side of My Youth  by Kyle Gentry Kushner

I can smell the innocence in the air…

Before a face worn

I walked the streets of my youth

We drew a line where the sidewalks would end

We drew a line where youth would begin

In the twinkling night we’d see stars fall

and the lights from the cars trail by

Through the alleys we’d roam enhancing our minds

Free, under a twilight sky
Now night falls

As I still walk

Listening to the voices of my past

The friends I once knew

and these sidewalks that grew

Would take our innocence too fast

There are two parts to this recording as we got cut off part way through.  rec_dylanparta_20_Jul_2009_13_01_19

rec_dylanpartb_20_Jul_2009_13_11_25 

In part a Dylan talks about a pending felony charge against him and how this incident is helping him step up his game and do some things to improve his life and look better for the court.  We also talked about how angry he is and I attempted helping him identify what he’s angry about by doing an activity called the 10 Fingers of Anger.  Dylan is able to talk about some things that he’s angry about and what he does when he gets angry.  Given how much he represses his feelings or acts them out inappropriately, this was a good start.

 In part b, we continued talking about anger and reviewed information that can help Dylan understand more about his personality (and his Mom’s) and how he deals with anger.  Dylan talked about piercing himself when he’s angry, and I wish I had pursued this more given what happened after our session.  We made a date for another session, but this ended up being our last session, even though Dylan said that the sessions are helpful. 

When I called Dylan for our next appointment on the 29^th as we had agreed, he didn’t answer the phone.  I left a message and later that night, I got an email from his mom saying that the week had been very tough, Dylan had done a lot of drinking, and that he had been cutting himself, something I had not heard before, though Dylan did speak of putting a safety pin through his nose when he was angry.  Sounds like a real nightmare fueled with alcohol and perhaps other drugs.  Dylan’s drinking is clearly out of control and his behavior when he is under the influence is far different from the laughing, cynical but sweet boy on our recordings.  His mom was beside herself with worry and upset.

The next day Dylan’s mom wrote again saying Dylan was home safe and sober and feeling good.   I asked Mom to give Dylan my number so that he could call me if he wanted to do some more work.  A couple weeks later Mom wrote that she hadn’t given Dylan my number yet and that she was “taking her house back” and working on getting Dylan registered at the junior college and dealing with the assault charges.  The court appointed lawyer was working on getting the charges dropped as all evidence showed no willful or malicious conduct on Dylan’s part.  Mom said she’d be in touch when the court problem was over.

Once again, if you prefer listening to the session, follow the link:  mod_rec_dylan_29_Jun_2009_14_03_23

If you prefer a bit of introduction first, read on.  I received an email from Dylan’s mom telling me that one of his friends had died from an overdose.  She thought Dylan might want to talk about it and wanted to alert me.  She must experience the Dylan who, when asked what he’d like to talk about says, “Nothing,” and when asked how he feels, says, “Fine.”  

Since Dylan had given his permission, I also had his mom’s list of other topics she wanted Dylan to explore.  The list included the following:  Dylan said he’s paranoid all the time and guilty about living while others are dying; dealing with his 23 year old cousin; and getting weird thoughts. 

You’ll notice that we jump from topic to topic.  Dylan may think this is his ADHD, but I’d venture a guess that for whatever reason, he’s not that into our session today.  I work at getting Dylan to share his feelings and finally decide that perhaps he’d like to learn something rather than continue this parry back and forth. 

I introduce Dylan to my definition of stress and what it’s like to fall into the land of discouragement where people struggle with issues of identity, power, justice, and skills.  (I’m not sure if any of this is helpful, but later I hear from his Mom that Dylan was trying to teach her what he learned to help her with her stress.) 

Notice that Dylan says he sets the bar low for himself so he doesn’t feel bad about himself.  Not a great solution, really.  He also believes he has power over himself regarding his drinking, but this is an illusion.  (His mother reported a terrifying event on 7/29 where Dylan was so drunk he was threatening his parents and then ripped off his shirt and showed his mom that he had carved “Fuck you’ on his chest.  He’s also been cutting himself and not sleeping much.  I realize that some people think people suffer from other mental illnesses and drink to calm things down, but in my experience, all that Dylan’s mom is reporting goes away when someone stops drinking abusively.)  (more…)

You may simply want to listen to this session and come to your own conclusions.  If so, click on the link and read no farther.  rec_dylan_25_Jun_2009_15_35_23

This was a very tough session. On the one hand, Dylan says he wants to be in therapy, but his actions are those of constant resistance.  I asked Dylan why he would want to talk with me since he loves his life so much.  He reminds me that he’s doing this to help me, which I appreciate, but I suggest that we both want to get something out of this so it’s not one-sided.  (We’re interrupted by the news that Michael Jackson died, which means that Dylan is probably watching TV while we talk.)

When asked what he’d like to talk about, Dylan said that he didn’t have a clue, so I gave a lot of choices and Dylan told me to pick one and surprise him.  I asked, “How will your life be at 22,” to which he replied that he can’t think 5 minutes ahead.  I pushed and asked, “Where do you see yourself living at 22?  Is your current lifestyle what you aspire to?”  Dylan tells me he’d like to learn to live without money and be a vagabond.  I’m not sure if this is the magical thinking of a teen’s rebellion against adult or societal values, or if he’s pulling my leg.

