Lynn Lott Therapy Talk

Come to Lynn Lott with questions and leave
with answers that enrich your life and
the lives of others

If you’d like to know whether you are an eagle, a lion, a chameleon, or a turtle and what difference that makes, go to www.lynnlott.com and click on “Try This.”  You’ll find out all sorts of things about your personality and why you do what you do, want what you want, think what you think, and feel what you feel.  You can also click on the following link where I explain more about this personality profile game on YouTube:  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USq0wIr6NeY&feature=channel

Once you embrace the idea about personality differences or what we call top card you can stop looking at yourself and others as having disabilities, disorders, or diseases and realize that we all have differences and they make life most interesting.

A group of teachers spent a day in a Positive Discipline in the Classroom  workshop.  One of the activities they did was on top card, which was an opportunity to learn more about their personality style.  (You can learn more about Top Card by reviewing previous posts or visiting www.lynnlott.com and click on Try This.)  The idea was to look at the assets of their top card in the classroom as well as their top card liabilities as teachers.  After they brainstormed these two lists, they asked people who look at the world through different filters to give them feedback about what they could work on in the classroom.  Three of the four top cards were represented in the workshop:  Control, Pleasing, and Superiority.  Here are their lists:

Control Assets:  Take charge by establishing routines and being organized; multi-taks with the ability to accomplish a lot and work with individual groups; crisis manager who can maintain order, safety and first aid; the ability to wing-it and think fast on their feet and make things up as they go; accountability; trustworthy; patient with others; able to take time for self.  Their bumper sticker might say:  But enough about me; what do you think about me?

Control Liabilities:  Invite power struggles, procrastinate by putting off correcting homework or planning; make mountains out of mole hills; get overwhelmed; judgmental and critical; not patient with selves; expect too much of selves; withdraw; catastrophize; deal with other people’s issues instead of their own; bossy; flustered when kids are off task or loud.

Suggestions from other top card personalities:  Just tell us what you want so we can figure out how to deal with you and solve the problem.   Tell us when you’re getting overwhelmed instead of acting it out.  The response was:  If only we could.

Pleasing Assets:  We make things fun and create ways for people to be involved while making learning painless; empathetic by taking time to listen and understand others’ needs and give them what they need; positivity with lots of encouragement, give hope, don’t hold grudges, and stress that everyday is a fresh start; good listeners and open minded by respecting and eliciting others’ opinions and drawing them out as well as being willing to be wrong and apologize.

Pleasing Liabilities in the classroom:  not being open and honest; holding back opinions or ideas because we want to be liked; retreating from conflict and pretending everything is fine when it’s not; focusing on pleasing the most negative person which results in taking away time and energy from well behaving students.

Suggestions from other top card personalities:  Say what’s on your mind and remember that others like you regardless of your opinions.  Be brave, take a deep breath, and say “NO.”

Superiority Assets:  We know everything; we have clear boundaries; we get everything done; we’re always revising to make things better; we’re reflective; tolerant; creative; humorous; we have high standards.

Superiority Liabilities:  sometimes we don’t hear/acknowledge others expertise; perfection; expect too much; don’t ask for help; insulting/rude; crash because we don’t take care of what we should; avoidance of uncomfortable tasks; overachieve; too much pressure on ourselves/students; intolerant of people/students who don’t push themselves or whom we perceive as “ignorant” or lazy.

Suggestions from other top cards:  Have an agreement that others can tell you when you’re playing your top card to help you be aware; use the expression, “I notice” instead of being critical or judgmental.  Make it safe for the kids to make mistakes and try again.

Kara and I review information on what it’s like to have a Pleasing Top Card.  You can learn more about your top card by going to www.lynnlott.com and clicking on “try this.”  Kara talks about her discouragement with her teachers and her efforts to solve problems when someone doesn’t treat her nicely.  Like many others, Kara leaves, thus digging a hole for herself that gets harder and harder to climb out of.    Kara reminds us that when kids misbehave, they are discouraged and the adult who understands the discouragement is the person who will make the biggest difference.  When adults react to discouraged behavior, they tend to make the problem bigger.  When they are pro-active, they help the misbehaving person belong and be significant in socially acceptable ways.    Kara wants adults to understand that discouraged kids aren’t bad kids; they simply act out and behave in ways that create problems.  For more information on mistaken goals, check out Do It Yourself Therapy at www.amazon.com.

One of the fun parts of my job as a therapist is learning from my clients.  They are such great teachers.  The other day, one of them said, “I just want to make new mistakes instead of making the same ones over and over again.”  What a concept.  We all know it’s non-productive to keep doing what doesn’t work over and over expecting a different outcome.  It’s magical thinking, time wasting, and insanity!  Hopefully we also know that making mistakes is a way to learn, so giving ourselves permission to make new mistakes is giving permission to be a learner.  This comment came from someone who has lived her life trying to cover all the bases so she would never make a mistake.  Not only is that impossible, but it’s certainly stopped her growth.  Now she’s got a plan that will work for her and a way to encourage herself to grow and change. 

Another client thanked me for the navigational tools she’s learned in therapy.  It’s not an expression I would have used, but I love it, because that’s really what happens in therapy when it’s working.  It’s one thing to create awareness and acceptance in my office; it’s another thing to take what my clients have learned out into the real world to help them navigate life. 

One of the navigational tools folks learn when they work with me is called top card, which is all about personality differences and how to be accepting and appreciative of them.  Another navigational tool is to be aware of their feelings and learn how to name them, express them, and honor them without damaging others in the process.  Acceptance and objectiveness and humor are other tools.  When they’re working, my clients can step back and look at themselves and others with amusement, fascination, and curiosity.  Many of my clients work with their childhood memories, but not in the way you might think.  What we’re looking for is the information hidden in the memory that can help them be more realistic about who they are and how they view life, others, and what their game plan for living is.

A third client said to me after working her way through a session, “So what you’re saying is that I have to tell people what I need?”  When I stopped and thought about it, yes, it was exactly what I was saying, but not in such a consice and helpful way.  Since she mentioned it, that expression has helped many others who have come through my door as well as helping me get clearer in my own relationships.

I’m excited to add something new to my blog.  With the help of Ken Ainge, techie extraordinaire, I’ll be working on publishing a regular feature for LynnLottTherapy Talk.  It’s called “Conversations with Lynn.”  Each week I’ll be interviewing someone who has an issue who, by sharing it on the Internet, would like to help others learn and help themselves in the process.  The interviews can be found at http://feeds.feedburner.com/LynnLottTherapyTalk or can be downloaded for free from iTunes. 

In the first interview, Ken and I talk about therapy (Is it for sissies?), resistence (It’s better to accept or ignore your problems), getting stuck in the either/or lack of clear choices, top card personality test, the joys and woes of avoiding, what is stress and how is it different for everyone, and finally, Ken’s philosophy of right way/wrong way/my way.