 The conversation about money leads to how much the times were better when Dylan and his family lived with Grandma which began when he was 9.  When she died they were homeless.  Before that, Dylan spent time skate boarding, riding bikes, hanging out, and building a tree house with his dad. (more…)

Best laid plans and all that…this session didn’t get taped.  I got stuck trying to figure out the internal microphone and hadn’t bought a headset yet.  Dylan was unruffled which helped.  In fact Dylan is a live and let live guy most of the time, but when he’s not, well, you’ll see.  But since this was my first session with Dylan, I’ll highlight what we talked about during our hour. 

Dylan told me about his recent hospitalization from April 10 to May 30.  He had a bacterial infection that shut down all of his systems.  He lost all muscle memory and had to relearn to talk, walk, eat, and more.  He faced his own immortality which according to him has made him into a hypochondriac now.  Even a little sore throat freaks him out, which is only natural.  Most people would find a trauma like this to be life-altering.  For Dylan, it didn’t seem to interrupt his path of defiance, anger, and teenage acting out.  (more…)

On 6/4/09 seventeen year old Dylan and I began an experiment.  I had an idea that some of my clients might be willing to give permission for others to listen in on our sessions.  My thinking was that since so many things that happen in a session are issues lots of people have, sharing the sessions might be a way of helping others who weren’t in therapy. 

After speaking with Dylan’s mom about this project, she suggested I ask Dylan if he would be willing to help me as I learned how to record sessions and upload them to my blog.  Dylan said he would like to do that and was fully aware that the sessions we did together would be made public.  He was comfortable with that and gave his full permission (as did his mom).  Dylan’s willingness to help outshone my ability to accomplish the technical part of this transaction.  It’s now November and I’m finally ready to post our sessions to my blog.  What we’re ending up with are 4 sessions, one of which I summarize because it didn’t get recorded due to my technological inexperience.

 Both the sessions and the technical parts have been a big challenge for me.  There are clients with whom I work fluidly and success starts right in the first few interactions I have with them.  There are other clients who, for any variety of reasons, are a tougher sell.  Dylan fell into that category, so the progress was so tiny that there were times it was barely observable.  Sometimes it seemed that Dylan was as resistant to therapy as I was to learning the technical aspects of the project.    

 Even though the sessions don’t represent a typical experience in therapy, over the years I’ve come to trust the process of therapy, knowing that people do get something from the experience that is positive and life changing for them, even if it’s not always exactly what I had in mind.  My hope is that Dylan will experience the positives and that you as a listener will learn something helpful, too.

living the dream in your fast food nation
giving your hard earned cash to the major corperations               
you work nine to five, just to stay alive
your life takes a dive, as the rich folks thrive
 
it’s like a giant game of monopoly
‘cept you go to jail longer and the parkings not free
rights are just privleges if they can be taken away
“freedom” doesn’t exist in the US of A
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
 
healthcare and hospitals turning people away
all because of of their inability to pay
they’ll leave you there to suffer and die
as the CEO’s joke and all the families cry
 
they kill innocent people in other countries/ overseas
to pay off and kiss ass to oil companies
for coperate funding and endorsement in the next election
man, money gives some mother fuckers a serious erection
 
you cant live your life unless you got the green
you’re either rich or you’re poor, there’s nothing in between
it’s not democracy when conglomerates reign king
money has become the basis for everything
  
Yes, teens are rebellious.  Yes, teens see the world in black and white.  And yes, teens can be extremely critical of their “elders.”  But this poem touched my heart and made me wonder how many teens feel so let down and disillusioned by the world they live in.  It made me want to know what teens who are this upset and discouraged might be deciding to do about this “messed up” world they live in.  Will they give up in despair, figuring it’s all too hopeless and impossible to change?  Will they strike back, causing chaos and revenge, striking out at others who they will “blame” for this state of affairs?  Will they punish themselves with drugs and alcohol, figuring the whole thing is meaningless, so why even bother?  Will they write amazing poetry and songs to alert their peers and the rest of us to this dismal view of our world, hoping to get our attention so we can do something to make things better?  What kind of encouragement do they need?

Sure, I know some of you are thinking, ”We walked to school barefoot through the snow to get to school and worked meaingless jobs for 5 cents an hour to have spending money when we were kids.  We never sassed the adults or questioned their veracity.  So why don’t these kids appreciate all they have and stop blaming and casting stones?” Personally, I think we need to listen and find ways to let them know we hear them and with their help, find ways to bridge the gap.  My hope is that they won’t give up on us or themselves, and that they’ll find ways to make positive contributions that will help our world small step by small step.

In the weeks to come, I’m going to be having conversations with the author of this poem.  If I can figure out the logistics, I’ll tape and then upload our conversations so you can listen to them if you like.  I have his permission, so all I’m missing is confidence in my own technical expertise.  Cross your fingers for me!

I’m excited to add something new to my blog.  With the help of Ken Ainge, techie extraordinaire, I’ll be working on publishing a regular feature for LynnLottTherapy Talk.  It’s called “Conversations with Lynn.”  Each week I’ll be interviewing someone who has an issue who, by sharing it on the Internet, would like to help others learn and help themselves in the process.  The interviews can be found at http://feeds.feedburner.com/LynnLottTherapyTalk or can be downloaded for free from iTunes. 

In the first interview, Ken and I talk about therapy (Is it for sissies?), resistence (It’s better to accept or ignore your problems), getting stuck in the either/or lack of clear choices, top card personality test, the joys and woes of avoiding, what is stress and how is it different for everyone, and finally, Ken’s philosophy of right way/wrong way/my way.